Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon debriefed Joe Biden’s State of the Union address on Tuesday night, in which the president challenged Republicans on threats to Medicare and social security. “Of course, Democrats spent most of the night clapping for Biden – it wasn’t for anything he said, they were just trying to keep him awake,” the Tonight Show host joked.
Biden also celebrated his administration’s achievements, including the infrastructure bill and reduced inflation. “And we finally convinced Tom Brady to retire, so I think it’s a great year,” Fallon quipped.
“In his speech, Biden called for bipartisanship and unity,” Fallon added. “He was like, ‘As Democrats and Republicans we have one common goal: to mishandle classified documents.’”
Biden’s approval rating, according to the New York Times, stands at 42%, one point above the date of his speech last year. “That’s tough,” said Fallon. “That’s like eating kale for a year and then realizing you haven’t lost one pound.”
Fallon then pivoted to news that Kevin Costner, the star of Yellowstone, is considering leaving the most popular show on cable television to pursue film projects. The show will reportedly continue as a spinoff starring Matthew McConaughey. “They already have a title for it – it’s going to be called Yellowstoned,” Fallon joked.
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers referred to Biden’s State of the Union as his “balloon assassination victory lap”, just days after the US military shot down a suspected Chinese spy balloon over the Atlantic. “You know who would love some inflation? That spy balloon, bitch!”
Jill Biden attended Tuesday’s address with a special guest, U2’s Bono. “I gotta say, I love that she’s using the office of first lady to tick off her bucket list,” said Meyers. “She was at the Grammys, she’s going to the Super Bowl, now she’s hanging out with Bono. If Biden gets re-elected, she’s going to get the gang together for one last heist.”
Meanwhile, the Pentagon said on Monday that the military failed to detect three Chinese spy balloons over US airspace during the Trump administration due to an “awareness gap”, and “because after the eclipse, Trump wasn’t allowed to look in the sky any more”, Meyers joked.
As for Costner reportedly leaving Yellowstone to pursue other projects, Meyers noted: “Said your dad, ‘but, you know, other than that, I’m fine.’”
The Daily Show
"Tucker...why are you always such a whiny little bitch?" @chelseahandler pic.twitter.com/85v2KKcmYs
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) February 8, 2023
On the Daily Show, guest host Chelsea Handler tore into Tucker Carlson for his rant against Biden’s appointment of numerous Black women as federal judges, which the Fox News host claimed was unrepresentative of America, among other baseless complaints. “I wish Tucker Carlson would go back to talking about which M&Ms he likes to fuck,” said Handler.
“What are you even complaining about? Having diversity in power is a dream come true for guys like you,” she continued. “Now you can blame all your problems on women and Black people.
“Maybe if your inbred fingers could work a calculator, you would see that the reason Biden is nominating so many Black women is to make up for men having a 200-year head start,” she added, noting that out of 784 federal judges, only 44 are Black women. “That’s not a lot. You need 20 Black women just to make up for Clarence Thomas.”
Handler had one question for Carlson: “Why are you always such a whiny little bitch? All you do is complain and complain and complain. And now I have to spend my time here complaining about you.”
Handler suggested some preferred topics for the evening, such as “how celebrities were filling up their asses and faces with fat and now suddenly they’re taking out the fat in their asses and faces. And where does all that fat go? And how can I get in on it?
“Now I have to spend my time talking about how you’re mad about white men control almost all of the country,” she said. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a women? How long am I supposed to keep this charade going? And pretend that my face isn’t melting in front of everyone’s eyes.”
