A father from Cardiff has spoken candidly about what it's like to raise kids in a same sex relationship. Damian Kerlin and his partner, Andrew Taylor, had always dreamed about raising a family.
In 2018, the couple's dream came true after the two were able to adopt twin boys. During the coronavirus pandemic however, Damian realised that there wasn't a space for him and fellow parents from the LGBTQ+ community to voice their ideas or share the challenges they faced from day to day.
From there, Damian decided to start a blog which explored such aspects, which has proven very popular with parents in the community and further afield. Damian is a finalist in the 2022 WalesOnline Diversity and Inclusion Awards, which is being held on July 13 at the Cardiff City Stadium. You can get a ticket to the event, which includes a three-course meal, at the official website.
Read more: The Cardiff suburb where residents 'struggle to get out of their drives' due to school parking
According to Damian, his journey to become a father all started in 2017, but it had been something that he and Andrew had always talked about. Speaking to WalesOnline, he said: "Andrew and I had been together for seven years when we moved into the first home we had bought together.
"Being parents had been something we had always talked about on and off. We said very early days that we both wanted children. So we knew that it was always on the horizon, it was just a matter of time.
"When we moved into our new house, we just thought we will dip our feet in, we’d see what the process was like, we’d see what it involved. And then, it snowballed in the most positive way.
"I remember both of us sitting down and thinking, wow - this is going really quick. We looked around the house and thought there is so much work to do. But it was one of those things that if not now when? Because there would always be something needed to be done in the house, there would always be something. We just thought let’s do it, let’s go for it."
Thanks to St David's adoption agency, the couple started their process in May and were approved in November of 2017. By February 2018, the couple had been matched and their application was approved by a panel. By mid 2018, the couple had become fathers to twin boys, who were three years old at the time.
Despite adjusting to a new life, Damian says it was a "positive" experience overall. He said: "As part of LGBTQ+ community, life is filled with nerves because it’s full of the unknown. It’s kind of a world you don’t know.
"When you are LGBTQ+, you have your community and friends around you. You kind of attract people who have similar interests to you, similar backgrounds, and you form your friendship group based on that. Although Andrew and I have a lot of straight friends, we never were in that kind of parent circle. So we were a bit like - how is this going to go? Are we going to meet people with similar interests to us?
"We had basic outgoings, but other than that, we didn’t have much responsibilities and had lived care-free. We both were in fortunate positions that we both had comfortable jobs. So to bring children in the mix, we thought- are we mad?
"It was a whole different world that was unknown to us. We weren’t sure if the children would warm to us, how people would take to us, will having two dads be good for them? But the adoption agency were really good to us, for example, they had a buddy scheme in which they would match you with someone that had already been through the process.
"So we met up with two dads as well and they talked us through it, it was really positive. Since then, we’ve buddied up with several adoptive parents as well and have become firm friends. It’s almost created a community within a community."
And as the twin boys have grown, so has the community around them. The couple's children are now in school, which has also been a happy experience for the family.
"They say a child is not born hating with prejudice or influence, and it’s so true," Damian added. The boys started nursery and then started reception, we’ve formed a really good network with the parents. We see our children play with other children.
"We’re lucky that we live in quite a liberal area. Even though there are different cultures, they have been very accepting as we have been accepting of theirs. Sometimes, you may question people’s viewpoints, but I think it’s just important that we keep having those conversations. We do challenge people and from our perspective, we will speak up more in those situations.
"The only issues we have faced as a same sex couple with children is when we are planning on holidays or abroad or in the UK. In the past we used to be so care-free, but now with children - you do sometimes think what’s the thought process of certain countries.
"We feel safe in an urban area, but say in a certain rural area, we might not feel the same way. We wouldn’t want anything to affect our children in a negative way. You’ve got to think a little bit broader than what you’re used to, which is part of a lifestyle and culture change to what we were used to. Luckily, we haven’t come up against anything that is homophobic."
When the coronavirus pandemic hit however, Damian realised that the social side of parenthood was lost thanks to restrictions and lockdowns. It was at this point that the father of two decided to start his own blog - a safe space for him as well as others to express their experience of parenthood.
He said: "I was working in PR and events at the time, and then I was made redundant, which was gutting at the time but in hindsight there was no way I could’ve worked and have the boys while Andrew was working as well. It wouldn’t have worked, so in some ways it was a blessing in disguise. I got to spend time with the boys, which in all honesty, I will never get back in that context.
"I started to write the blog because I struggled to find or speak to someone that was in a similar position to us in terms of being a LGBTQ+ parent, sharing stories and making connections. I knew people and we had friends, but I never really thought about it until I couldn’t see them.
"And I thought, the conversations don’t have to stop just because we can’t see each other. I started the blog mainly to carry on with that conversation and focus on subjects that were of particular interests to me. Blogging about meeting them initially, the relationship they have with their birth parents and how you manage that, and how you talk to children about that in a child appropriate manner, and how genders are perceived by children.
"It’s been really positive on the whole, there has been loads of feedback. I’ve made good online friends with other parents, we talk regularly and we share our feelings or ideas. The purpose of the blog was to carry on with conversations - not to say how this is the right way or the wrong way, it’s about having a conversation."
Following the success of his blog, Damian has done feature writing for large publications such as Belfast Telegraph, Attitude and Adoption UK. But for Damian, the main priority will always be looking after his two sons.
"Like all parents, we’ve had to learn how to be parents alongside learning about our children. But we’ve also learnt who we are as people.
"You don’t see yourself until you see yourself in a child, when they start copying your mannerisms or sayings, and you think that’s just like me. You learn loads about yourself, you pick up on things you never knew about your personality. Quietly in the background, you work on yourself and you grow.
"It’s always great when you do the big things - you go on holiday or go to school for the first time. But to me, it’s the day to day that matters most - they rely on you, you do things together as a family, and having that time together - and realising how valuable that time is."
READ NEXT:
Welsh LGBT+ filmmaker nominated for Digital Broadcast award
Children will begin receiving free school meals next term, Welsh Government confirms
Everything you need to know as Wales set to change speed limit from 30mph to 20mph default
