It’s normal for family to look out for you. What’s not normal, however, is when they use that as an excuse to interfere with your decisions and the way you live, even as an adult.
This Redditor found himself in exactly that situation. His brother and father disliked his girlfriend, calling her “low level,” poor, and a bad influence. They tracked his location, read his messages, and pressured him to end the relationship.
At the same time, they had no issue with him paying for many of their expenses. Feeling trapped and manipulated, the man turned to the internet to ask how to change his situation. Read the full story below.
The man was pressured by his family to end his relationship over claims that his girlfriend was “poor” and “low level”
Image credits: Ahmed Sheraz (not the actual photo)
Meanwhile, they had no problem living on his income
Image credits: Omar Lopez (not the actual photo)
Image source: AndreiDeiu
Most people struggle to set boundaries with family because of guilt or a sense of obligation
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Family can be some of the hardest people to say no to. We grow up with them, depend on them, and often build deep emotional ties that don’t disappear just because we become adults. Saying no can feel like betrayal. It can feel like failure. Sometimes, it even leads to shame for not doing enough.
Research backs this up. One U.S. study found that 72% of people struggle to set healthy family boundaries because of guilt or obligation. Another 43% avoid establishing boundaries to support a loved one, while 36% fear disappointing others.
With that kind of pressure, it’s no wonder the author of this story feels so torn about what to do. For someone raised in a culture that puts family first, choosing independence rarely feels simple.
Even when standing your ground seems like the right move, doubt quickly follows. You want to build your own life, but you don’t want to lose your family in the process. That tension is exhausting.
Still, boundaries show others how you expect to be treated, and at the core of that is self-respect. Mental health platform Calm shares a few practical ways to set and protect them.
One of the most important steps is being clear about what you need. Vague requests often lead to misunderstandings, which only add more tension. In this case, the author already knows what he wants to do: stop paying for the phone bill and groceries, and move out. All that’s left is to say it out loud. The clearer you are, the harder it becomes for others to misinterpret your intentions.
Consistency also plays a big role. If you’ve spent years giving in to keep the peace, standing by a new boundary can feel uncomfortable at first. But changing your stance depending on the situation sends mixed signals. When you hold the same line each time, it becomes easier for others to understand that your boundary is real and not temporary.
How you communicate those limits matters just as much. When we confront someone about behavior we don’t like, it’s easy to fall into “you” statements, like “you did this” or “you’re manipulating me.” That usually puts the other person on the defensive right away and makes the conversation harder.
Using “I” statements keeps the focus on your own experience instead of turning it into an accusation. For example, saying “I feel overwhelmed when this comes up” often leads to a calmer discussion than pointing fingers.
Still, even if you’re careful and consistent, that doesn’t mean others won’t push back. Family members may react with hurt or frustration and try to change your mind. That doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. It just means you may have to stay calm and firm. A simple response like, “I understand this is difficult, but this is something I need,” can help keep things grounded.
When you start setting clear boundaries, some family members may take it as rejection or fear they are losing you. This is where reassurance matters. If you’re not planning to cut ties, it’s important to say that directly. You can let them know you still care and will be there for them, while also expecting your wishes to be respected.
Sometimes, though, creating some distance becomes unavoidable, especially when boundaries continue to be ignored. You don’t have to walk away forever, but taking a pause in communication can create space for reflection and change.
Throughout all of this, patience with yourself is essential. You’ll likely second-guess your decisions, especially if you’re not used to putting your own needs first. But each time you stand by your boundaries, even in small ways, you strengthen your sense of self and slowly reshape how others treat you in the long run.
The author shared more details in the comments
Readers told him it was time to choose independence over pleasing his family
