Stephen Colbert
On Thursday’s Late Show, Stephen Colbert weighed in on sky-high tensions over Russia’s massing of troops on the border with Ukraine. “So the world’s two greatest nuclear powers are toe-to-toe in a high-stakes staring contest, but not everyone is pulling for our guy,” he said, citing a new poll which found 62% of Republicans think Putin is a “stronger leader” than Biden.
“What is wrong with you? Stop rooting for the other team!” he marveled. “Haven’t you seen Rocky IV, From Russia With Love, Air Force One, Rambo First Blood Part II, Golden Eye, The Hunt for Red October? Come on!
“I’m not sure what the Republican criterion for toughness is. It is true that Biden hasn’t murdered anyone with a cup of tea laced with polonium, a noose, point-blank shootings or by chucking them out of windows,” he continued, citing several examples of the Kremlin killing dissidents. “The only way Joe’s gonna kill you is by repeatedly telling the same story.”
Nevertheless, Republicans are “crushing hard” on Putin, Colbert concluded, pointing to a clip from Fox & Friends in which host Brian Kilmeade said, based on a poll in which six out of 10 Americans thought Biden was likable, “give us a strong leader who’s a little less likable”.
“Republican daddy issues are going to kill us all,” Colbert mused.
Trevor Noah
It’s probably not fun having people always yell “Retire, bitch!” at you. Justice Breyer finally got the hint. pic.twitter.com/Y6P2wjuBn6
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) January 27, 2022
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah reacted to news that Stephen Breyer will retire from the supreme court. “Democrats have been relentlessly pestering Breyer to step down so that they can replace him before Mitch McConnell comes back into power and makes a rule that all supreme court justices have to have been platinum QAnon members in the past,” Noah noted.
“Honestly, no one should be surprised by this news, right?” he continued. “It probably isn’t fun being hounded all day by people screaming at you to retire.
“Think about it, everywhere this guy goes, people are telling him he should be retiring. He’s probably in line at the grocery store and people are like ‘retire, bitch!’ He’s at Starbucks, the name on the cup is ‘Retire Bitch.’”
While many Democrats are relieved at the 83-year-old justice’s retirement, Noah was skeptical. “I feel like the only winner here will be Mitch McConnell,” he said. “Maybe I’m just scarred. Because even though the Republicans don’t control the Senate, don’t be shocked when Mitch still makes it happen.
“He’s just going to come out like, ‘It’s a longstanding Senate tradition that we cannot confirm a supreme court justice in a year when there’s a new season of Ozark on Netflix.’”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers decried the “fake controversy” over Biden calling the Fox News correspondent Peter Doocy a “stupid son of a bitch” on an apparent hot mic after Doocy asked a vacuous question about inflation at a White House press conference.
“Look, ideally the president would not lob insults at anyone, including reporters, but if we’re being honest, you know, it was kind of a stupid question,” said Meyers. “Does Biden think inflation is a political liability? What is he supposed to say? ‘No, I think it’s good that gas and ground beef are more expensive! I’m gonna cruise to re-election on the strength of Subway’s $6 footlong.’”
Biden later apologized to Doocy and told him over the phone that “it’s not personal, pal”.
“Which does strike me as kind of a non-apology apology,” Meyers mused. “You called him a stupid son of a bitch. If it wasn’t personal then what was it? Business?”
And just in case, “let’s just get the false equivalency out of the way,” he added. “No, this isn’t even remotely like Trump, who repeatedly whipped his crazed fans into a frenzy by hurling insults at reporters and calling them the enemy of the people.”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel recalled a time when “people from both sides of the aisle come together to say Peter Doocy is stupid”, such as the late John McCain, a GOP senator from Arizona who once replied to Doocy, “why would you say something that stupid?”
Kimmel also blasted Eric Trump, who appeared on Fox News – “the closest he can get to a Zoom with his dad” – to complain about Biden not being “present” as president. “My father sat there 24 hours a day and fought for the United States’ best interests,” he claimed.
“Well, I agree with the sat there 24 hours a day part,” Kimmel retorted, “but you forgot to mention: on the toilet, pleasuring himself to Lou Dobbs. You left the key part out!”
And he suggested Biden, who has promised to nominate a black woman to the supreme court, pick Anita Hill to replace Breyer. “How good would that be?” he said. “She marches in, sits on the bench right next to Clarence [Thomas], cracks open a can of Coke. She’s like, ‘Hey Clarence! How’s your weekend, bitch?’”
