This was as decorous an affair as one might expect. A good sprinkling of curious spectators gathered here to have a look at the visiting Australians, most of whom were unusually unfamiliar, and they did so politely.
A brief foray into the stands on the Tavern side of the ground was unproductive: there were no clever-dick references to sandpaper in the pocket. Instead, a group of London-based Aussies ribbed Stevie Eskinazi about whether he was playing for the right side. Eskinazi learned his cricket in Perth before settling at Middlesex. Apparently, down at Hove in Australia’s first match, Nathan Lyon was asked whether he had any sandpaper in his pocket. “Just the Ashes in there, mate,” he said.
The Australians won this match comfortably, by 101 runs, and throughout a dreamy afternoon we tried to distinguish who was who. There were two Richardsons bowling but they are not related. Kane is from Adelaide, Jhye, the quicker of the two, is from Perth. Billy Stanlake is the one who must be at least six-and-a-half feet tall, while the all-rounder Michael Neser began life in Pretoria before his family emigrated to Queensland when he was 10.
It is not just the disgraced David Warner and Steve Smith who are missing. The entire bowling attack that haunted England in the Test matches during the winter – Mitchell Starc, Pat Cummins, Josh Hazlewood – are absent and so is Mitchell Marsh. Those mentioned above are their replacements.
England have seldom started as stronger favourites in any sort of series against Australia, with the first ODI of the summer on home soil taking place at the Oval on Wednesday. Which is worrying. The opponents are Australian and they are dangerous, especially when expectations are so low and the side is so anonymous that we do not even know who the pantomime villain is going to be. Glenn Maxwell, perhaps?
Lyon has many of the appropriate credentials but the chances are that he will not be a regular in the team.
This is all a bit disconcerting. As is the fact that Justin Langer has been at the forefront of a charm offensive. This is the same Justin Langer who is the archetypal Aussie of our imagination. We assume that he sleeps in his baggy green and dreams about the wonders of mateship. He is familiar to us in England as the most nuggety of opening batsman, who did sterling work and set a wonderful example on the county circuit for Middlesex and Somerset. He is as tough as they come.
Yet this week he has been quite mischievous when taking it upon himself to redefine the English language. He informed us that he “sledges” his daughter. So it seems we have been mistaken all these years. We have a fresh definition of sledging: a form of loving, light-hearted banter that often takes place around the dinner table of West Australian households. We need Frank Muir to help out.
Clearly the Aussies are expecting some stick on this tour even though none was forthcoming here. Come Tuesday at the Oval their expectations may be fulfilled but in the absence of Smith and Warner this will surely be no more than a ritual, after which everyone can concentrate on the cricket. Aaron Finch, the vice-captain of the tour party, who has played for Yorkshire and Surrey, said: “It’s all in good jest – most of the time.”
Beyond the diplomacy we can be sure Langer will be plotting victories rather than respectability; he knows no other way. Finch has spoken engagingly of the fierce commitment of his new coach. “You don’t want to be in his glare,” he said. “I’ve been there before, though not on this tour.”
Langer has steely eyes that can penetrate like laser beams. He can be hard to please, yet he must be relatively content at the way his young side have performed in their two warm up-matches.
Here, against a weakened Middlesex side, Travis Head hit a century, a relatively cagey one by modern standards, and there was a handy contribution from Shaun Marsh and a more belligerent one from Finch. In the end they might have been disappointed by their final total of 283 for six. In part, they were restricted to a sub-300 total by 30 overs of competent spin bowling overseen by Steve Finn, who led the side more effectively than he bowled.
Australia were busy in the field with their unfamiliar quartet of pacemen bustling in earnestly, augmented by Ashton Agar and the left-hand wrist-spin of D’Arcy Short. The outcome was never in doubt, though Middlesex will take heart from the performance of Max Holden, 20 years of age and a former England U19 captain. He is primarily a batsman but his 10 overs of off-spin yielded 29 runs and one wicket and he was comfortably Middlesex’s best batsman while striking a run-a-ball 71.
Langer may not need to warn his young charges that the opposition, both on and off the field, will not be so accommodating at the Oval on Tuesday. But he’ll probably tell them anyway.
