At last we’re seeing the glorious advantages of Brexit.
We were promised we would “take back control” if we left the EU, and that’s exactly what has happened.
I was terrified that we were losing control of the amount of tomatoes and spring onions in the country, and now we can count them easily as there are only five or six.
This is wonderful, as there are shortages of salads and fresh fruit across the country and I hate salad so I would like to personally thank Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, because I can’t stand even looking at lettuce.
And we were losing our traditions under the EU. For example, there has been war of some sort between Britain and Ireland for 800 years.
It’s as much part of our heritage as scones and moaning about the drizzle. In recent years we’ve lost all this.
But since we’re no longer in the European Union, everyone in Ireland is screaming and fuming at each other again.
No one knows where the border should be, which is what caused the conflicts before, so we’ve been able to go back to our old custom of wondering when the fighting could start again.
It’s so reassuring and on top of that we’ve got our wonderful dark blue passports back.
Also, recently I came back from France on the Eurostar. I was playing a game on my iPhone, in which I had to destroy the evil forces of Demon World.
In the old days, I’d have had to stop the game and show my passport, possibly losing crucial points.
But thanks to the selfless work of people such as Priti Patel and Dominic Cummings, I had to wait an hour-and-a-half in a queue, and I was able to keep playing without being distracted by having to move forward at all.
One issue the Leave Campaign spoke about was the number of regulations that businesses had to deal with as members of the European Union.
They would regularly hold up forms and say: “This is what we have to comply with.”
But this was nowhere near enough. Now, instead of wasting time moving goods in and out of the country, businesses can spend their time more productively filling out a 800-page form explaining which of 34 different customs arrangements apply to the box of pickled onions they’re trying to import.
While we were in the EU, we were restricted from being able to behave as we wanted.
For example, one of the most bizarre regulations we were forced to abide by was our water companies had to pump sewage into sewage plants.
Now they’re free to pour it into the sea where it belongs.
And we’ve taken back control of our borders. Not only have we taken it back, but in a few years we’ll have extended our borders by adding 20 miles of sewage to our coastline where before there was only a useless lump of sea.
It’s all going very well indeed.
