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Singer Chappell Roan is opening up about her previous mental health struggled and why it was so difficult for her to receive the help she needed while living in the Midwest.
In a new interview with The Guardian, Roan said that growing up in Missouri and in a very religious culture kept her from feeling like she could be her authentic self.
"I was so desperate to feel understood. I pushed down the gay part of myself so deep because I was like, that can’t possibly be me," Roan told the publication at the time, adding that she felt "very, very lonely."
"When I was growing up, it was like, ‘Gay means flamboyant, gay man’ and lesbian means, ‘Butch girl who looks masculine’. There was not an array of queerness," she continued. "And I was very mentally ill—suicidal for years—and not medicated, because that’s just not a part of midwest culture. It’s not: ‘Maybe we should get you a psychiatrist.’ It’s: ‘You need God. You need to pray about that.’"
Now, as a 26-year-old bonafide superstar and new "it" girl of the music industry, Roan said she now obtains frequent mental health care, especially as she navigates the often harsh realities of fame.
"I’m in therapy twice a week. I went to a psychiatrist last week because I was like, I don’t know what’s going on," she told the publication. "She diagnosed me with severe depression—which I didn’t think I had because I’m not actually sad. But I have every symptom of someone who’s severely depressed."
The singer went on to explain that her "whole life is changed" now that she is famous, adding that "everything that I really love to do now comes with baggage" which adds to the strain her success has put on her mental health.
"If I want to go thrifting, I have to book security and prepare myself that this is not going to be normal," Roan explained. "Going to the park, pilates, yoga—how do I do this in a safe way where I’m not going to be stalked or harassed?"
In a recent interview with The Face, the singer admitted that she hopes she doesn't actually win a Grammy, arguably the most prestigious award in music.
"My mom would love to go to the Grammys or the Brits," Roan explained. "I’m kind of hoping I don’t win, because then everyone will get off my a**: 'See guys, we did it and we didn’t win, bye!' I won’t have to do this again!"
In the same interview, Roan explained that she is determined to ensure that her career is "sustainable."
"I feel ambitious about making this sustainable," she explained. "That’s my biggest goal right now. My brain is like: quit right now, take next year off. This industry and artistry f***ing thrive on mental illness, burnout, overworking yourself, overextending yourself, not sleeping. You get bigger the more unhealthy you are. Isn’t that so f***ed up?
"The ambition is: how do I not hate myself, my job, my life, and do this?" she added. "Because right now, it’s not working. I’m just scrambling to try to feel healthy."
