Luann, money can’t buy you class. But what is the best thing money can buy?
Freedom. To do whatever you want to do, right? Can’t buy you happiness. Can’t buy you health. And it can’t buy you class. But it can buy you freedom. Well, I guess it can buy you happiness.
[But] freedom to do what you want – like, for me, creative freedom. On the Housewives, I can’t sing whatever I want to in a cabaret show because of music rights. But on the cabaret stage, I can sing whatever I want. Did you know that?
Let’s talk about your cabaret shows. What is the most chaotic thing that has happened to you on stage?
I engage with the audience. I play games with the audience, or I do Q&As with the audience. So one night when I first started my cabaret career, I come off the stage and I’m going around the room, and I stop at a table of bachelorettes. And they’re all having a great time. I hand [one of the girls] the microphone, and as she goes to ask me a question, she projectile vomits on me. I’m, like, standing there, right? I take the mic back and go, “Somebody get this lovely lady a napkin.” It gets in my hair a little bit. Somebody comes and wipes it off. And I just keep on going.
Your first book was called Class with the Countess – something we could all do with a bit more of, especially in these times. What is one lesson you wish you’d learned earlier?
If you don’t think you’re great, nobody else will. When you know you feel great about yourself, you act classier, right? You possess an air about you that that screams class when you’re comfortable.
In your wise words: chic, c’est la vie. What is the least chic thing someone can do?
When I see somebody treating somebody else badly. Or a mother who can’t wrangle her children. If my kids are behaving badly, I’m gonna drag them out and that’s it. They’re not gonna stand there and have a tantrum. Game over! And I just feel like seeing somebody treated badly – like the kids treating their mother badly, or the mother talking to the girl at the cash register because the kids are annoying, and she treats her badly – that’s annoying.
And you know people that talk too much, who can’t read a room, right? We all know those people. And you know the obnoxious chewing of gum? Now we’re getting somewhere.
If you had to pick another reality show to do tomorrow, which one would it be?
I just thought of a show today. I think of a lot of shows – like a show called Wingman, which is that I can make the best wingman. I make a wingman for a girl, and I make a wingman for a boy. I could be your wingman.
You haven’t always been Countess Luann. What is the strangest job you’ve ever had?
My first job was doing dishes in a rest home for the elderly. That’s how I became a nurse. I worked at a pool company; I was the only girl and getting chased around the office. I was handing out flyers at one point when I was a model trying to make money. My friend had a $10 store. I’m in New York: “$10! $10! Get your things here for $10!”
What’s been your most embarrassing run-in with another celebrity?
Embarrassing? Well, I ran into Hugh Grant, but that wasn’t embarrassing. That was nice. I ran into his face by accident.
OK, OK, I got one. Mick Jagger. So I’m in David Bowie’s house in Mustique with my girlfriend who used to rent that house, and she goes, “Mick Jagger is coming for dinner.” I said, “No he’s not.”
She has a 12-person dinner party. And sure enough, Mick Jagger walks in for dinner. She seats me right next to him, and she goes, “Oh, you know Luann is a recording artist, right?” And I am, I do make my own music, but this is Mick Jagger, right? And then she puts on Chic, C’est La Vie. I was like, “Oh, shit.” I almost crawled under the table so embarrassed. And then Mick Jagger goes, “Do you want to dance?”
I think Chic was only my second song, right? I was not touring or anything like that. I was just starting to sing on [the Real Housewives of New York].
Say we’re getting the Luann biopic. Who are you casting as yourself?
Sandra Bullock. A young Sandra Bullock.
We’ve seen you have a lot of houseguests over the years. Who would be your dream housemate?
Carol Burnett. Oh, God, I could talk to her for days. I grew up watching variety shows. And, you know, I could have said Miles Teller – who is so hot – or any number of men, but if I really want to relate to somebody, I would like to get into Carol Burnett’s brain. Or Joan Rivers. I got to work with her a couple times. I love those incredible women who are storytellers and joke tellers, and who’ve had such a big life and career.
And who is one person you would never let into your house?
God, I don’t even have an answer for that. Who comes to mind?
Bethenny?
Oh you didn’t! You know … did you see what Bethenny’s been doing? She’s been running into all the Housewives in Palm Beach. Have you seen her socials?
I’m just trying to think who I really dislike. It’s terrible, I can’t think of anybody. I have an open door policy in my house.
I’m gonna be taking you up on that next summer.
Come, darling.
The Real Housewives of New York is streaming on Hayu in the UK and Australia, and on Bravo in the US
