Bonnie Ryan admitted she had an ‘overwhelming irrational fear’ of losing her mother Morah after the sudden death of father Gerry Ryan.
The influencer was just 17-years-old when the legendary RTE 2fm broadcaster passed away suddenly, aged 53, in 2010.
The well known beauty guru said she has been ‘guarded’ about talking about her loss in the past but has recently decided to open up about her grief in the hopes of helping others going through a similar situation.
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In an open conversation with her social media followers online, she discussed the worry she felt for her mother after her father’s passing and how she has learned to go on and enjoy her life since despite the heartbreak.
In a response to a follower who wrote in to say they were suffering with the fear of losing their second parent too, Bonnie said: “Yes to this. I had an overwhelming irrational fear about this.
"When my dad died I wanted to wrap my mom in clingfilm and bubble wrap and leave her in a corner and say, 'You just can't move from here'.
"The fear will eventually go. I think it's normal to be scared after you've lost one parent."
The newlywed, who recently married her longtime love John in Italy this summer, told how she tries to include her father in all of her big milestone moments rather than allowing the sadness that he is not there to take over.
She explained: "I think for me anyway, I get it, it's very daunting and all your firsts are very daunting as well.
"But I think I actually have made better life decisions because I want to make him proud. I think with your wedding day, I just really drilled it into my head that this wedding day, one, there's no way my dad's missing it so that's fine.
"He's not missing my wedding day. I know he's going to see me get married. And two, I just kept reminding myself that this day is about me and John, my best friend, love of my life and we're getting married.
"This is going to be the best day ever and nothing can get in the way of that."
It's been 12 years since her father's death, and Bonnie said she went through a range of emotions in that time including guilt and confusion about how she should be feeling.
“When I was younger or having thoughts about this stuff, I’d be thinking am I crazy for thinking this, or am I a terrible person because today I went over to my friend's house and we went on a night out and I was dancing and had the best time of my life. Am I an awful person for that?'
"And by the way no. If you can go and smile and laugh, that is the best thing ever. And that's all the person who has passed away would want is for you to be happy.
“So I think it is good to have conversations about this and have it normal so it is not awkward.”
The conversation came after fans praised her for speaking on ‘The Good Glow’ podcast with Georgie Crawford, where she admitted it “does and doesn’t” get easier to deal with the grief.
The well known online personality, who is one of Gerry's five children, added that one thing that has helped their family heal over the years has been making sure to talk to eachother openly and remember their dad daily.
She said: "I think because my family and I have become so good at being so open around each other with talking about my dad that it's just part of our everyday conversation to bring him up.
"He's brought up in the good situations. I think it's about trying to become really comfortable with bringing them up in conversation.
"So when you bring them up it's not like, ‘Oh god we don't talk about it that much and now I'm really upset'.
"It's more just natural."
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