Burnham’s booze ruse is a non-starter: just keep doing your drinking in the pub

‘Of all the many problems facing Britain, insufficient access to alcohol doesn’t seem like a hot-button issue’ Illustration: David Lyttleton

Hi, I’m Andy Burnham and I don’t believe any child should eat gravel for breakfast. That’s why we’ve launched the National No Gravel Breakfast initiative. Hi, I’m Andy Burnham and I think everyone should have access to sitting on a chair no matter if they live in the north or the chair-rich south. Hi, I’m Andy Burnham and I don’t think pensioners should be required to stab themselves in the hand with cocktail sticks. Unless that’s what they want. In which case I will personally do this for them.

Hi, I’m Andy Burnham and I believe in a mother’s love, the laughter of baby horses and beautifully crisp and gooey churros straight from the pan. Unless you don’t want those. In which case I believe you have that choice and I will fight for it. Or not fight for it. Whichever.