Ethan Slater‘s ex-wife Lilly Jay has penned a personal essay about their very public divorce and the way it impacted her professional life as a clinical psychologist.
In a beautifully written piece for The Cut, Jay reflected on how she came to terms with the dissolution of her six-year marriage to the Wicked star and how uncomfortable it was for her as a private person — professionally and personally — to be seen in the headlines following Slater’s relationship with his co-star Ariana Grande.
“No one gets married thinking they’ll get divorced, in the same way we don’t board a plane expecting to crash,” she began.
“But I really never thought I would get divorced. Especially not just after giving birth to my first child and especially not in the shadow of my husband’s new relationship with a celebrity.”
Slater and Jay separated in September 2023 after 11 years together. They had been married since 2012 and share a two-year-old son together. After their relationship crumbled and Jay came to grips with her new life without her partner, she realised the toll that the public nature of the breakup had on her career.
“In this season of shock and mourning, over a year after the end of my marriage was made public, I deeply miss the life of invisibility I created for myself as a psychologist specialising in women’s mental health,” she wrote.
Jay admitted that she had always been private and chose to limit social media for personal and professional reasons. It was in stark contrast with Slater, whose profession relied on being seen online.
“We puzzled through this predicament on walks, over pizza, in our apartment and excitedly concocted rules of engagement of how and what he would share about our lives together,” she continued.
“It was a tenuous balance — my profession, which requires privacy, and his, which is measured in applause — but it worked well while life was unfolding according to our plans.”
Two months after their baby was born, Jay moved overseas to support Slater as he filmed Wicked in the UK.
“As a perinatal psychologist, I knew all the statistics — how vulnerable a marriage is in the postpartum period, how vital community connection is in preventing depression and anxiety, how new parenthood impacts a whole family — but I confidently moved to another country with my two-month-old baby and my husband to support his career. Consumed by the magic and mundanity of new motherhood, I didn’t understand the growing distance between us,” she wrote.
Although their relationship is over, Jay said their dedication to parenting their son remains steadfast. However, she admitted it has been difficult watching Slater in the spotlight for Wicked after everything she’s been through.
“As for me, days with my son are sunny. Days when I can’t escape the promotion of a movie associated with the saddest days of my life are darker,” she wrote.
For Jay, being shot into the public eye has changed the way clients see her. Instead of being a moldable vessel patients can imagine in any way they like to help their healing, they know her back story. While it’s untraditional, Jay ponders whether her clients might benefit from this transparency.
“Consider this essay my message in a bottle sent out to sea to maybe wash up at my patients’ feet someday: I’m sorry I can’t be invisible anymore (really, more than you know, I’m sorry). This information about me will rush in like water filling all of the blank spaces where you could have, should have, would have imagined me to be whomever you needed,” she wrote.
“If I can’t be invisible anymore, I may as well introduce myself. You know how a sponge is most effective at absorbing liquid when it’s already a bit wet? Maybe we can think about my messy not-so-personal life in that way: a dose of my own loss, rage, powerlessness, sadness that helps me hold yours.”
Quite powerful, no?
The essay is bittersweet, heartfelt, vulnerable and worth the read. You can find the whole thing HERE.
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