The word resilience is slippery and hard to define, but it isn’t about “bouncing back”, says Dr Nihara Krause, consultant clinical psychologist and founder of teenage mental health charity stem4. “It’s about bouncing forward, finding how you might progress based on developing new tools and skills.”
And it’s not just something to hone when young, but a lifelong pursuit, says Dr Julie Smith, clinical psychologist and author of Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?: “Resilience is something we work on all the time – when people hit a certain life event that proves more demanding than their current coping strategies can meet, we’re learning new ways of coping, to bolster that resilience.”
Here, then, is a lifetime’s guide …
Toddlers
Risky play builds resilience in small children, says Ellen Sandseter, professor at Queen Maud University College of Early Childhood Education, Norway. Children seek out daring experiences such as climbing trees or running down hills because, she says, “when they succeed, it gives them an intense mastery feeling that builds courage and self-belief, which is important for resilience.”
In Norwegian preschools, children can climb trees as much as they want – “as long as they can get up and down themselves,” Sandseter says. “It’s not about age, but competence, so if a child asks a teacher to lift them up, they would say no.” If they look precarious, you yelling for them to get down means you’re taking over the risk management, so they don’t learn to do it themselves. If they panic, talk them down: “Tell them, ‘Lower your foot five centimetres and you’ll feel a branch, it’s secure so you can stand on it.’ You’re supervising the child to get down by themselves, so they’re learning.”
Spend time observing your child. “They’re diverse – you have sensation seekers and more cautious children, but all seek risk. Learn about your child’s competencies and personality and find challenges and thrills that are within their range,” says Sandseter. If climbing a tree is daunting, find a different way to play with heights, like jumping down from a log, rock or mound.”
Squabbling helps them develop aspects of social resilience, such as negotiation. Sandseter describes implementing a rule in a Canadian preschool, where staff had to wait 17 seconds to intervene, even in conflict situations: “Usually before that time elapsed the children had resolved it.” But adds: “Of course, if they start wrestling you may need to step in.”
Give them some free rein, too. “Norwegian preschoolers explore an area without constant supervision, so they have to take responsibility,” says Sandseter. It’s a concept known as “invisible fences” where a child is told the limits of an area they can explore, but there is no physical barrier. “Research shows encouraging children to be independent like this builds resilience and impacts levels of anxiety,” says Sandseter.
Adolescents
“Learning adaptive strategies is hard in adolescence because there’s so much going on physically and emotionally,” says Dr Krause. But there are ways the parent can help; suggest that exams are a measure of their performance but not the be-all and end-all.
Watch out for a mismatch between what you say and what you model. “Parents say ‘As long as you do your best’, but then show disappointment or compare negatively with a sibling,” says Krause. Help teens practically by explaining time management, but most importantly, help them deal with perceived failure. “Encourage the idea that if they haven’t been able to do something, add the words ‘as yet’,” says Krause. Then troubleshoot with them; what could they have done differently? Help them realise that there are strategies to overcome setbacks.
In terms of digital resilience, encourage them to think critically and identify disinformation and misinformation. Images of perfection have an impact, Krause says: “A huge resilience factor is self-compassion and self-acceptance but that doesn’t happen in teens, because part of teen identity is not to be different.” Krause suggests celebrating difference, and trying the ‘toothbrush report’: “When they brush their teeth in the morning, encourage them to think about something positive about themselves, and something positive they’re going to do. When brushing their teeth at night, review it and think, ‘I’m pleased that good thing happened.”
A significant factor in developing resilience is the ability to understand emotions, and how to express and regulate them. “Teens’ brains are still developing so they have peaks of emotions”, says Krause. “Help them to understand that it’s OK to be hurt, but the response is not about inflicting the same degree of hurt on the other person. Help them put into words how they feel, and to reason why it’s happened. They need help going from thinking it’s the end of the world to being able to think differently about it and develop some sense of confidence.”
Young adults
Tackle gen z’s “snowflake” reputation, says GP and young people’s mental health expert Dr Dominque Thompson: “It’s dismissive and lacks any compassion.” Alongside obvious challenges, such as the pandemic, social media and climate change, Thompson cites a cult of perfectionism: “In the 70s, if you went to university you were one in seven. Now you’re one in two. Young people feel they need to get a first, do a master’s, get a PhD, have amazing internships. Young people’s biggest fear is failure.”
To counter perfectionism, Thompson recommends trying new things without being afraid to mess up: “It’s how we’ve evolved as humans and how we build self-confidence. Even if it doesn’t go well, you can still think ‘Well done me for trying’.” It doesn’t have to be elaborate, it could simply be trying somewhere new to eat.”
