Dear Anna,
My fiance, who is 35, follows a lot of sexual accounts on Instagram (around 30-40), some of whom are very young, like 18. If he followed girls who were a reasonable age, it actually wouldn't bother me as much, but as it is now, I’m pretty creeped out. Also, a couple of years ago I was doing something similar, following people on OnlyFans, and he blew up and said he didn't want to be with someone who did that. Yet it’s acceptable for him to follow all these accounts that are doing exactly that! I don't know If I have a right to be angry or if I'm just insecure. — In No Search of Teen Attractiveness
Dear INSTA,
You totally have a right to be peeved over your fiance’s behavior, especially because he judged you (quite harshly) for doing something similar. It’s a double standard for him to issue ultimatums about not wanting to be with you for your OnlyFans account and then turn around and heart 40 barely legals in their lingerie on Instagram. The two are not very different — OnlyFans influencers are just more upfront about what they’re selling. So that’s two reasons to be upset: hypocrisy and judginess.
When you approach your fiance about his behavior, lead with that example. Mention his prior blowup, point out the double standard and ask him to unfollow the teenagers, the way you (I’m presuming) unfollowed/deleted the folks you followed on OnlyFans. If he balks or refuses, then you have a few options. Accept that this behavior is not going to change and that, while cringey, you can live with it. Or you can decide it’s unacceptable and end the relationship. The third far-less-mature-but–satisfying-to-suggest-from-my-internet-armchair option is to get back on OnlyFans, follow a bunch of … whoever the new teeny bopper influencers of today are (you’ll have to ask someone else who they are!), and flaunt this as much as possible until either he caves or you break up.
And, about the age thing. The sad part is how incredibly common it is for grown men to ogle teenage girls. Culturally, we’ve been hypersexualizing young girls for a very, very long time. It’s not some fringe fetish! It’s all over the media, from television shows to movies to songs to fast food to magazines to toothpaste ads. Such sexualization can lead to, among other things, poor mental health, suicidal ideation, sexual assault, violence and death. (According to UNICEF, a teenage girl dies a violent death every 10 minutes.)
I’m not saying that your boyfriend is responsible for these grim statistics when he leaves thirsty comments about the bodies of 18-year-olds on Instagram. But it’s not a good look.
Dear Anna,
I’m in a very weird situation. I just started dating this guy. He’s 24, I’m 23. I like him and he’s fun to be around. We haven’t had penis-in-vagina sex yet, but do other things. When he goes down on me, however, he fingers my asshole. It’s happened three or four times now. I don’t find this pleasant, and I’m wondering if he thinks he’s fingering my vagina? His movements are not very gentle, which makes me think he might just be lost or confused about anatomy. How do I bring this up without embarrassing him? — Bothersome Underlying Tush Trouble
Dear BUTT,
I’m sorry to tell you that there’s no non-embarrassing way to bring this up. Either he’s doing it on purpose because he thinks you like enthusiastic, lubeless butt-blasting, and needs to be told that is not the case. Or, he’s confused, like you suggested, and thinks he’s fingering your vagina, and needs to be told that’s not the case. (In addition to needing some anatomy tutorials on the subject.)
It all boils down to an uncomfortable conversation. But don’t worry — this conversation will not be worse than enduring three to four enthusiastic, lubeless butt-blasting sessions.
If you really can’t bear to bring it up with your words, then at the very least, the next time he starts (emphasis on starts, don’t let this go on unnecessarily!) to pound the town brown, stop him, and lead him to the appropriate service exit. (And not without first washing his hands or using a different finger, as you don’t want fecal matter or bacteria mingling with your vaginal flora.)
As an overarching bit of advice: Use this situation (and this new relationship) to work on vocalizing your likes and dislikes when it comes to sex. The more you speak up (and earlier), the less likely you’ll be to wind up in uncomfortable situations like this that should be nipped in the bud (or butt) early.
Good luck!
