It is safe to say that, when it comes to dating and relationships, I’ve never had an easy ride. I’ve always been the one who cares more, the one who is “too intense” and the one who winds up getting hurt. I wear my heart on my sleeve and, as a relatively newly diagnosed autistic woman with ADHD, there are two words that have followed me around and haunted me throughout my entire life: “too much”.
Until recently, being “too much” was a source of great shame. I spent my teenage years and early 20s trying to navigate dating and relationships while missing a key piece of information about myself – that I was an autistic ADHDer. I didn’t know that I was prone to feeling things much more deeply than most people, or that masking made me a chronic people pleaser. I didn’t know that I had a social disability, or that my dopamine-seeking brain might look for stimulation from problematic places (or people). I thought that my too much-ness was just a result of being unlovable, broken or a “bad dater”.
I often speak about my late diagnosis as a “lightbulb moment” – up until that point, I’d spent my entire life stumbling around in a dark room, walking into walls and knocking things over. Then one day someone turned on the light and allowed me to see what had been going on. Don’t get me wrong – that doesn’t mean that the room was tidy or straightforward to deal with once the light was on. There was a huge pile of mess that I’d never known was there that needed to be worked through, but at least I could start the process.
This analogy stands strong with dating and relationships in particular – by no means has my love life become infinitely easier or more straightforward since my diagnosis, but I am at least aware of the challenges I might face, the tendencies I have, and the type of qualities I might want to look for in a person.
I sadly cannot give you a handbook on how to have an excellent love life as an autistic person or an ADHDer, but I can share a few pointers which have been helpful for me.
1. Get active
Don’t worry – I am not about to recommend that you head to an aerobics class for your first date. However, I think “activity dates” (such as bowling, mini golf, or even a walk in the park) are a great place to start. You don’t have to worry about whether you’re making enough eye contact with your date (you’re either side by side while walking or looking in the direction of the activity you’re doing), and you will always have something to talk about, rather than be left scrambling to make small talk about the weather.
2. Put together a toolkit of topics
As an autistic person, I spend my whole life scripting out imaginary conversations to prepare for every possible scenario – this can actually be helpful when it comes to avoiding awkward silences on dates. You might find it helpful to go armed with three conversation topics so you can avoid small talk (if you want to) and always have something that you feel comfortable speaking about to fall back on. This is also helpful to bear in mind when writing prompts on dating apps – answer them in a way that will make people more likely to message you about something you would like to talk about.
3. Communicate your needs
You might feel nervous about communicating what you need from somebody, but it’s likely that, if someone hasn’t dated an autistic/ADHD person before, they simply don’t know what it is that you need – whether that be clearer communication, more space for decompression, or to avoid noisy or busy places. Don’t be afraid to ask for it.
4. Do YOU like them?
As someone who has possibly faced social difficulties, it is likely that your first thought when dating someone is, “do they like me?”. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria makes us want to avoid rejection at all costs – even if we don’t like them in the first place. After a first date, check in and ask yourself to list five things you liked about them.
5. Deepen your dating pool
A big part of masking is mimicking the people around us; for me, this even meant that if all my friends thought someone was hot, I must be attracted to them too. Don’t be afraid to try dating different people than who you’ve traditionally dated, whether that’s looks-wise or even exploring your sexuality. As you unmask and discover the real you, it is likely what you’re looking for in a partner might change too.
• Unmasked: The Ultimate Guide to ADHD, Autism and Neurodivergence by Ellie Middleton is published by Penguin Life
