Understanding the purpose of the teenage years
As parents today, we think the focus of these formative years needs to be about passing exams and preparing for a secure future. In reality, the teenage years are a crucial developmental period all about separating from family, bonding with their peers and forming their own identity. Exams and future plans are important in today’s world, but the teenage brain is not wired to think this way, so teenagers need parents’ understanding and the right level and type of support in order to navigate the important choices they need to make.
Insights into the teenage brain
After years of exuberance (making neural connections) during childhood, the pre-frontal cortex, which is responsible for thinking, planning, considering, organising and deciding, undergoes a significant re-wiring during adolescence. By the mid-20s, this results in mature thinking, the ability to understand and process thoughts and feelings and grapple with complex and abstract ideas, as well as much stronger impulse control. But during the teen years, the pre-frontal cortex is rather hit and miss and the limbic system – or the emotional area of the brain – becomes even stronger. That’s why teenagers have such strong feelings and emotions. And why they are so easily thrown into "fight or flight" mode.
When parents are trying to discuss exam choices, next steps and career advice, it’s very typical that the teenager reacts from their limbic system – and then the parent also has an emotional reaction. This means neither ‘hears’ the other, and both come away angry and upset. The teenager feels the parent doesn’t understand or trust them, and the parent feels the teenager doesn’t understand the real world and doesn’t trust them.
How to talk to teenagers
Teenagers are developmentally driven to share less with their parents as they try to establish their independence and become more private, so parents need to be smart about keeping the lines of communication open with their teenager. Typically, parent/teen communication is predominantly negative with more nagging, criticism and judgement than any words of approval or gratitude. The teenage brain is hyper-sensitive to parent criticism and so teenagers avoid contact with parents in an attempt to protect their fragile self-esteem.
One way to help teenagers be more open to discussion is to shift the balance of communication towards the positive. It’s not about telling them they’re amazing and everything they do is great – the teen brain dismisses this as not credible and manipulative. It’s more about parents committing to giving their teenager regular and realistic positive feedback about what they do well or better in any area of their life. It makes a huge difference to any parent/teen relationship when a teenager believes their parent sees the best parts of them and is used to hearing a decent balance of feedback. Ideally our teenagers would hear five positive comments to every negative comment we make – and our comments would be focused on any progress they make, their effort, attitude and strategies rather than just focused on achievements.
How to listen to teenagers
When teenagers share something, parents need to contain their own emotional reaction and set aside, for a moment, their advice and reassurance. The goal of the parent is not to express their opinion, yet, but to keep the conversation going. Teenagers open up when they are treated with the respect they so crave, particularly from their parents. When parents show interest in their teenagers’ thought-process, opinions and emotions and express empathy for their difficulties or worries, teenagers feel much more understood and heard. So, when a teenager says, “I’m not sure what I want to do next, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by the choices,” just acknowledge that feeling without offering any advice. “It’s tough when you start the process, it can feel overwhelming, can’t it?” Often after empathising a couple of times, you can ask a question, “Where do you think would be a good place to start in the process?” or ask if they would like to hear your advice.
Tips to nurture the parent/teenager relationship
As teenagers get older, the relationship with their parent becomes less about day-to-day instruction and more about influence and guidance as a respected and valued consultant or co-pilot. Parents can nurture this by making sure there are still plenty of opportunities to talk together, even if their teenager seems far more interested in spending time with their friends. Whether that’s offering lifts, popping up to say goodnight and having family meals together whenever possible, really make sure to prioritise this. Often doing things shoulder to shoulder, for instance in car journeys, makes it easier to have tricky conversations, and to share ideas. Parents can also show interest in their teenager’s interests so they know parents are interested in them as a whole person, not just their academic achievements.
