DEAR ABBY: Is it normal to be disgusted by your wife’s lack of concern about her appearance and her belongings? My wife drives a $50,000 car that never gets washed and is so filled with “stuff” that seldom can she take even one passenger.
Her side of the bedroom is just as bad. She never makes the bed and can no longer get to her dresser because there are so many clothes piled in front of it. It’s the same down the hall. In addition to plowing things aside or piling them in a spare room, her messes take over the house.
She also doesn’t take care of herself. She often doesn’t shower for days. Her clothes are frumpy, and I can no longer count how many pounds she keeps adding. It is embarrassing for me, especially when she proclaims she “will never be concerned about her weight again.” I feel it’s disrespectful to me when she says those things, and I can’t let this continue. I am supposed to get used to it? It doesn’t seem right.
Most of her time is spent listening to and reading about politics. Some would be OK, but she has dived so far down the self-righteous religious rabbit hole, she has no other perspective. She can’t work. She believes she’s some sort of activist because she forwards memes on Facebook. It amazes me that she can see neighbors who are older than she is have full-time careers and take care of themselves and their things and yet still believe she’s normal and even judge others.
She does a few things for the church, where she can portray an upstanding image, and it’s really important to her that they see her that way. I think she has a chemical imbalance of some sort and needs help, but how do you even start? If it wasn’t so complicated, I’d move out. By not doing so, is my complacency making things worse? — AT MY LIMIT IN TEXAS
DEAR LIMIT: Was your wife like this when you were dating? In the year or two after your marriage? If the answer is no, it is important that she be evaluated by a doctor because what you describe could be symptoms of depression or a mental or emotional problem.
The way I would handle this if I were in your place would be to tell her you love her, but you can no longer live the way things have become. Then offer her a choice: Get help, or you are leaving.
DEAR ABBY: I have been struggling with the loss of my mother, who passed away 10 months ago. She was my best friend and was always there for me when I came out as gay. When I married my husband in October 2020, she was so happy — she actually gave me away. We lost her suddenly, and since then my life has felt dark and sad. I’m currently in therapy, and I have made some progress. But I am stuck wondering, is it normal almost a year later to still feel hurt and sad that my mother is gone? — SAD SON IN INDIANA
DEAR SON: I am glad you asked. I am also glad you are in therapy. Everyone grieves differently, and it is not unusual for someone to continue to grieve the loss of a loved one after a year. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your dear mother. There are brighter days ahead.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
