A young Edinburgh man who has struggled to move on from his troublesome past, while also being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), says that he wishes to end if his life at an assisted dying clinic.
Kevin Sutherland, 31, said that he was diagnosed with BPD nine years ago and since then, it has made his life "unbearable." Kevin has also given evidence at the Scottish Child Abuse Inquiry and said that his battle with mental health is due to his issues growing up and the abuse he suffered.
He told the Record: "My life is very broken and damaged. Living like this is unbearable. I don’t want to carry on with a torturous life sentence. I want it to end on my terms because I don’t see a future for me. Even though I want to end my own life, I’m not suicidal. I am very aware of the pain I’ll have to endure if I continue living.
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“People will say I don’t have the mental capacity to decide but my self-awareness of my condition and how it has impacted my life is exactly what qualifies me."
In May, Kevin visited a clinic in Brussels, where assisted suicide is legal, to speak with a doctor and informally discuss his wishes to die on his own terms. He will return in September to begin the process and apply for help to die by euthanasia.
He added: “I’m not scared and I’ve never been conflicted about it. I live with this and I know how painful it is.
“I wasn’t born with a personality disorder. It was a result of my upbringing and, now that I have developed it, I can’t undo that. I’ve spoken to many professionals but it has always come back to the same mindset for me. This is me taking control of my destiny. I’ve not been in control of many things in my life but this is me taking control of my death.”
In 2002 Belgium officially legalised euthanasia, something that is illegal in the UK. Those who are believed to be in either extreme physical or mental pain that cannot be alleviated are allowed to request it. Kevin, who also has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and symptoms of agoraphobia, anxiety and depression, must make the request for euthanasia on two separate occasions in writing.
He must be deemed to be suffering from the effects of an incurable disease or mental illness and two independent physicians as well as a physiatrist must sign off on it.
Kevin said: “To make an appointment you must go there in person. So I’m going there to do the groundwork and meet with doctors to begin the process to end my own life. First you meet with a psychiatrist and then you meet two other doctors a couple of months apart. A panel then meets and their decision has to be unanimous. Only then can you get the seal of approval for euthanasia.
“Some people get that seal and decide to do it months or years later. I don’t need time with people or to tie up loose ends. I don’t feel the need to tell family as it’s not really up to them and I’ll go alone.
“I know there are lots of people who go for this and get refused the first time so I’ve had to mentally prepare for that. I know if I’m refused I will apply again.”
Kevin said he has tried medication and help from doctors and therapy but believes he has no other option.
He added: “I’ve messed about with enough medications to help play down the symptoms. I’ve done hypnotherapy, I’ve had life coaches and I’ve done a lot of online counselling.
“I’ve explored so many alternatives but there is no specific cure for it. That’s how I know this is the right decision for me.”
He also spent more than £70,000 on cosmetic procedures to alter his appearance but admitted it made no difference to how he feels inside. Kevin, who is also an influencer on Instagram, blames his mental health for not being able to hold down serious relationships or jobs.
He said: “When I’ve looked back over the last 15 years, I can see things that have gone wrong that have been no one’s fault but mine because of the way I’ve conducted myself.
“It’s not that I can’t attain friends or relationships, it’s maintaining them because of my behaviour. If you take someone and steal their identity, love and friendships, then all that remains is an empty shell. That’s what my condition does.
“People will say I need help but I’m very aware of my decision and I’m doing what I feel is right for me. Because I’m so in tune with how I feel, aware of my past and what my future will be like dealing with this, it makes me the perfect person to go and be empowered by this decision.
“I’m not going into this recklessly or impulsively or because I’ve been heartbroken or for revenge. It’s for myself.”
Kevin had a troubled upbringing, moving from one care home to the next. As a teenager, he wanted to transition to become a woman and spent a year living as Kelly. He said he recently gave evidence of the abuse he suffered growing up to the Scottish Child Abuse Inquiry.
He also admitted getting into bother with the police. In 2010, he was jailed for extorting a total of £87,000 by blackmailing ten men on chat sex lines. He recorded conversations with men, including those about underage sex, then told the individuals they would be exposed if they did not pay him.
He said: “I gave evidence at the recent child abuse inquiry as I was in and out of care from when I was five until 10, then went into care permanently until I was 16. It was a chaotic life of abuse and neglect. After I left care, I ended up in the hands of a guy who was a paedophile.
“I ended up speaking to these guys who would tell me about their fantasies and abusing children and I ended up blackmailing them over it. All of these things in my life contributed to how I turned out. I don’t want to lay the blame at anyone for how I’ve ended up feeling but I understand why I am the way I am.”
Kevin added: “There is a Bill about assisted dying going through parliament now for terminally ill patients. I think it should include mental health because it is just as crippling as any physical condition that would qualify.”
Anyone can contact Samaritans for free any time from any phone on 116 123, even on a mobile without credit. Or you can email jo@samaritans.org.
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