IT’S COMING HO …OH!
“De fault!” exclaimed a triumphant Homer Simpson once, extolling the benefits of what he saw as “the two sweetest words in the English language”. Those sweet words might well have been heard echoing through the corridors of power of the Football Associations of England, Scotland, Wales, Norn Iron and the Republic O’Ireland, when it became apparent they looked on course to win a joint bid to host Euro 2028, even if it was only because nobody else wanted it.
Yes indeedy. Following the scenes of drunken rowdiness and shambolic security that marred the final of Euro Not 2020 last summer, you could probably have got extremely long odds against Wembley hosting a major tournament final any time soon. However, it seems that a combination of international apathy and penury dictate that we may have to wait just over six years before being treated to the iconic sight of a lagered up roofer with a flaming firecracker shoved up his jacksie near FA HQ.
While today marked the deadline for nations to register an intention to bid, the joint venture from the home nations was expected to be waved through as a formality as early as April after interest from Italy, Turkey and a couple of other joint bids appeared to have cooled.
But what’s this? With the home nations busily counting their Euro 2028 chickens before they had hatched, it seems a number of spanners seem to have been thrown in the works of this tortured idiom. Unconfirmed reports suggest that intentions to bid for Euro 2028 have also been submitted by both Turkey and an alliance comprising Romania, Bulgaria, Greece and Serbia. Gah!
What’s more, in what is either a spectacular bordering on wilful failure to read the international room or an act of obscene trolling, Russia have announced their intention to bid despite being banned from international football on the back of their illegal invasion of Ukraine. An incredible post on the Russian Football Union’s official website suggests they are also ready to “support the decision to declare interest in hosting the European Championship 2028 or 2032 in Russia”.
While it is a declaration you would expect to be dismissed out of hand by those in charge of European football’s governing body, it has not gone unnoticed by The Fiver that Russia do not have a monopoly when it comes to misjudging the public mood. Uefa had no immediate response to the Russian declaration but may well have issued a statement by the time today’s Fiver has slithered into your inbox.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He was having a rough game and Alan Pardew had a right go at him. Suddenly Hatem [Ben Arfa] turns to a fridge that would have taken 10 men to pick up. He tried to lift it and throw it at Pards but he couldn’t. He storms out of the dressing room, into the coaches’ office. Five minutes later he reappears eating a sandwich, ready to play the second half” – Scotland coach John Carver gets his highly-entertaining chat on with Ewan Murray about working with temperamental talents, suffering epic b@ntz for calling Scotland “we” and dressing-room stramashes at Newcastle.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest episode of Football Weekly!
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Mike Wilner’s letter admiring Phil Brown’s sartorial elegance – leather bomber jacket with real synthetic fur collar – he’s clearly trying to learn from the best. Here’s a photo of the GOAT Diego Maradona holding up a shirt of my mate’s mate’s mate’s local team on the Isle of Skye, Staffin Football Club. The back story? One of their players (Bryan Nicolson) while on a working holiday in Buenos Aires got word Maradona was nearby, taking part in their version of Strictly Come Dancing. He turned up at the studios with a club top and a bottle of malt whisky and got talking to fans outside who waited for him every night. They told Diego he must see the guy from Scotland, so amazingly he duly came over, accepted the whisky and signed his shirt. Has to be said, he looked just as happy holding the Staffin shirt as he did in 1986 holding the World Cup!” – Andy Morrison.
“With Frank Lampard confirming he would only be able to do his job with the aid of a magic wand, is the Fiver only able to do its job with aid of a magic potion?” – Edan Tal.
“Tim Grey referring to Sunderland’s ‘glory days’ is somewhat stretching the truth. By my estimation, we have had only one glory day – singular – since 1937, which was when we beat the ‘mighty dirty Leeds’ in the FA Cup final on 5 May 1973. I didn’t have to look up this date, as it is etched into my brain, seeing as it is our only major trophy in my lifetime” – Phil Davison.
“Re: footballer-teachers, I attended Northern Grammar School in Portsmouth in the 1960s and our French teacher was Pat Neil, a winger who had played for Pompey while at the same school and also for Wolves. He advised me to give up French as there was no likelihood of me ever being any good at it. I went on to move to France in 1989 and wished that I had paid more attention. Still, I did obtain a very useful O level in British Constitution instead!” – Steve Beaton.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Andy Morrison.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Everton’s Andros Townsend will miss the rest of the season after sustaining cruciate knee-ligament damage against Crystal Palace.
Erik ten Hag is the latest manager to be sounded out by Manchester United about the job at Old Trafford. The Ajax boss met United suits this week and, presumably, quizzed them with a straight face about budgets, plans and the likes.
Paul Pogba has opened up about experiencing depression at Manchester United. “I have been through it, but we don’t talk about it. Sometimes you don’t even know you have depression, you just want to be isolated, to be all alone,” he said.
Paul Canoville, Chelsea’s first black player, has voiced his opposition to the involvement of the Ricketts family’s bid for the club on account of Joe Ricketts’ previous Islamophobic comments. “So I’ve seen and heard enough. I’m backing @ChelseaSTrust and saying a big fat anti racism NO to the Ricketts bid,” Canoville tweeted.
Orlando Pride have apologised after a supporters’ group was initially told it could not display a banner containing the word “gay”.
And Boris Johnson has seen which way the wind is blowing and backed the creation of an independent regulator in English football to deal with the game’s finances, club ownership and corporate governance.
STILL WANT MORE?
Nicky Bandini previews Italy’s Human Rights World Cup play-off against North Macedonia, with Roberto Mancini still talking about winning the whole thing.
Nottingham Forest’s Brennan Johnson ‘has all the ingredients’ and is in line for a role in Wales’s Human Rights World Cup play-off with Austria. Ben Fisher profiles the midfielder.
Three years and out: Chris Evans looks at the “fourth-year curse” and wonders whether managers lose their spark after more than three seasons at a club.
This week’s Knowledge looks at close neighbours in different countries, European clean sweeps and playing in the most World Cup-winning nations.
The Fiver has a new sister email folks! It’s a weekly roundup of the wonderful world of women’s football called Moving the Goalposts. You probably don’t need to be told that it’s going to be smarter and wittier than us – so you had better sign up here. The first edition will come whistling into your inboxes on Wednesday 30 March.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
