Forget 'the talk' here are 9 things to say to your teens about s-e-x (and five things to avoid)

Mother talking to teenage daughter about sex.

Talking to teens about sex isn't easy, but make it less awkward with these nine straightforward things to say about it - experts also share what you need to avoid in your conversation.   

Talking to children about sex can be an uncomfortable, but entirely necessary part of being a parent. Sex itself is a broad subject matter, and needs to be broken down into smaller topics - parents will need advice on how to talk to kids about masturbation and how to broach the subject of porn.

If you are having difficulty talking about these subjects with your kids, Outspoken Sex Ed has some great advice, recently shared to Instagram. The caption reads: "If you want your teen to be sexually healthy, confident and informed, talk openly instead of letting them get ‘facts’ from friends & social media. Research shows sex ed in school and at home means teens are more likely to delay sexual activity, have consensual first-time sex, practise safe sex and seek help."

Follow these nine helpful tips when it comes to talking about sex with your young people:

1. ACKNOWLEDGE EMBARRASSMENT. Let your teen know this isn't easy for you, it doesn't matter. You could say ‘I never talked about this stuff with my parents but I’ll do my best.’
2. FORGET ‘THE TALK’. You don't have to cover every detail of sex education in one go - little and often is key to keeping conversations natural. If something related to sex comes up on TV or in the news, ask your teen what they think about it as a way of opening up a new conversation. 
3. DON’T USE EUPHEMISMS. Be frank - vague language can create confusion and possible shame.
4. USE CORRECT TERMS. Penis, vagina, use it all correctly - and your children need to know the difference between a vagina and a vulva. 
5. TALK ABOUT CONSENT. Your teens need to understand the importance of respecting their bodies, and any other body they come into contact with. Asking if they want a hug models respect for boundaries.
6. DISCUSS EMOTIONS. Teens should know that that sex involves emotional connections. Encourage them to think about values, and that they'll need time to understand how they feel. 
7. ENCOURAGE QUESTIONS. Don't make anything off limits. Always make sure they know you're proud of them for asking questions, which will encourage them to come back to you with any others they have. 
8. USE DISTANCING TECHNIQUES. Frame questions in a way that isn’t personal, this could be something like saying ‘Humans are interesting – why do you think we cover our private parts?’
9. TALK INCLUSIVELY. Make sure your kids know about different types of relationships from a young age, and understand differences in sexual orientations and identities. 

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That should make talking about these difficult subjects easier, so let's move the conversation on to what you should try to avoid during these discussions. Outspoken Sex Ed suggest not including the following when chatting to teens about sex:

1. AVOID ASSUMPTIONS. Ask your teen what they know, to get a good starting off point for the conversation.
2. DON’T BE JUDGMENTAL. Shock or disapproval can shut things down. Thank them for sharing with you, and suggest keeping the conversation going to help you understand. 
3. DON’T IGNORE OR DISMISS FEELINGS. Don't rush your teen. If they're struggling to convey something to you, don't put words in their mouth. Let them go at their own pace. 
4. DON’T OVERWHELM THEM. Trying to impart everything you think they need to know in one go, can be overwhelming. Consider their maturity level and what they might find confusing - topics can be returned to later.
5. DON’T CARRY ON. If a question surprises you, gently end the conversation while you gather your thoughts. You could say: 'Give me a moment to grab a coffee, then let’s chat.' 

Mum of two, Louise, says "I always dreaded 'the talk,' but my children beat me to it by coming to me when they were fairly young, with questions about things they'd heard in the playground relating to sex and body functions. Because they were young and asked in such an unabashed way, it made it easy to answer their questions without feeling embarrassed.

I also knew this indicated they were ready to go further into sex and other topics. Since that initial question was asked, they've often randomly asked other questions, and I always give frank answers. Hopefully moving into the teenage years, they'll just continue to do this, and will be able to ask me anything at any time. I also make notes of things to bring up with them that I want them to know more about. It really hasn't been as difficult as I was expecting."

For more on this topic, we share how to model consent to your kids, and how to teach them about boundaries in relationships. We also delve into what to expect when your teenager starts dating.