We reached the contest’s midway mark with another agonising cliffhanger. Before the show returns tonight, here’s your searchlight-dodging, rosé-sipping rundown of all the week two intrigue …
1. Di another day
Don’t drink it, Diane! We left the castle with a fan favourite in the firing line. Traitors Paul, Harry and Miles had been given a secret mission: to kill in plain sight by persuading an unsuspecting Faithful to sip from a poisoned chalice. Farcical scenes ensued as the trio took far too long to find a set of Shakespearean tragedies in the library with the goblet hidden inside. Hapless Harry even considered phoning his mum for help. Bless.
Self-appointed barman Miles was given the task of convincing their chosen target to accept the chalice. It became clear their sights were set on retired teacher Diane. Miles poured sparkling rosé into the chalice, then pretended he had wanted regular rosé. Diane agreed to take the fizzy stuff and a swap was made. At this point, the credits rolled, leaving her fate hanging in the balance and viewers howling at the TV.
Wishful theories lit up social media. Had Diane rumbled Miles’ plan? Might she pour it into her own glass, meaning the mission wasn’t accomplished? Will she be distracted and leave the plonk untouched? Could the bedtime bell ring, timing out the task and saving her skin? As a cliffhanger, it certainly beat that strange episode four ending, with banished Ash about to announce what we all knew already.
The words “I would take fizzy” have just shook a nation. #TheTraitors pic.twitter.com/zggcVCxETD
— Morgan Jeffery (@morganjeffery) January 12, 2024
2. Paul the panto villain
Oh no he amn’t! Oh yes he is! Red-haired rogue Paul has become The Traitors’ equivalent of Nasty Nick from Big Brother. He’s insufferably smug in interviews, smirking about what an evil genius he is. He plays the family-man card and gets weepy when questioned. He backstabbed Ash without blinking, then lied to her face. He’s the villain we love to hate, but no wonder he’s so scheming. It has emerged that Paul was a contestant on Deal Or No Deal more than a decade ago … and won just 10p.
Paul has hitherto been so popular that he’s too powerful to call out. However, he’s looked uncharacteristically rattled of late, forced into tactical errors such as volunteering for the dungeon and being needy with nemesis Jaz. There would be celebrations on sofas nationwide if Paul got his comeuppance. Without its moustache-twirling baddie, though, the show might be a little less fun. Just be thankful that former House of Commons speaker John Bercow hasn’t wheedled his way into the castle, as on the US version. Out of order, order!
Not to be hyperbolic but if Britain ever succumbs to a fascist coup Paul is volunteering for head of the secret police on day ONE #Traitors
— Joe Barton (@JoeBarton_) January 10, 2024
3. Diane, queen of our hearts
Irish-born diva Diane has definitely inherited the gay icon crown from Welsh wonder Amanda last series. She delighted viewers with that surprise familial link (“He couldn’t be my son … But Ross is”). She was heroic in the graveyard mission, grabbing gold while dodging searchlights like a ninja with a bob cut. Her jeans-and-jacket combos at breakfast have spawned the nickname “Fermanagh Wintour”.
Death by sparkling rosé – basically murdered for being a wine o’clock summer fun hun – would be a fittingly camp way to go, but don’t rule out a plot twist. Dame Di’s cult heroine status would be secured by a dramatic escape.
I don’t mean to be delusional, but look at her face. That face knows what’s happening right now. She isn’t going to drink it. She’s going to pour it out and call him a traitor. I will not believe she drunk it. Diane PLEASE don’t drink it #TheTraitorsUK #TheTraitors pic.twitter.com/n6UVjH7OR1
— Ms Daphne 🍉 (@MsDaphneBloke) January 13, 2024
4. Miles off the pace
Has Paul’s co-conspirator Miles also pushed his luck too far? Faced with a pressurised mission, the previously cocky Traitors trio flapped around in panic. That firepit whispering and library search looked deeply dodgy. With the likes of Zack hovering, eyebrows could be raised.
Miles’ over insistent wine-swapping might also attract suspicion, while resentment lingers over his bossy behaviour during the graveyard mission. The popular veterinary nurse might find himself in the spotlight at the next Round Table.
