July is Disability Pride Month — not to be confused with Disability Awareness Month, which is in March. DPM celebrates the passing of the Americans with Disabilities Act, which ensures that people with disabilities have the same rights and protections as their abled counterparts.
Dear Anna,
I’m (29F) dating a wonderful man (35), who is absolutely perfect for me. My concern isn’t about him, but about my parents, who I’m quite certain will be disapproving about the fact that my boyfriend is in a wheelchair. Do I bring this up now or wait until they meet him, or am I worrying over nothing? — A Wheel Good Time
Dear AWGT,
Tell your parents about your boyfriend — the boring facts, the fun quirks, the things that make him “absolutely perfect” for you. Somewhere in there, include that he’s in a wheelchair. Tell them for a few reasons: One, so that his needs can be accommodated if/when he visits (e.g., if your parents have stairs). Two, because not telling them implies that you or he is ashamed of this, which neither of you are, presumably. Three, because if they’re going to disapprove of him, or react badly, then it should be when he’s not around. This will also give you the opportunity to educate them or at the very least set healthy boundaries about what’s appropriate or not appropriate when it comes to asking questions about your boyfriend.
We can’t stop our parents from judging or disapproving of those we date — as plenty of able-bodied people know as well — but we can take precautions to spare our partner’s feelings, and leave them out of the drama, which frankly doesn’t involve them. (It’s about your parents’ insecurities and assumptions.)
You might remind your parents that people with disabilities make up the largest minority group — 15% of the population, or around 550 million. You might also remind them that, to paraphrase disability rights activist Tobin Siebers, we’re all born disabled, we end up disabled, and only if we’re lucky, do we enjoy a temporary ableness in between.
Remind your parents that they will likely become disabled as they get older — that is, if they aren’t already — and if they want you to treat them with love and respect, then they’d do well to show love and respect to others like your boyfriend who are currently living with a disability.
(Siebers’ actual quote is: “The cycle of life runs in actuality from disability to temporary ability back to disability, and that only if you are among the most fortunate.”)
Dear Anna,
My wife and I are an older heterosexual couple (in our 60s). A few years ago, she had a stroke. But before this happened, we were pretty kinky, and we regularly engaged in MMF threesomes. Now that some time has passed, we are trying to figure out how to find an older man that might be interested in playing with us. I don’t have a clue how to find a person who is around our age, interested and who would have patience with my wife, who has mobility issues. Any idea? — Male Accepting Threesomes Understands Realistic Expectations
Dear MATURE,
At the first BDSM meet and greet that I ever attended — at 24 — the door greeter was a man in his 70s. He was wearing a cable-knit sweater, his nametag read something like “Captain Gene,” and he was a real hoot! Captain Gene may have been the first but he was far from the last retiree-aged person I have met in various kink, poly and swingers’ circles. Indeed, many such spaces skew older — from middle age onward. At one such nudist/swingers resort, which I wrote about for Vice, there were dozens of couples in their 60s. It was like spring break meets Margaritaville!
This is all to say, I think it’s quite likely that your next playmate, one who meets all your criteria, is out there. My first question for you is: Where have you been looking? Where did you find threesome partners before your wife’s stroke? Are those places/websites/events no longer around? Perhaps they’ve shuttered. Or perhaps you’ve moved to a new place and don’t know where to start over.
If your searches in the past were more in-person, like at bars, you’ll want to move this operation online. Try perusing event listings in your area on a poly, kink or swinger-related website or app. Some options to try include FetLife, private Facebook groups or even searching “swingers events + your city.” Some such events are G-rated, and simply a way to meet like-minded people who share your interests. These could be munches (casual brunch or potlucks, not sex-focused), meet and greets (where people go to check out play spaces or dungeons, not sex-focused), discussions or lectures (rope bondage, boundaries, how to be a better ally, etc., not sex-focused) or play parties (sex-focused).
When you find an event that piques your interest, either look through the guest list (if you’re on a website that shows this info) or contact the organizer and ask about the age range of its participants to make sure it’s a good fit.
If you live in a smaller or more isolated town, you might have to travel a little, but then again, you might be surprised.
If no events pique your interest, then create a couples profile (on Fetlife or Feeld or #Open — there are many apps at your disposal) and do some posting, swiping and flirting! It might take you more swipes to find what you’re looking for, but be flexible, persistent and open-minded, and your efforts will likely be rewarded.
Lastly, if money isn’t an object, you might save yourself some time and hire a professional, who will be safe, discreet and more than happy to work with any mobility issues your wife (or you) might have.
Good luck, MATURE. May you find the sexy MMF trifecta of you and your wife’s dreams.
