After making Monday night’s Scottish Cup semi-final draw – which paired Celtic with Rangers – I hope big Colin Hendry knows he has received his last ever Christmas card from my auld pal Hugh Keevins.
As he wrote in the Sunday Mail last weekend, my fellow columnist was desperate for a “showpiece” Old Firm final to help celebrate the Scottish Football Association’s 150th anniversary. (Well, just think of the family atmosphere and all those lovely songs…)
Lo and behold, fans of the “wee diddy clubs” left in the competition were up in arms. So was I. But, while blood pressure was at boiling point in Kirkcaldy, Inverness, Falkirk and Ayr, I was cool as a cucumber. (Do you know why cucumbers have that plastic film on them? So you can eat them afterwards…)
Listen, guys, I’m old enough and I’ve known and admired Shug long enough to appreciate that he’s a masterful troll. One of the original and best! Whether he’s broadcasting on Radio Clyde (did you know that Hugh’s first caller on Super Scoreboard was Alexander Graham Bell?) or writing for the Sunday Mail, you would be forgiven for thinking the crafty old sod is Chris Sutton’s great-grandfather.
Needless to say, I’ve been asked this week by a lot of Inverness CT and Falkirk fans (they go head-to-head in the other semi) if my pal Shug is OK. And I can assure you their concern has hee-haw to do with the recent cold snap…
He’s absolutely fine, thanks. And League One side Falkirk appear to be in pretty good shape, too. Four of my pals are Bairns diehards (hello to Bruce, Big Gordy, Gus and Paul) and they reckon their name is on the cup after being drawn against Wick Academy, Alloa Athletic, Darvel, Ayr Utd and now ICT.
If that lucky run continues, I can only imagine they’ll play Rangers in the final… (Hey, Shug, this trolling is easier than it looks!) Seriously, though, Celtic AND Rangers are absolutely miles ahead of every other club in Scotland and Craig Levein says he would happily organise the transport if the Old Firm left for England.
Sounds great. But think of the tailbacks on the M74 as the fleet of cars set out in a 4-6-0 formation… On Twitter this week, one punter said: “I think there should be a competition where neither of the Old Firm can compete.” They already have one. It’s called the Champions League.
Talking of the big guns – let’s turn to Motherwell. I’ve had nothing but sympathy for club legend Stevie Hammell since he was sacked as manager… but now I wish they had done it sooner. Why? Because I know for a fact that, on Tuesday night, he went to see Westlife. How embarrassing!!!
Stevie was caught on camera when an old pal of mine – Big Coyney – grabbed another ’Well legend, James McFadden, for a selfie. I can’t slag Faddy, of course, as he’s doing a show with me at Blackfriars pub in Glasgow on Tuesday, April 25, and I’m scared he’ll pull out. (How’s that for an effortless plug!)
But Hammy’s fair game. So I now present a small selection of the former Motherwell gaffer’s favourite Westlife songs…
● I’m (Not) Flying Without Wingers.
● Seasons In The Sun (day league the way we were going).
● I Have A Dream (of staying up).
● The Rose (of empty seats with 20 minutes still to go).
I now have a hunch why it didn’t work out for the Westlife fan at Fir Park - it’s ’cos of those seats in the dug-out. I bet Stevie would have preferred stools…
PS. Staying with sport, I’m writing this week’s column with a bookie’s pen and I’ll tell you why… this is Cheltenham Festival week and, after getting rooked on Tuesday and Wednesday, I sold my laptop on eBay.
I’ve lost an absolute fortune but who cares? The extensive coverage of Cheltenham on ITV means that Loose Women has been off our screens all week, so I guess you have to take the rough with the smooth.
This Morning had a studio guest, theoretical physicist Ronald Mallet, who says we CAN travel back in time. (It’s true – I saw it next week.) Bet I know what Holly and Phil were both thinking. “Could you take us back to the morning of the Queen’s funeral…?”
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