Get the Champions League draw bingo cards out for tonight as the great and the good – and the greedy – of Europe get together to get the balls out in Istanbul tonight. There will plenty of stuff to cross off as we go along. There will be some glamorous female presenter with a painted on smile and the kind of vacant captive to look like she should be blinking out an SOS.
There will be an assortment of legends of various ages doing the tombola routine, completely meaningless phrases like ‘football family’ and ‘football as a force for good’, and the whole thing will go on longer than a Boris Johnson holiday. There will also be a ton of people rolling out the old line about the Group of Death.
Ah, the Group of Death. Legend has it, this was a term first phrased by a Mexican journalist at the World Cup in 1970 when defending champs England were drawn with Brazil, Czechoslovakia and Romania. Back then it was because the section was more of a Mexican stand-off, as it meant all four teams had a chance to qualify.
It’s just in this country we use the saying differently – it generally means any group our sides are involved in. Think about it. The national team is always drawn in the Group of Death. Aye, that’s because all the sides tend to be ranked higher than us.
It’s the same in the Champions League. When you’re in pot four there’s not really any such thing as good group. They are all riddled with danger. Especially these days with the Champions League so weighted in favour of the super clubs, they might as well stick rocks in the pockets of the rest of the players.
Celtic, and now Rangers, fans will have been studying the pots and came to the conclusion they might need to sit on one during the draw or they’ll risk wrecking the couch. The Scottish duo are pretty much certain of being handed a section that will send shivers up spines.
It just depends on how they want to view it. A chance to take on some of the big boys? Real Madrid and Liverpool in the same section, with Inter Milan around as well. It might have the potential to get messy but at least it’s a bit of glamour.
That’s the tourist approach though. Picking out the nice trips or the ones that cast up misty eyed memories of a bygone age.
And then turn in to horror shows in the present day. Celtic and Rangers should be hoping to steer well clear of these guys. There’s about one team in every pot that might provide a glimmer of hope. Even then, it could still be an oncoming train.
Both sets of fans should want Eintracht Frankfurt from the top seeds. Celtic supporters can thank the Germans for stopping Rangers having bragging rights for a generation and even as Europa League winners, they still look the weakest in that section.
After that? Avoid the English clubs at all costs. A Battle of Britain isn’t much of a fight when Glasgow's big two would be taking their Championship wage bill up against clubs who have the might of entire countries behind them. No ta. Same with the Spaniards. Barcelona might be toiling but it’s still Barcelona, and Celtic fans are sick of the sight of them anyway.
The German clubs might be the ones to get this year – apart from Bayern Munich as usual – and even the Italian teams aren’t quite what they used to be. Although for AC Milan, see Barcelona in terms of familiarity breeding contempt, for the Parkhead faithful, at least.
What does it leave in the bowls? Not much, to be honest. But punters should forget about going for glamour and pray for the pots to provide a section with the possibility of finishing third and getting Europa League in the bag for after Christmas.
They all know the Group of Death tag will be getting scored off the bingo card though and at least they can look forward to some full houses at Celtic Park and Ibrox.
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