What did the poor wean do to deserve that?
Could you no’ just have sent her to bed without any supper?
Is Childline still on the go? I’m phoning Esther Rantzen…
Yes, folks, that was the predictable reaction on social media last week when I announced I was taking my wee girl to her first ever Motherwell match.
However, none of those cheeky swines could dampen my enthusiasm.
And I must disagree with Sir Lindsay Hoyle (the Speaker of the House of Commons) who claimed the funeral of Her Majesty the Queen was the most important event the world will ever see.
Sorry mate, but on a strictly personal note, NOTHING will beat watching my wee lassie making her debut at Fir Park.
Sophie was shocked by the language on Sunday afternoon - all that non-stop effing and blinding - and she actually got quite upset. So me and the wife called a truce and I drove the wean out to the Motherwell game…
(See what I did there?)
She loved every minute of it - not as much as my pal’s kid whose first ever game was the 6-6 draw with Hibs back in 2010! - and that’s after a 3-0 defeat.
If the ref had added on half an hour for Hearts’ time-wasting (well within reason) and Louis Moult had scored four, I think I’d still be scraping her off the ceiling.
(Memo to veteran Jambos goalie Craig Gordon: you’re nudging 40, mate, you don’t HAVE time to waste!)
Yep, King Louis is back at Fir Park and - as proven by the standing ovation at the final whistle - we’re playing some terrific stuff under new boss Stevie Hammell.
In fact, over the next few years, I boldly predict the Motherwell players will have ALMOST as many medals as Prince Edward…
Before the game, I texted Hearts boss Robbie Neilson and joked: “I’m taking my wee lassie to her first ever game today. Only a proper heartless b*****d would ruin her day…”
He replied: “You’re just about to ruin the rest of her life - so who’s the heartless one?”
A fair point, well made!
On a day I’ll never forget, we nearly missed the kick-off. Yep, we were queued up at the gate when Phillip Schofield & Holly Willoughby suddenly jumped in front of us…
Sophie was on her best behaviour (unlike her fellow 11-year-old kids in The Green Brigade, she respected the minute’s applause for the Queen) and I wish I could say the same for the boys I sit next to.
Over the course of the afternoon, I reckon she learned three or four new words - none of which I’ve begged her to repeat in class - but, to be honest, the bad language has calmed down at Fir Park ever since former boss Graham Alexander got his jotters.
As you’d expect, my inquisitive wee lassie asked plenty of questions.
My favourite? After noticing the Hearts punters were in the south stand while the Motherwell fans occupied the other parts of the ground, she asked: “Why are the supporters sitting apart, dad… is it in case they have an argument?”
Ah, the innocence of youth!
Hands up the Motherwell and Hearts fans who remember some of our classic “arguments” back in the early 80s?
Sophie was so engrossed in the game, she didn’t even ask for a pie or a hot-dog from the food kiosk.
Talk about showing your inexperience? As my fellow ‘Well fans will testify, that could easily have resulted in a week off school…
But she did have a few souvenirs to take home: a match programme, a team-sheet and, probably, a foreboding sense of eternal doom and gloom.
Nah, on a very chatty drive home after the 3-0 defeat, an excited Sophie assured me she can’t wait for the next game.
Erm, will you tell her or will I?
Forget it, honey, you’re a jinx.
PS. I’ve heard it for 30-plus years and now, after just ONE game at Fir Park, the same guff is being levelled at Sophie. When I posted about our brilliant daddy & daughter adventure on Instagram, I received a message literally five seconds later that said: “Aye, but who does she REALLY support…?”
You got to hand it to the royals
Forgive the cynicism, but do you think the VIP coaches at the Queen’s funeral were tied in with a King Charles’ sponsorship deal?
Those must be the fattest fingers in the history of the British monarchy.
No wonder he struggled so much with that pen.
By the way, I loved the response on Twitter when one of Meghan Markle’s tedious critics slagged her for having bare arms at a funeral.
“She’s American,” said my hero of the week, “she has the right to bare arms…”
Brilliant.
Alas, zero sympathy for Prince Andrew when he shed a few tears.
One critic said: “His mum’s £12m cheque must have bounced.”
While another suggested: “He’s just heard that Pizza Express is closed today.”
