We live in a world where the main message of Christmas is “spend, spend, spend”, and where festivity has become synonymous with luxury – but you shouldn’t have to bankrupt yourself to have a good time. Helpfully, the more budget-conscious retailers have pushed the boat out this year, hoping to lure customers away from their upmarket competitors with golden fish and gargantuan toffee crowns. With food prices rising at record rates, they’re likely to be an attractive option for many of us. But what’s worth spending your hard-earned cash on … and what’s best left on the shelf?
Morrisons The Best Triple Smoked Scottish Salmon With Orange
£4.50 for 130g
Given the questionable desirability of smoking something as delicate as fish three times over, this is surprisingly mild – in fact, the fish could have done with a bit more flavour to stand up to the aggressively citrussy chunks of peel on top, which sadly look better than they taste. With the fish thin-cut and greasy, you’d be better off grating some orange zest over plain smoked salmon if this combination appeals (or pairing it with marmalade if you’re feeling particularly daring). 4/10
Asda Extra Special Blackthorn Dry-Cured Smoked Salmon
£6 for 120g
Cheap smoked salmon is often cut wafer-thin to help sustain the illusion of plenty, so it’s refreshing to see some more generous slicing on display here. The blackthorn refers not to any sloe berry flavouring, but to a brand of Scottish sea salt that seems to have been similarly generously deployed, and paired with a fairly strident smoke. This would be best served with plenty of brown bread and butter or cream cheese to balance the salt. 7/10
Lidl Deluxe Royal Smoked Scottish Salmon Fillet with Gold Dusting
£9.99 for 200g
If you want to really wow your guests – as in, stun them into goggling silence with the sheer strength of your canapé game – then this gold-dusted hunk of fishy bling is for you. The salmon itself has a good texture and a fairly mellow smoke, but let’s be honest, all anyone’s interested in is the gold. Cut into chunky gold-topped slices and party like King Croesus himself – definitely one to bear in mind for New Year’s Eve, too. 9/10
Morrisons The Best King Prawn Cocktail
£5 for 400g
My first reaction when I finally found some prawns at the bottom of the pot was to wonder what the legal definition of a king prawn is, because I’d expected something bigger than these little fellas – and given that, with seafood at least, smaller is usually better, less disappointingly bland as well. Fortunately the sauce packs enough of a boozy sweet and sour punch that if you stick them on top of some shredded iceberg, and top with cucumber cubes and cayenne pepper, no one is going to complain. That said, I suspect it would still be cheaper to make your own with frozen prawns, but for the time- or energy-pressed, these will be a godsend. 7/10
Aldi Specially Selected Perfectly Seasoned Garlic & Herb Argentinian Red Prawn Skewers
£3.99 for 126g
Another one that has me googling prawns – Argentinian red prawns are a new one on me, but they do feature on Seafood Watch’s sustainability red list of species to avoid. I’m unable to find out much more information about these ones, but frankly, they don’t have a lot of character anyway – despite the name, even the marinade is a bit muted. Again, you’d be better off buying frozen Marine Conservation Society-certified prawns from closer to home and marinating them yourself, bearing in mind that the smaller the prawn, the sweeter the flavour. 5/10
Aldi Specially Selected Rich & Creamy 2 Scallop & Champagne Gratins
£3.29 for 200g
A scallop shell gratin is always a joy to behold (so deliciously retro!), yet it must be noted that, despite the plump example on the box, the one I try has been chopped into tiny pieces texturally reminiscent of the rubber on top of a pencil. The sauce is creamily bland, with the lingering bitterness of the morning after one too many glasses of bad fizz – why anyone would cook with the world’s most expensive sparkling wine is beyond me. If you want seafood, there are far better value options out there. 2/10
Aldi Specially Selected Lemon Infused Cranberry & Orange Salmon
£6.99 for 534g
