Going behind your spouse’s back is a form of betrayal, regardless of how significant the matter is. It can cause cracks in the relationship that may destroy its foundation to irreparability.
A man seemingly didn’t think things through when he went against his wife and their agreed-upon name for their newborn son. He did it without her knowing and then put himself in deeper trouble by lying about it when caught.
The woman is now planning to file for divorce, but she is also seeking answers from the AITAH Reddit community. Scroll down to read the full story.
Doing something behind a spouse’s back is never a good idea
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A woman is contemplating divorce after her husband went against their agreement on their newborn son’s name
Image credits: AnnaStills/Envato (not the actual photo)
But her conflicted feelings urged her to ask the internet for answers
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Experts consider keeping secrets in a marriage a relationship red flag
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Secrecy has no place in a marriage, and experts consider it a relationship red flag. Chicago-based licensed clinical social worker and therapist Jennifer Klesman defines it as any behavior that may indicate future incompatibility.
As she told TODAY in an interview, these issues can be the catalyst for a breakup.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Holly Schiff says being secretive is a relationship red flag to look out for. According to her, it’s a possible sign of a lack of trust, even in lies that may seem insignificant.
Doing something behind a spouse’s back may also mean the marriage lacks maturity. As couples therapist Dr. Jeannette Raymond told Mel Magazine, people who act in such a way usually fail to do what is suitable for the relationship and instead resort to self-serving actions.
“Both individuals [must] do what they need to do without threatening the ‘couple’ part of the relationship,” Dr. Raymond said.
The story’s author felt betrayed twice by her spouse. Not only did he go against their agreement, but he also lied to her when he got caught. Her frustrations and desire to end their marriage because she no longer trusts him are understandable.
Forgiveness is necessary for rebuilding the broken trust in a marriage
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The woman isn’t firm on her decision to end her marriage, which likely means a part of her still wants to rebuild the broken trust. If this is something she intends to do, she must find it in herself to forgive her husband.
As NYC-based therapist Dr. Lira de la Rosa told SELF in an interview, ruminating about a betrayal is “normal.” However, dwelling on it too much can only “deepen the wounds” and hinder both parties from moving forward.
Dr. De La Rosa adds that the next goal must be strengthening the relationship. He suggests activities like date nights or regular check-ins to address lingering issues.
Regaining someone’s trust takes time. As licensed marriage and family therapist Angie Sadhu pointed out, it’s not a linear process.
“It’s not as simple as receiving an apology, forgiving them, and bam, there’s the trust again,” she told SELF in the same interview.
Sadhu suggests avoiding the “helicopter” approach, like snooping on a partner’s phone or accessing their social media accounts. She instead advises looking into compromises that would work for both.
But if that doesn’t work, seeking professional help like couples counseling would be the next best move, something the author may want to consider. While the husband’s actions are difficult to forgive, filing for divorce just because of it may be too drastic.
What do you think? Is the author within reason to end her marriage because of what her husband did?
A chunk of commenters sided with the author, with some accusing the husband of having an affair with his boss
Others blamed her for overreacting and “finding an excuse to divorce”
