The question One of my oldest friends has come into life-changing millions in inherited money. Or should I say his wife has. He’s begun acting like the old Harry Enfield “Considerably Richer Than You” sketch. While most of us must be careful with money, he’s embracing his hedonistic lifestyle. There are self-congratulatory WhatsApp photos of his place in the country and others about fine dining and city breaks that seem a little tone-deaf to those of us who have a more mundane, budget-conscious existence. He’s no longer interested in the subjects we all used to enjoy talking about, and changes the subject back to him and his new life, never mind whatever anyone else is trying to share. One wonders how to react to an announcement about his new SUV or latest property acquisition when you’re wondering how you are going to last until payday. I’m genuinely pleased that life’s lottery has worked out so well for him and wonder if I’m guilty of just being petty and jealous. But he seems at risk of becoming the kind of smug nouveau riche character we used to laugh about in humbler times. What’s the best approach? Try to explain to him he’s coming across as a tad pretentious, or quietly let the friendship fade away?
Philippa’s answer Navigating a friendship when someone suddenly comes into wealth can be challenging, especially when their behaviour becomes ostentatious or inconsiderate.
If he was my friend and started the “I’m-considerably-richer-than-you” act, I’d take the piss out of him royally. I’d also ask him to pay a few of my bills. Help with rent would be nice. I might plant the idea in his head that now his wife was so rich, doesn’t he think she might leave him for a younger man? If he carried on being unbearable, I’d encourage her to do so. Especially if I was a bit younger than him! Seriously, I’d also advise her not to have a joint account, as he sounds like a spendaholic.
I’d tell him that if they hired a beautiful, fully serviced luxury villa with chef and swimming pool, and paid to transport all his old friends over for a holiday, you might just agree to join the party. You might say that if they did that once or twice a year then, under those circumstances, you wouldn’t mind it so much that he appears to relate to you as though you were playing the role of a mere extra in his personal reality show.
Are you being petty or jealous? Well, yes, perhaps you are, but you were not like that before he started poking you with the metaphorical stick of his newfound wealth. On the one hand, we are responsible for our own responses and reactions but, on the other, our friends are the people we feel good around and it is because of the changes in his behaviour that you are not feeling good around him any more. Your jealousy is yours, but he is helping you co-create it.
Sit him down and tell him seriously that you miss your old friend and wonder where he’s got to since this inheritance came in. You could tell him you are happy for him, but explain how his new pastime of one-upping everyone makes you feel. There’s a good chance he’s so caught up in his new wealth that he might not even realise how he may be affecting other people. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Rather than, “You are pretentious,” say how you feel. For example: “I feel uncomfortable when you talk about how you are going to spend your money, because it becomes the focus of all our conversations.” Be specific about the instances where his behaviour made you or others feel uncomfortable – he might not be fully aware of how his new behaviour is affecting others.
There is a chance that your old friend may reappear. A 1978 paper by Brickman, Coates and Janoff-Bulman concluded that coming into a vast amount of wealth does not affect people’s subjective wellbeing in the longer term:after the novelty wears off, lottery winners revert to the usual mood they had before the win. If his behaviour continues to affect you negatively and he shows no willingness to change, it might be healthier to distance yourself. Friendships should be mutually supportive and if this one is becoming more of a source of stress than joy, it might be time to quietly let it go. It’s important to have relationships that uplift and support you, rather than antagonise you.
The decision whether to talk to him and/or whether to let the friendship fade depends on how much you value the relationship and how much you’re willing to tolerate his behaviour. Personally, I’d not drop him. I bet he will revert to normal when the novelty wears off. He’s trying to enjoy his wife’s money, but maybe he isn’t enjoying it very much if the pleasure has to come from boasting. Poor man, maybe he needs your emotional support to come to terms with this big change!
Being honest with him might help him become more self-aware, but if the friendship no longer serves you, it’s OK to step back.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
