Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
Look, this feature used to be called “Beer of the Week.” Then liquors and sodas started showing up and it became “Beverage of the Week.” We’re already playing kind of fast and loose with the rules, so if I want to review a whole brand of snacks, I’m gonna.
So rather than rename this “Thing of the Week” I’m just gonna bend the definition of beverage and claim it a St. Patrick’s Day and/or March Madness religious allowance. We’ve all gotta eat something to power through 14 hours of basketball right? Why not opt for the protein-dense, “athlete-worthy nutrition” of Quest’s Protein Chips and related sundries?
It’s a little weird to see “nutrition” slapped on a bag of Cheez-It-adjacent crackers or peanut butter cups, but the label suggests there’s value beyond the quick satiation and immediate shame of destroying an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. There’s 10 grams of protein in a serving of their cheese crackers, eight in the peanut butter cups and an impressive 18 to 20 (against 140 to 150 calories) in the brand’s tortilla chip lines. If nothing else, these snacks should do an efficient job filling you up.
I am, full disclosure, a moderate protein guy. I’ve been turning to it more as I get older, mostly because my workouts suck now and aging is like being trapped in the later seasons of a beloved show and being forced to watch the superior early episodes every time you go to the gym. I am Nelly, sadly shuffling through burpees and watching Prison Mike elucidate the dangers around him.
Mostly that involves dropping a scoop of protein powder into my morning coffee. I understand that’s probably not how you’re meant to do either beverage but it gives me caffeine and tastes like birthday cake so you cannot convince me it’s wrong. Anyway, that’s given me awareness of Quest — though I know them primarily from their protein bars, which I don’t really eat — but not the snacks they so graciously shipped my way for review.
So hey, let’s see how they taste and if they can get you through the NCAA tournament.
Cheddar Blast Cheese Crackers: B
The first bite tastes like a proper Cheez-It replacement. The difference comes in the density. Where Cheez-Its have little pockets of air between layers that make them easier to split between your teeth — like a saltine — Quest’s crackers are denser. The layers are more compressed, which you might not notice unless you’re a weirdo like me who cracks his cheese crackers in two, then splits them vertically between his jaws.
This density isn’t a problem. This hits all the notes of crispy cheese you’d expect from the Cheez-It -adjacent snack universe. This isn’t a formula you can really improve on. Instead, Quest plays the hits and does it well.
Loaded Taco tortilla style protein chips: A-
I’m a big fan, even if the whey used for the protein — a whopping 19 grams in a 140 calorie package — is very apparent in that cheesy taste. For a baked chip there’s a strong crispy texture that really feels like the fried predecessors that came before it.
It’s a good, crushable chip that lacks the texture problem the cheese crackers had. Again, I’m happy these are pre-portioned, since I would be extremely liable to blast through half a family sized bag around 4pm most days.
Chili lime tortilla style protein chips: B-
The whey remains in play, and while it made sense with the cheese of a taco it’s less welcome here. The chips get better toward the end of the bag where the spice dusting has settled, which suggests the mix itself is pretty good, just not strong enough — the best part was tilting the bag upward and sliding the remaining crumbs into my mouth.
So yeah, my complaints aren’t enough to keep me from polishing off the whole bag, of course, But they *are* enough to ensure Chili Lime lingers in my cupboard long after the Loaded Taco bags are gone. It’s not bad, it’s just not great.
Nacho cheese tortilla style protein chips: B
But the lightness of the flavor up front gives way to an aftertaste that leans too hard toward that whey. It’s just a little bit off — where a Dorito leaves you wanting more, the salt and spice fade here and you’re left with the unmistakable impression this is a protein chip. It’s a little like sour milk, though that’s extreme. It doesn’t ruin the chip, it just makes it a little harder to like.
That said, it’s very good up front and still a light, easy snack, especially given the amount of protein (18 grams!) involved. I fired this up around my normal lunchtime and got through to dinner without any significant food cravings, so there’s value in how it fills you up despite the low calorie count.
Peanut butter cups: A-
But as an alternative, they’re pretty damn good. The chocolate, despite being a low-sugar option, is creamy and rich. The peanut butter lacks the sweetness of a Reese’s, but is smoother and less granulated than you’d get in a standard cup. And Quest does away with a second cup wrapper under the foil, which always felt excessive — a last result to peel chocolate from the cup itself and leave you licking the wax paper like an animal.
Just me on that last one? OK, just me.
The chocolate is a little harder to bite into than the alternative, but quickly melts away into a sweet slurry of goodness. The peanut butter is easy to separate from its shell, which is helpful if you disassemble your sweets like a child as I tend to do (KitKats and Twix are especially good for this). Either way, I’m happy with the result. It’s obviously not health food, but it’s a bag of peanut butter cups I can demolish in the middle of a stressful day and not feel completely awful about.
All in all, Quest’s snacks are very good. The question is whether they’re worth the money, as a single-serving bag of protein-blasted snacks will run you about $2-3 each round. That said, while you can tell there’s extra protein involved it isn’t a negative on your tongue. These are mostly solid chips, no matter how you look at it.
Are they $40/pound good? That’s probably too rich for my blood, but I can justify a post-workout splurge every now and then.