5. The laughably literal music
The Selling Sunset-syle soundtrack of chamber-pop cover versions has been hilariously on-the-nose this series. I especially enjoyed Whose Side Are You On? when the Traitors turned on Ash, Something Wicked This Way Comes during the firepit conflab and Olivia Rodrigo’s Vampire as Paul plotted (“How’s the castle built off people you pretend to care about?”). What are the odds on Alice Cooper’s Poison if Diane drinks from the chalice?
6. Inspector Jaz is on the case
Social media scamps have dubbed him “Jaz-atha Christie” and “Jaz-ica Fletcher”. Mancunian account manager Jaz, one of the more low-profile castle residents, has emerged as the main threat to Paul’s murderous reign. He’s the only surviving Faithful to vote for Paul’s banishment, insisting that everyone else is being “absolutely played by him”. He queried Paul’s over-confidence and was sceptical about his day in the dungeon. Jaz even told Harry that if he was murdered, it meant Paul was a Traitor – cleverly ensuring his own safety for now.
Paul has acknowledged that Jaz is the only one who’s on to him. In retaliation, he’s twice voted for Jaz. It’s as if the pair are locked in their own personal battle. Jaz agreed to a truce but clearly didn’t mean a word. He’s biding his time, but his sights remain trained on the ginger assassin. Episode six also saw Jaz movingly open up about discovering that his father was leading a double life and had a secret second family. His raw honesty won people’s trust. Next time he accuses Paul, will his fellow Faithfuls back him?
I am so here for this battle bubbling under the surface #TheTraitors #TheTraitorsUK pic.twitter.com/vO704wiVSo
— ★ ANASTAZIA ★ (@__Anastazia__) January 11, 2024
7. Merch? We’ll drink to that
Official cloaks, mugs, totes, tees, water bottles and board games are all available. But is anyone else coveting those glass goblets at Round Tables? BBC bigwigs, I’d be happy to discuss a business deal and crossover opportunities with Dragons’ Den.
8. Claudia’s claws came out
Host Claudia Winkleman certainly becomes emotionally invested and it’s been fun to watch her increasing exasperation with the Round Table decision-making: “Faithful, you are doing the Traitors’ work for them”, “Well done, you’ve just banished one of your own”, “The Traitors are laughing”.
Best of all was her harsh-but-fair breakfast speech after Tracey’s murder: “You’ve lost seven Faithful and caught one Traitor. I’d say that’s a bit embarrassing. Stop worrying about who’s got the jam or how you take your coffee and start paying attention.” Savage.
Gave in and stuck The Traitors on last night. Claudia is wonderful and having the time of her life, isn't she? The fingerless gloves! The haughty tellings-off! The owls!
— Charlie Parrish (@charlieparrish) January 15, 2024
9. Careless chalk costs lives
Is it just me being a pedant or are you also bugged by the inconsistent name spellings when banishment votes are jotted on slates? We’ve seen Sonia/Sonja/Sonya, Jaz/Jazz, Johnny/Jonny, Dianne/Diane and Antony/Anthony.
Don’t even get me started on Round Tablers who dramatically reveal their votes, then have to flip their slate because it’s upside down. You had one job, people!
10. Those we have lost
We only waved goodbye to three contestants in the opening week but they’ve been dropping like flies as the contest heats up. A further half-dozen departures saw Brian the Sheep banished, followed by Traitor outcast Ash, ex-military man Jonny and chess coach Anthony. Meanwhile, illustrator Meg and clairvoyant Tracey were murdered. She didn’t see that coming.
Scores on the castle doors
Best Traitor: Harry has climbed to the top of the turret, no matter what Paul might smugly think.
Best Faithful: Jaz, Zack and Jasmine are emerging as the sleuths-in-chief.
Quote of the week: Harry casually making most viewers feel ancient: “Me and Mollie are the babies of the group. We’re both young, dumb and fun, innit? Not saying everyone else is old but they’ve got wives and stuff.” Wives and stuff!
Winkleman wardrobe watch: Coats and boots were on point, but her knitwear stole the show, notably that Sarah Lund-style Fair Isle jumper.
Prize pot: After six missions, the fund stands at a respectable £49,550 out of a possible £61,000.
Body count: The Traitors have only lost Ash from their original cloak-clad foursome. Faithfuls are a whopping eight down, leaving them with 10. But as the castle population shrinks, will it get harder for the Traitors to hide?
Will it be Dry January or Di January? Please let us know in the comments below and meet you back here next Wednesday to analyse all the week three action. In the meantime, stay faithful.