Though I’m not personally taken with the marriage of cranberry and fish, if you are tempted by this hunk of protein, I’d strongly advise you to carefully consider the instructions to bake it for more than an hour. Not only will you utterly spoil it, but with energy prices as they are, you’ll also end up spending any money you might have saved on the salmon. If I were you, I’d check it after 20 minutes. It’s fine. 7/10
Lidl Deluxe Stuffed Venison Joint with a Pork, Apple and Rosemary Stuffing with Smoked Streaky Bacon
£12.99 for 800g
I’m going to level with you: this one isn’t a looker. God knows how they managed to get the pack shot, which is straight out of one of Henry VIII’s banquets, but the reality is, according to the photographer, “a little plate of sadness” – the soggy stuffing spilling out like the filling from an abandoned sofa under a smoking carapace of burnt bacon. Venison is a naturally lean, dry meat, so you’ll need all your teeth here, but (plot twist) close your eyes and it tastes pretty good. 7/10
Lidl Deluxe 2 Sage, Onion & Hazelnut Vegan Nut Roasts with Gravy
£3.99 for 350g
“Something has gone terribly wrong with the gravy,” the food stylist says apologetically as she presents me with what appears to be a collapsed sandcastle accompanied by a thimbleful of something troublingly gelatinous. Leaving the gravy aside, this has very old-school vegan vibes: lots of different textures, including peanuts, grated carrot, lentil and cranberries, held together by some damp stodge. The predominant flavour is onion, and nostalgia. It’s not terrible, but it’s 2022: vegans deserve better. 5/10
Lidl Deluxe Brussels Sprouts & Bacon Gratin
£2.49 for 450g
I love sprouts. I love them raw, I love them al dente, and I love them slow-cooked into sweet, nutty submission accompanied by generous amounts of butter. But this sad gratin, which has to go into the oven for 40 whole minutes, is like something you’d be served in an institutional setting, and the inmates would have just cause for complaint. Mushy, gloopy and thoroughly unpleasant – vegetables for people who want an excuse not to finish them. 1/10
Iceland Luxury The Perfect Sticky Toffee Crown
£10 for 2,070g
This bears an undeniable resemblance to a similar offering from M&S last Christmas … but clocks in at almost twice the size. As dense and datey as any respectable sticky toffee pudding, but in a more regal format, with frankly obscene amounts of sticky treacly sauce, and another sweet creamy one that saves you making custard (though I wouldn’t say no). This ably fulfils plum pudding’s traditional role of knocking you out after lunch. Great value, especially as it can be microwaved in minutes. 9/10
Morrisons The Best Passionfruit Panna Cotta Star
£7 for 651g
This is so solid I initially think it’s made from white chocolate – no sexy wobble here – but though it’s apparently a bit fiddly to turn out without damage to its marble perfection, the texture proves surprisingly soft and creamy. The flavour is good too: milky sweet, rather than over-sugared, and paired with a pleasingly sharp coulis. I’d be delighted to be presented with this after a Christmas feast. 9/10
Lidl Deluxe Dark Chocolate & Salted Caramel Cottage
£8.99 for 800g
The idea of pouring molten liquid down the chimney of a cottage feels a bit Bad Santa. But, though this chunky chocolate dwelling filled with white chocolate mousse, salted caramel and hefty chocolate biscuit foundations is far too sweet for my taste, I suspect kids would absolutely love smashing it to pieces and demolishing the ruins – which is surely the true spirit of Christmas. Good fun (but make sure you schedule a nice energy-burning walk afterwards or they might start on your house next). 8/10
Aldi Specially Selected Hand Finished Black Forest Snow Globe
£7.99 for 550g
A word of warning: don’t whack this chocolate bauble theatrically with a spoon, hoping for a piñata effect. It’s filled with a nondescript mousse (infused with “exhausted vanilla seeds” I feel a pang of empathy for), and not quite enough cake or amarena cherries to back up the Black Forest claim on the box, plus a weirdly grainy chocolate and hazelnut base that makes it hard to slice. Outrageously, it’s a booze-free zone too. Unsurprisingly, I couldn’t see it in Aldi Germany’s Christmas selection online. Go for the cottage instead. 5/10
