As a new baseball season finally crept within a week, I tripped over this headline that appeared on the Post-Gazette website at the start of the day:
"Angels catch, release Trout ..."
Wait, what? Mike Trout's been released?
Better put my glasses on, I figured.
Oh, well, that's very different:
"Anglers catch, release trout in special regulation areas."
Dope.
Just the same, there's a lesson here for baseball fans, particularly the ones who've kept only one eye on the game since the Houston Astros won the World Series in November, and it's this — the game that returns Thursday might not be recognizable at first glance.
In the meantime, see if you can tell which of these things are true and which are not about the 2023 season, because you don't want to be completely lost even before the Pirates are five games off the lead in the National Central Division they've never won, ever. Never. Ever.
—The pitcher, rather than take enough to time to make an egg salad sandwich between pitches, must now deliver within 15 seconds, or 20 seconds if there's a runner on base, and the batter must clearly be aware of what's about to happen when the pitch clock reaches eight seconds.
All of this is true and it is glorious, having already chopped the typical three-plus hour game down to a resplendent 2:36 in spring training. Yes, 2:36, a hallmark of the game's ancient rhythms. Even a World Series Game 7 in which 19 runs were scored once took exactly 2:36; you may remember that Mazeroski won it.
—For all of the new, way overdue, hurry-up rules, the batter can still slow things down by calling a timeout. He gets one timeout per at bat.
This, regrettably, is also true, meaning it's only a matter of days before some hitter will be accused of burning a timeout or, worse, of atrocious clock management.
—For the first time, batters whose averages are worse than .240 will either have no walk-up music at all, or something from a really dark classical piece by maybe Rachmaninoff.
Not true, because nobody listens to me.
—Management's effort to speed up the game will extend all the way to the batboys or batgirls, whose work will be evaluated by the leagues, which could ask that those boys and girls be replaced if they're deemed to be going about the business of gathering up their gatherables too slowly.
This, amazingly enough, is also true, according to a memo obtained by ESPN.
—Batboys and batgirls who move too slowly will be tased.
Not true. Don't be psychotic. Teased? Oh, you know it.
—Pitchers will be limited to three unsuccessful pickoff attempts per plate appearance, the third resulting in a balk.
True. This new rule, in addition to shortening the game, will reduce the tiresome booing of the opposing pitcher every time he makes such an attempt by I'd guess 89.7%.
—The New York Mets revealed this week they'll have a members-only speakeasy, the Cadillac Club, where a membership fee of $24,999 will get you a seat in its front row.
This is true. Honest to God. Don't know which aspect of the Cadillac Club is loonier — that $24,999 figure (I guess that seat just isn't attractive at a straight $25,000) or the fact that the Club is situated behind the right field fence, meaning it's at least 330 feet from the plate. For $24,999.
—The Mets' 2023 payroll will float right around $370 million, or about six times what the Pirates will pay uniformed personnel, and the Mets will pay about twice as much luxury tax on that payroll ($116 million) as the Pirates will pay in, um, actual payroll.
Both of those things are true, and if that seems a smidge inequitable, be reminded that the Pirates are willing signatories to this system and have been many times over. If that makes you feel as though the Pirates aren't so much a baseball team as a long-running scam, there isn't a lot to dissuade you.
—The Pirates are bringing back Andrew McCutchen, the National League's 2013 MVP, as well as Potato Pete, who was apparently once judged LVP (least valuable pierogi), as he was eliminated from the popular pierogi races. They announced Potato Pete's return this week, but without a corresponding move relative to the 40-man roster.
All true.
McCutchen is 36, had major knee surgery three years ago, and has likely already served his primary purpose — boosting ticket sales early in the season. If Potato Pete performs in 81 games, it'll be almost as many as Cutch.
Still, if you do one baseball thing this season, see Pirates shortstop Oneil Cruz.
While you can.
