Children of the 1990s, ready! For no reason other than why the hell not, weekend teatime classic Gladiators is back. It’s on BBC One this time instead of ITV as it was years ago, but the format is unchanged: we at home lie belly-down on the lounge carpet watching explosive physical challenges in which members of the public with fitness addictions and mild narcissism take on retired athletes with shiny leotards and severe narcissism.
The gladiators are a new cohort of sprinters, gymnasts and bodybuilders, with stage names such as Giant, Fire, Electro, Nitro and Comet. They emerge, do their signature pose and then, as their Lycra struggles to contain their enormous muscles, they obliterate the hapless volunteers.
Familiar games include Duel, where the gladiator pokes the contestant with a giant spongy cotton bud until they fall off a plinth; Hang Tough, where the challengers must cling to gymnastic rings while a gladiator tries to yank them off; and Gauntlet, where the contender runs down a half-pipe, assailed by gladiators grumpily wielding padded sticks.
There is a surprise hire in the commentary box: Guy Mowbray, the BBC’s most eminent football commentator. In his day job, Mowbray specialises in measured erudition, carefully finding the right phrase for each specific moment. Thoughtful craftsmanship and unobtrusive good taste are his calling cards.
So, whereas Jonathan Pearce was an easy fit for Robot Wars, since his commentary already had the air of a man growling at complex hydraulics, Mowbray’s considered tones are not the natural accompaniment to 1,000 pumped studio audience members waving foam fingers and singing Another One Bites the Dust, because someone who once nearly won a bronze in Commonwealth Games powerlifting has just pushed an IT engineer from Leeds off some oversized playground equipment. Mostly, Mowbray squares this circle by staying out of the way, professionally summarising the action. Let’s hope he cuts loose in later episodes.
Also struggling in these early stages is young co-host Barney Walsh, drafted in to present the action and conduct post-grapple interviews alongside his more famous father, Bradley. While the veteran host of The Chase is as smooth and funny as ever, Walsh Jr stands, Playmobil-stiff in his new blue suit, waiting for his turn to speak before warily enunciating each syllable. “Barnes” is bright and personable with big “adorable virgin from British 1970s sex comedy” vibes, but he isn’t adding much yet.
The most exciting new game is Collision, where contestants must run across a wobbly bridge and throw a ball into a basket on the other side. Meanwhile, the gladiators swing across their path on ropes, hoping to knock them off – with the ropes set at a height that means the runners’ faces are constantly buffeted by overdeveloped bums and thighs. The correct technique proves to be swatting the rippling glutes aside with a firm, flat hand, like someone annoyed at being lost in a butcher’s fridge.
Also new is The Ring, although just as Collision is a slight tweak of the old game Hit & Run, this is just a reworked version of Powerball, the one where contestants had to drop balls in bins without being rugby-tackled by furious gladiators. Now they must press a button in the middle of the arena instead, but the aim is still to get from A to B without being bodyslammed, pinned, smothered or stood on.
Collision and The Ring are combative enough that the referee has to step in to enforce the rules. Inheriting the black and white jersey from the original show’s officiator, the mighty John Anderson, is the former Premier League referee Mark Clattenburg. He brings a nice rasping urgency to his catchphrase “Gladiators, ready!” and manages to say things like “Phantom! You must release!” and “Viper left his trapeze. This is not allowed” without laughing, although he does corpse when Viper – the heel of the new lineup, with his straggly facial hair and dangling gold jewellery – pretends to square up to him after the trapeze verdict.
But nobody’s taking anything seriously, even when the points have been tallied and the final obstacle course arrives, beginning with Clattenburg’s big moment (“Kerry, you will go on my first whistle”) and ending with the show’s famous moving walkway, which Mowbray gamely refers to as “the iconic Travelator”. Who will splat down on to the last crash mat first: a dog walker from Dunfermline or a school nurse from Ipswich? It doesn’t matter – this camp, sweaty, Saturday-night entertainment is a sugary old-school rush.
• Gladiators is on BBC One and iPlayer now.
