I was on a Zoom call this morning with a client doing a coaching call (it was our third of three). In the first session, we went over his Hinge and Bumble profiles to make sure he was putting his best foot forward, both through the photos and the profile itself. In the second session, we talked about what kinds of messages to send to people in order to get responses. Then, this morning, we talked about some of the dates he’s been on in the last week or two … and it was a lot. (Star client!)
He told me about a specific date he had on Friday. They had dinner and drinks (though I generally give the advice “You can always add dinner, but you can’t take it back”), and it went really well. During the date, they mentioned doing it again, and she texted him that night saying she had made it home safely. Seems like a second date is a sure thing, right? Wrong.
Today, three days after this date, I asked when their second date would be, and he said, “I don’t know if it’ll happen.” I pressed a bit. Why? If the date went so well and you talked about a second date, what would it take to actually get the date on the calendar?
He went on to say, “Well, she texted me a lot more before the first date than after, so maybe she’s just not that into me.” My question in response was, “Have you texted her much since the first date?” That one was met with silence. So, no. I said she was likely having the same confusion about him.
He is waiting for her to make some gesture of wanting to see him again. And I imagine she is waiting for him to actually ask her out again and put the date on the calendar. Both people, waiting for the other, are slowly squandering a chance at a second date.
I told him that, in general, for opposite-sex couples, the woman wants the man to ask for the second date. Yes, I believe in both feminism and equality, but I also believe in chivalry, and, to me, they are not mutually exclusive concepts. So, in his not texting her since the date, she now thinks he’s not interested. I asked why he wouldn’t want to simply ask, “When are you free to go out again?” And he replied saying he didn’t want to be rejected because she didn’t seem into him anymore. I was confused. It was a great date, she texted after … and somehow he thinks she lost interest?
I told him the only way to know was to ask. The worst that happens is she says no, and then he’s in no worse position than he is now. At least he would have tried!
Let’s avoid this silly post-date dance of, “Will they or won’t they?” If you want to see someone again, express it. In waiting for the other person, you may be missing your chance of starting something great simply because you’re making up a story in your head that is unlikely to be true.
This seeming ambivalence is confusing for everyone, especially the woman in this case, who already expressed her interest in a second date. When something like this happens, and the woman wants to reach out, I recommend she send him this quick message, “I can’t tell from our texts if you were interested in going out again.” It’s clear. It’s honest. And then you get an answer.
If you want a second date, schedule one. If you don’t, kindly tell the other person you didn’t feel a connection. It’s actually much simpler than we all make it out to be!
So, which came first: the chicken or the second date?
