Boris Johnson's bombshell Partygate defence dossier has been published - with a string of bizarre excuses about he couldn't possibly be to blame for misleading MPs.
The ex-Prime Minister admitted that his claims that no Covid rules were broken at lockdown bashes may have "misled" Parliament, when evidence shows he was at gatherings where police handed out fines for rule-breaking.
But he insisted there is "no evidence at all that supports an allegation that I intentionally or recklessly misled the House", as he scrambles to save his political career.
In a 52-page dossier, Mr Johnson tried to shift blame onto his aides, accused the media of "weaponising" pictures of him drinking and joking with colleagues, and moaned that no one sang him Happy Birthday at a surprise do he received a police fine for.
The defence was published ahead of his highly-anticipated showdown with the Commons Privileges Committee tomorrow, as part of its probe into whether he lied to MPs about Partygate.
Here are the key excuses from the slippery ex-PM on why he couldn't possible be at fault.
'Cramped' Downing Street made social distancing difficult
Mr Johnson pointed to the layout of No10 as a key excuse for the fact that social distancing may not have been observed.
Workplaces were supposed to adhere to keeping staff 2m apart until June 2020, when the rules changed to allow for 2m or 1m with mitigations such as screens.
Mr Johnson said: “No10 is an old, cramped London townhouse, with many bottlenecks, and many small rooms. It is not a modern working environment.
"In accordance with the Guidance, a balance had to be struck between the essential work we were doing and minimising the risk of transmission.
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"Although we did our best to give each other as wide a berth as possible, there were times when people inevitably came closer to each other."
He said people "did their best to socially distance" but due to the circumstances "and the nature of the building (which has lots of small rooms and narrow corridors), that full social distancing was not always possible".
No10 staff were working hard, so what if there was wine?
Press officers were “debriefing” the week’s news in booze-fuelled bashes in No10 but they were working really hard, according to Mr Johnson’s defence.
“They were consistently working late during the Covid-19 pandemic and regularly would meet on Friday evenings to discuss and debrief the events of the week, where wine would be available,” he wrote.
The former PM said “there was always a large team working from No10” during lockdowns, adding: “This team was working together at all hours of the day and night: sometimes up to 18 hours per day.
"We were working tirelessly, to manage the Government’s response to the Covid-19 pandemic.”
Of the Christmas party where drinks were downed and a Secret Santa took place, he added: “Drinking wine or exchanging gifts at work and whilst working did not, in my view, turn an otherwise lawful workplace gathering into an unlawful one.”
Events must have “escalated” after I left
Four times Mr Johnson insists parties which he attended looked fine while he was there but must have “escalated” later.
“I did not know that any of these events later escalated beyond what was lawful after I left,” he wrote.
For the November 13, 2020 bash, he claimed: “If others did receive a fixed penalty notice in relation to this event, I can only assume that it related to conduct after my departure, and that the event escalated into something different in nature to what I had seen.”
For the January 14, 2021 event, he said: “I can only assume that it related to conduct after my departure, and that the event escalated into something different in nature to what I had seen.”
These claims will be central to Mr Johnson’s insistence that he believed that, while present, the parties were within the rules.
It was my birthday but no-one ate cake or sang
Much of Mr Johnson’s defence rests on the fact the police only fined him for one rule-breaking bash: his surprise birthday party on June 19, 2020.
But in his dossier he insists that no-one even ate the cake that his wife Carrie reportedly brought.
“I was in the Cabinet Room for a work meeting and was joined by a small gathering of people, all of whom lived or were working in the building,” he said.
“We had a sandwich lunch together and they wished me Happy Birthday. I was not told in advance that this would happen.
"No cake was eaten, and no-one even sang ‘happy birthday’. The primary topic of conversation was the response to Covid-19.”
Mr Johnson also stressed that others who were there were not fined for attending.
I had to boost staff morale after I nearly died from Covid-19
Mr Johnson claims he wanted to make No10 officials feel better after he was hospitalised with coronavirus, including spending time in intensive care.
On May 20, 2020, before his weekly phone appointment with the Queen, he attended a cheese and wine bash in the No10 garden.
According to him, it was “essential for work purposes”.
“I understood this to be a socially distanced outdoor meeting to boost staff morale and team working after what had been a very difficult period (I had only recently been in hospital with Covid-19),” he said.
“In my view, an opportunity to thank staff and boost morale was essential for work purposes.”
He added: “I was aware of there being food and drink at the gathering, but I did not consider that this was incompatible with the Rules or Guidance”.
It’s still a mystery why I was fined
Mr Johnson, who wrote the lockdown rules and guidance which everyone else was forced to follow - and lectured the public nightly on television - seems to rely on not knowing what they meant.
He was given a fixed penalty notice for the Cabinet Room gathering on his 56th birthday - but claims officers have never told him why.
“I have never been provided with any rationale by the police, in particular how some individuals that attended did not receive a fixed penalty notice,” he fumed.
“It never occurred to me then or at any time prior to the police issuing the fixed penalty notice, that the event on 19 June 2020 was not in compliance with the Rules or the Guidance.
"Nor do I consider it reasonable to conclude that I should have known it at the time.”
Don’t forget Rishi was fined too
Resentful Mr Johnson goes out of his way to highlight how Rishi Sunak was also fined for his attendance at the infamous birthday party in the Cabinet Room.
Mr Johnson’s critics will suspect that is aimed at undermining the current Prime Minister.
“There is one event for which the current Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak MP, and I were given fixed penalty notices by the Metropolitan Police: the event on 19 June 2020,” he said.
“I have accepted the conclusion of the police that my participation in the gathering in the Cabinet Room on my birthday, which I knew nothing about in advance, was unlawful.
"However, to this day it remains unclear to me – and I believe the Prime Minister may feel the same – how precisely we committed an offence under the Regulations.”
Dominic Cummings can't be trusted
Mr Johnson took aim at “the assertions of the discredited Dominic Cummings”, his former aide turned nemesis, who claimed he warned Mr Johnson the May 20, 2020 bash would break rules.
The ex-PM wrote: “It is no secret that Dominic Cummings bears an animus towards me, having publicly stated on multiple occasions that he wanted to do everything that he could to remove me ‘from power’.
"He cannot be treated as a credible witness.
"It is not clear what, if any, work the Committee has done to test the credibility of what is now said by Dominic Cummings, including his animosity towards me.”
