Three gay men who are in a throuple – a three-person romantic relationship – are raising an adopted daughter together and are in the process of becoming the second three-person relationship in the US to be recognised as legal parents of a child on a birth certificate.
Ben Rolam, a director of sales and education, 37, and his long-term boyfriend, Mitch Rolam, a manager of account development, 37, always discussed bringing a third person into their relationship, and, after being together for 12 years, they found their perfect match, Benjamin Rolam, an entrepreneur, 35, on a gay cruise in 2018. They all now live in Los Angeles together with their one-year-old adopted daughter, Tegan, and one day they hope to have two more children through surrogacy.
When Ben and Mitch met Benjamin, none of his family members knew he was gay – so, when introducing his new partners to his loved ones, he had to both come out and tell them he was in a throuple, which he said they took “surprisingly well”. Now, all three of the men’s parents have “accepted” their relationship and happily share grandparent duties.
The trio adopted their daughter after “advertising themselves online” as a throuple looking to adopt a child, and are in the process of becoming the second three-person relationship in the US to be recognised as legal parents of a child on a birth certificate. Ben believes there are misconceptions about throuples – that they are all about sex or there is an element of jealousy – but he asserts that his relationship is “based on support, growth, love and care”. Day-to-day, the throuple spend almost every moment with each other, share the same bed and split chores and baby duties equally.
Ben said: “If I’m looking after the baby one day, while the other two are at work, they will look after the baby for the next two days. We alternate nights to be with the baby, so when she wakes up in the middle of the night, I can take care of her, the next day is Mitch, the next day is Benjamin. So we all feel like we get an equal amount of rest, we all get equal amounts of support, we all get equal time with our baby.”
Ben feels as though, as three fathers, they have more benefits day-to-day than traditional straight couples.
He said: “In traditional relationships, typically women carry most of the weight when it comes to chores in a household, from the cleaning to the cooking to taking care of the baby. In our household, we are all divided equally, Benjamin does the dishes, I cook, Mitch vacuums and does laundry – I think that’s also what’s beautiful about our dynamic – we can divide and conquer, we can get so much more accomplished without feeling exhausted.”
Subscribe here for the latest news where you live
The throuple said they have not received any negative comments about their relationship, but if anyone was to question what their daughter’s future will look like, they said: “(We would tell them) Tegan is going to love having three dads – she will always have so much love. We would let them know love is love from a mother or a father.”
Ben thinks being in a throuple is “just like being in a regular couple” apart from the fact there is one more person. But, he believes there are a lot of misconceptions about throuples, especially regarding jealousy and sex.
He said: “There’s no jealousy between Mitch, Benjamin and I, in terms of if I feel like he’s connecting with him more, or vice versa. There’s a misconception that couples are all about sex all the time – our relationship is not based on sex, our relationship is based on support, growth, love and care.”
Ben and Mitch met almost 17 years ago, in the summer of 2006, at an LGBTQ+ community building programme, and the pair instantly hit it off.
Ben said: “We connected right away – we invited each other to dinner, and then the rest is history. We saw each other every day after that.”
After being together for around three years, the couple began considering becoming a throuple.
Ben explained: “We’ve always believed that to love one person alone was unrealistic, at least the way we saw it. We both felt like we just had so much love to give and that if there were an opportunity ever to bring a third person to a relationship, we would completely be open to that.”
Before trying to find the third person, Ben and Mitch felt it was important to go through every possible challenging situation to understand each other’s boundaries.
Ben said: “We’d ask the tough questions about what would happen if, for example, Mitch had sex with the third person and I wasn’t in the room or vice versa.”
In 2018, the couple went on a gay cruise holiday and unexpectedly found their perfect match – Benjamin Mui – who was in the early stages of a relationship at the time. After meeting Ben and Mitch, Benjamin soon realised that he did not feel the same excitement for his boyfriend of three months.
So, after the cruise, he broke up with his boyfriend and started dating Ben and Mitch. At the time, Benjamin was based in Canada, so for around six months they would visit each other on weekends.
Ben said: “That’s how we kind of knew that this was going to work – we made that commitment.”
Ben and Mitch did not experience any teething issues when first bringing Benjamin into the relationship because of going through every scenario before becoming a throuple. But Ben thinks becoming a throuple allowed him to see Mitch in a different light.
He explained: “I got to learn a completely different side of Mitch, meaning he was treating Benjamin very differently than he ever treated me. Benjamin brought a completely different dynamic to the relationship – so watching Mitch just fall in love with another person from an outside perspective was fun to watch.”
In July 2019, Ben and Mitch proposed to Benjamin at San Diego Pride to “make him part of the family” and got married spiritually as a three in Hawaii in September 2019.
Ben said: “We did it among ourselves with a celebrant – we didn’t want to make a big thing out of it with friends yet, and we hadn’t told our family we were in a throuple yet.”
The wedding was unofficial, but in 2022 Benjamin and Mitch decided to legally change their last names to ‘Rolam’ – Ben’s surname. After the ceremony, Benjamin wanted to introduce his two partners to his loved ones, but he had not even told them he was gay at that point, so he had to come out and tell them he was in a throuple at the same time.
Ben explained: “They are from Hong Kong, so I think it was a little bit of a shock culturally because it’s not something that is so openly talked about in their culture. But, they were very accepting and took it surprisingly well – I know they had spoken to Benjamin’s sister, and his sister helped them understand that being gay is normal and should be accepted. When it came to the relationship, I think once they saw our dynamic and how supportive we were of one another, they didn’t have anything to say.”
When Ben told his family that he was in a throuple, they were also very accepting, but could not help but feel shocked. Mitch was the most hesitant to tell his parents because when he came out to them, they did not talk to him for around five years. But, to the throuple’s surprise, they were also very accepting.
In December 2021, the throuple hired a website developer and lawyer to advertise themselves as a throuple looking to adopt a baby, as when they were with an adoption agency, they only had three mums show interest in them in two years. The throuple began getting 30 to 40 women reaching out weekly, and by March 2022, they found Tegan, their baby daughter. Mitch, Ben and Benjamin are currently in the process of being recognised as legal parents of a child on a birth certificate – if successful, they will be the second throuple in the US to do so.
Ben said: “To know that I’m making a path for other relationships that look like mine feels good. It reminds me of the early days when I was fighting for legal rights to get married to a man or two lesbians to marry.”
Looking to the future, the throuple are hoping to have another two children through surrogacy.
