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Lifestyle
Victor Billot

Another Ode for .. Wayne Brown

"I fix stuff and I knoweth things." Photo: Getty Images

Bard Billot once more on the barbarian Brown  

Everything Must Go

King Alaric the Brown woke from his slumbers.

He dreamed of the wide steppes of the Far North

where he once roamed with savage delight:

But then he dreamed of a fierce and untameable bald eagle

imprisoned in a well-appointed cage with golden bars.

This troubling omen put the King in a sour mood.

My lord, said his Page, here is your tunic,

For today is the day of the Grand Auktion of Auk.

And the Page gently placed on the King’s dome

The traditional tribal baseball cap of the barbarians of the North

Whose motto is,

I fix stuff and I knoweth things.

So King Alaric strolled to the Great Hall,

And before him were assembled the remaining assets

Of the bankrupt and moth eaten Kingdom.

Only a half-year ago, Alaric had charged his way

through the Mighty Gates of the Palace of Auk,

Only to discover the Treasury was filled

With nothing but dust and mice droppings.

He glared at the assembled goods,

For the haggling and coin-counting of the traders

Is beneath the dignity of a Barbarian Conqueror.

“Golden statues?” Asked the Auktioneer.

“Sell,” growled Alaric.

“Hot Air Balloon landing strip?”

“Sell.”

“Playgrounds for the younglings?”

“Sell! Sell all of it, for Jupiter’s sake!”

“Golf courses?”

Alaric hesitated.

“Keep, I think.”

Thus were spent the days of Alaric the Brown,

Who arrived in Auk to fix it up, but who instead

Now found himself being fixed up

By the Ungovernable City of Auk.  

Victor Billot has previously felt moved to write Odes for such public figures as Wayne Brown, the Mayor of Auckland, and Atilla the Brown.

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