Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
Liquid Death is officially a thing. A water brand that took a simple concept — cans and aggression — and turned it into a business worth, at last estimation, $700 million.
It’s also a very stupid thing. In order to stand out from a sea of pamplemousses and seltzers that taste like nothing (La Croix. It’s always La Croix), founder Mike Cessario gave his water “the dumbest name.” His quote. Yeah, the dude gets it. He also probably thinks it’s less dumb now because, well, $700 million.
This, of course, has created an opportunity for brand extensions. The company that gave us flavors like “Berry it Alive” (… uh), “Severed Lime” (not a thing) and “Mango Chainsaw” (extremely not a thing) is now back with “Grim Leafer” and (biiiiig sigh) … “Armless Palmer.”
Yep, Liquid Death is making iced tea now.
The new sweetened teas clock in at 30 calories and 30 milligrams of caffeine across three flavors — the two mentioned above as well as a peach tea called … “Rest in Peach” (fine whatever it’s better than most of these stupid names). They also carry the brand’s beer-inspired packaging forward. Instead of 16-ounce pounders these come in 19.2-ounce stovepipe cans that have been a trend in macrobreweries trying to look like microbreweries over the past decade.
Grim Leafer: A-
The sweetness is soft and well-balanced. The floral quality of the agave does make a minor appearance, but it works well against the tea itself. That tea is clean and crisp and each sip ends without the lingering, syrup-y aftertaste endemic in many canned teas.
So yeah, like Liquid Death’s flavored waters this is another quality product wrapped up in a very stupid, but undoubtedly unique design. I can safely say it’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted that promises to “murder [my] thirst and turn its insides into balloon animals to book gigs at children’s birthday parties.” So far, at least.
Rest in Peach: B-
The peach flavor is evident right off the pour, and that holds true in the first sip. The peach is unmistakable and it pairs with the agave to create a light acidic tang that follows each gulp. The tea itself takes a backseat, which is kind of a bummer. The balance isn’t right, which makes this an OK drink but a lacking iced tea.
Still, it’s refreshing enough. I drank mine at 3 p.m. on a Sunday after dad duty and a couple hours of cleaning out my car and the light touch of caffeine was useful while not being enough to keep me up later. Rest in Peach is mostly fine, it just happens to take away from what was a pretty good tea base in the first place.
Armless Palmer: B
Well, this one smells like lemon tea and it’s also the one I have the highest hopes for, despite the wonderfully stupid label. Right away you get that lemon juice up front — and as someone who’s been making entirely too much powdered mix iced tea/lemonade combos, this tastes much more legit.
But it’s still kinda lacking. Good, not great. I might be asking too much for a canned low-calorie drink, but I was hoping for a little more sweetness up front. There’s just something missing that leaves the regular tea standing alone as the top option. Still, it’s a solid drink that comes in a bigger can than most and delivers fewer calories and less caffeine. Once again Liquid Death is carving out its own, poorly named niche. And once again it works.