One other observation: my lip-reading skills are not the best but, towards the end of the service, I’m SURE the Japanese PM said to US President Joe Biden: “Have you got the postcode for the bowling club we’re going to after this…?”
PS. When the Queen was lying in state, I’m told David Beckham was asked if he’d like to skip the queue. “Sounds fun,” he said, “but I’ll just walk.”
The end of Shawfield - that's ruff
Shawfield Greyhounds, RIP.
Spent a good 20 years of my life at the famous dug track in the east end of Glasgow, so I was naturally gutted when it was officially closed last week to make way for a housing development.
However, I cheered up (well, a wee bit) when my pal Bobby told me about the night he took his cousin Beatrice to the dogs.
A complete novice, she put £1 on Trap 2 in the first race - and it won.
In the second race, she put £1 on Trap 2 - and it won.
In the third race, she put £1 on Trap 2 - and it won.
In the fourth race, she put £1 on Trap 5 - and Bobby asked why she wasn’t betting Trap 2.
“Och,” she said, “that dog must be knackered by now…”
Lada-dah
A Motherwell pal told me that an old guy from our hometown passed away last week - and this guy was apparently well known for driving a Lada with (wait for it) a personalised number plate!
That’s fantastic. And it must have taken plenty of guts.
I mean, surely most Lada drivers went ex-directory?
Years ago, one of my mates was invited to The Lada Owners’ Christmas Ball. The invitation stated: “Please arrive 7pm for 11.30pm…”
Aye, it’s a strange world.
I met someone yesterday who claims to have watched an episode of Piers Morgan Uncensored on Talk TV.
If you think THAT’S crazy, what about the woman interviewed on the radio this week who spent £20,000 on a birthday party for her CAT!
Some moggies can be expensive, of course.
I remember when my wife wanted a Siamese cat… and she told me they cost £4000!
I bought two normal cats and glued their heads together…
Bocelli better than Pavarotti?
The great Andrea Bocelli appeared at The Hydro in Glasgow on Tuesday night and tickets were even harder to find than Anthony Stokes.
So thanks to my dear pals John & Donna who managed to snaffle a couple of briefs for me and my wife.
The big man was in fantastic form - two days later, I’ve STILL got goosebumps - and I actually thought he was even BETTER than the late, great Luciano Pavarotti.
Went to see Big Pav at the Royal Albert Hall in London 20 years ago and - yep, he had a terrific voice - but he was a crabbitt b*****d.
Didn’t like you joining in…
My fave photos of the week.
Holly and Phil on the Titanic
Tut-tut. A Royal funeral is NOT the time for taking selfies!
Must admit I had a tear in my eye this week when I saw this lovely photo of the first time Keith Richards met the Queen.
“We asked 100 people to name something you’d give to someone you’ve never met. You said ’12 million pounds’ - our survey said…?”
The new £1 coin won’t be ideal for slot machines.
Text jokes of the week.
A petition to have Phil & Holly sacked got 20,000 signatures. Or 20,002 as theirs suddenly appeared at the top…
Diana Ross was slammed for jumping the queue at the Queen’s funeral. One angry onlooker told her: You can’t hurry, love. You’ll just have to wait.”
How do you milk sheep? Release another iPhone.
I’ve been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal…
I’ve decided to marry a pencil. I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
I should never have bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. Don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
My wife wants to kick me out because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns. “Okay,” I said, “Alpaca my bags.”
Just opened my electricity bill and my water bill at the same time. I was shocked.
A man in the pub last night tried to sell me a coffin. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
My wife once told me sex was much better on holiday. Worst postcard I ever received…
Only when you hit 50 do you realise why they call them the “wee” small hours.
I asked my wife if I could have her lighter. She looked confused and said: “But you know I don’t smoke.” I said: “Aye, but you eat plenty.”
New Scottish joint for Snoop
So, Rapper Snoop Dogg is planning to open his own restaurant in Glasgow?
The big man will be easy to spot in the kitchen. He’ll be the one chopping the onions with a credit card.
And finally
King Billy fortified wine (16.90% ABV) has been launched to rival Buckfast and I’m sure this will interest my Rangers-daft pal from Airdrie who recently joined a wine club.
They meet every morning at 8am in the park.
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