Archaeologists over in the U of K believe they’ve found a 2000-year-old Roman dildo, which is a sentence I didn’t think I’d be writing today, but has nonetheless filled me with tremendous joy.
Never have I been prouder of my Italian ancestry. Sure, mortadella slaps but this? This is a whole different kettle of anchovies.
Per the Guardian, archaeologists first found the cocky-shaped object at the Roman fort of Vindolanda in Northumberland back in 1992.
They thought it was a darning tool, which is essentially a thingymajig made of a hard material that you use to stretch and secure fabric when repairing holes or worn areas. At least this is what I can gather from Google — if I’ve angered any sewing stans, please accept my heartfelt apologies.
But alas, the woody-shaped hunk of wood has been reassessed by researchers at Newcastle University and University College Dublin and they do not think it was a darning tool.
“I have to confess … part of me thinks it’s kind of self-evident that it’s a penis,” Newcastle University archaeology senior lecturer Rob Collins
when i get my hands on the roman dildo its over for you people
said.
“I don’t know who entered it into the catalogue. Maybe it was somebody uncomfortable with it or didn’t think the Romans would do such silly things.”
I mean — ancient Roman art and literature has shown that , and were also fucking and sucking each other to no end.
And according to historian , artwork found among the ruins of Pompeii depicted folks going hog wild with dildos and strap-ons. The Romans were rooters from way back, I tell you.
Bonking aside, the dick was also displayed as an example of the — a magic amulet which was thought to ward off evil spirits. TBH cockies have only ever brought bad juju into my life so go figure.
Alas, the point I’m trying to make is that the ancient Romans were no strangers to bumping uglies. They had that shit on lock. The archaeologists who thought the wooden schlong was some sort of sewing tool had to get with the dang program.
The Vindolanda dick (which has a stunning ring to it, if I may say so myself) currently clocks in at 16cm but researchers reckon it used to be girthier and has shrunk over time. Shrinkage aside, that’s still a bloody solid pecker. Call the Romans Vesuvius ‘cos they would’ve been erupting all over each other with that bad boy, am I right?
“What makes this a first is that it is not a small, miniature phallus. It’s life-size,” Collins said.
“Often in archaeology when we find an object we can tell what it was used for or deduce what it was used for. That wasn’t the case for this object. We have had to cast our nets wide in thinking what would a six-and-a-half-inch wooden carving of a phallus be used for.”
One idea is that it ’twas indeed a Roman dildo, but not a fun one.
“Sometimes they [dildos] weren’t always used for pleasure … they can be implements of torture so I’m very conscious of using the term sex toy,” Collins said.
“Hopefully that is what it was used for. That is the most exciting and intriguing possibility.
“If that is the case it would be, to our knowledge, the first Roman dildo that’s been encountered from archaeology. We know from Greek and Roman poetry and Green and Roman art that they used dildos. But we haven’t had any archaeological examples found, which is intriguing in itself.”
Another option is that it was an extremely dick-shaped pestle and was used to grind ingredients and food, or it actually fit into a big ol’ statue and folks would give it a rub for good luck.
I’m choosing to ignore those two theories though and instead believe that it was, in fact, a Roman dildo used for mazzing and rooting.
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