TODD COMPLEX
Thomas Tuchel is a Big Cup-winning manager, status one might think has currency for a club hoping to win Big Cups – but only because one is not Todd Boehly, whose epochal genius means he sees things that others cannot. So he and only he knew that the smart move was to fire the aforementioned Big Cup-winning manager. How dare that Big Cup-winning manager – any Big Cup-winning manager – refuse to accept the expertise of a chairman whose proudest footballing achievement was discovering its existence in middle-age? So Todd took charge of the situation with all the wisdom of a man going into hospital for brain surgery, then binning off the doctor to operate on himself. Or, to put it another way, exactly the kind of behaviour one might expect from a 49-year-old man with a sweepover fringe and long straggly bits at the back, who thinks that Big Cup-winning managers must bow to the flawless logic of his superior exchequer.
For his part, Tuchel – since recruited by the Big Cup-shy ignoramuses of Bayern Munich – spent part of this morning lamenting the extent to which Chelsea has changed, pining for the good ol’ days when it was owned by a Russian oligarch. The Daily is choking up!
Back at the Bridge, meanwhile, they hit upon another winning ruse, appointing a no-league winning manager but with the affable compliance that made him and ideal fit for Todd. Except, in an incredible turn-up for the books, their brave new world of vulgar spending with no overarching strategy turned out to be rubbish, so poor Graham Potter was let go, with his metrosexual roll-neck still bobble-free and his that-there-London beard still getting acquainted with its host face.
So there’s sure to be an interesting atmosphere at Stamford Bridge, where Chelsea – who sit 11th in the table – entertain Liverpool, scaling the lofty heights of eighth. It may be that, after dominating the league by winning one consecutive title, Jürgen Klopp’s all-time great side are sated by success and are impervious to cheesy rabble-rousing and performative passion. Or it may be that bussing all the money in the world on 74 strikers might not have been the smartest tactic.
Particular criticism has also been directed at their right-back, who ascended to status of the megastars by becoming known by his first name alone. Problem being, Prince, Madonna and Beyoncé all have better defensive nous and more recovery pace than Trent while, to his left, his friend Virgil is less Aeneid, more A&E.
All of which means we’re set for a fascinating battle, like two giants fighting over a babygrow. Though it’ll have to go some to beat Monday’s game, in which Abdoulaye Doucouré shoved Harry Kane, and the England captain went down, poleaxed, like he’d just blasted a late penalty over the bar in a World Cup quarter-final. How he must wish he’d had Todd on-hand, advising him to place it.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I am obviously disappointed to depart so close to the end of the season and had every confidence that we would have delivered the results needed to preserve the club’s Premier League status” – Brendan Rodgers looks into his crystal ball and decides that despite one point from the last six league games (and a home defeat to Blackburn in the FA Cup) he was definitely the man to keep Leicester up.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
“I remember once reading a great article in Big Paper by Jonathan Wilson on why great teams come to an end, written back in the day when you could make a passing reference to the Dutch philosopher Baruch Spinoza in a football piece without needing to explain who he was. Interestingly, he talks about Pep’s Barcelona (Wilson that is, not Spinoza) and says that the more time went on, fear of eventual failure drove them to constantly change things but everything they did to avoid failure merely brought the inevitable demise. It strikes me that this is Spurs all over – they just skipped the whole winning 14 trophies in four years part” – Noble Francis.
“If Thomas Frank gets poached by another club, I hope he takes his head of football operations, Lorna Falconer, with him. Just so Football Daily can remind us of R.D. Blackmore’s famous novel by telling us that Brentford said: ‘Lorna, Do One’” – Simon Mazier.
“Re: Monday’s News, Bits and Bobs. Mexico is not part of Central America, it is in North America” – Keith Whitmee (and 1,056 other pedants).
“Why do you publish so many letters by complete smart ar$es?” – Jack King.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Simon Mazier.
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