Social isolation is a concern, Thompson says: “First year university students aren’t going to lectures, they just catch up online – and it’s the same in the workplace.” Remote working means young adults today lack inherent support networks.
“Whenever you have the opportunity, be there in person,” Thompson says. She also suggests volunteering to build your social network: “Whether that’s helping at a food bank, clearing the local waterways or teaching kids to read.”
Young people have grown up being told to speak up about mental health, yet they’re often derided when they do. “They’re criticised for saying ‘I have anxiety’ when they don’t have the clinical definition of anxiety,” says Thompson. “That’s unhelpful – we, the professionals, should guide and advise them.”
She recommends the websites studentminds.org.uk, youngminds.org.uk and mind.org.uk and suggests talking to “someone who will listen, believe them, and not fix it all for them, but be alongside them.”
In terms of resilience around eco-anxiety, Thompson suggests “taking proactive steps in what you choose to eat, how you choose to travel and where you choose to work helps you regain a sense of agency.”
Midlifers
At this time of peak responsibility, Smith says that we tend to turn towards our feelings with judgment: I’m overwhelmed, so I’m falling short. “But it’s more helpful to turn towards feelings with curiosity; ‘I’m feeling resentful, what does that mean I need?’ A break? A reallocation of responsibilities?”
If you’re caring for sick parents, Smith says that witnessing their deterioration can be hugely painful: “Rather than saying ‘I need to be more robust’, recognise you feel sad because this is a sad situation. Don’t kick yourself when you’re down.”
Diet, sleep and exercise impact resilience, so too does meaningful work, and your sense of agency. “If someone perceives themselves as a victim with no way of affecting change, that will cause much more distress than someone who looks at where they can help themselves,” says Smith. Often our problems are either around experiencing feelings we don’t want (stress) or wanting positive feelings back (freedom).
“Look at what’s contributing, then what changes could contribute to a better outcome,” says Smith. “There isn’t one magic bullet, it’s about making lots of small changes. Reflect on what those might be, try them, keep what works, ditch what doesn’t. It could be getting friends involved so you can take breaks. A friend of mine had someone come along to sit for an hour with her elderly father, who had dementia, in the morning so she could exercise or go for a walk. Just having that one hour a day made a huge difference.”
When you experience grief, again, watch your expectations. “People often feel they ‘should’ be OK a month later, and when they’re not, they judge themselves,” says Smith. “Allow yourself protected time to feel pain and to feel connected to that person, perhaps by visiting a certain place or spending some with photographs. Then put in a conscious effort to step back into the present again.”
If work is dissatisfying, explore that. “The risk of suicide in middle-aged men is particularly high if they lose their job and then feel unemployable because of their age,” says Smith. “Sit with a therapist, pen and paper or a trusted friend and hash it out. How long have you felt this? What do you feel you need? What would you be spending the next five years doing?”
Retirement and beyond
Retirement can be daunting. “Make a list of what you want more and less of, and make plans,” says Dr Lucy Pollock, NHS geriatrician and author of The Book About Getting Older. “You may have an ‘encore career’, find purpose through volunteering – or may just want to do your watercolours. All are legitimate.”
Physically, alongside good diet and moderate drinking, Pollock recommends going through your medications. “Use ‘Bran’ – ask your doctor what are the benefits, risks, alternatives, and what if I do nothing? There are lots of medications that can slow you up physically or mentally, so go through them all with a fine-tooth comb.” Exercise-wise, ignore glossy pictures of 85-year-olds wearing leotards doing the splits, says Pollock. “Walk fast enough to get out of puff four times a week,” she says, and do weight-bearing exercises to reduce risk of fractures.
If you’re facing a burden of care, says Pollock, do you have family or friends who could help? “Is there a memory cafe where your spouse could sit and chat while you get your hair done? Ask link workers, faith groups, in the GP surgery – and keep asking.”
Bereavements become regular, but the grief is no less valid. “A loss is a loss. We mustn’t minimise it,” says Pollock, who encourages people to talk: “Remember the good times even if it might make you tearful.” The loss of a partner is particularly complex. “You’re allowed to feel relieved if their suffering is at an end,” says Pollock. Allow time to adjust and keep talking to your partner. “You’ve chatted to one another all your life, why would you stop?”
Finally, learn something new. “But if you’re as bad at learning the trumpet at 80 as you were at eight, don’t get despondent,” says Pollock. “It isn’t because you’re old, it’s just not your thing.”
