It’s Week 10 of the 2023 college football season and only a few days removed from the first playoff ranking reveal of the year.
Are we talking about Ohio State jumping Georgia for the No. 1 spot? No.
Are we talking about Oregon and Washington somehow sitting outside the top four despite playoff-worthy resumes? No.
Are we talking about Alabama clawing its way back from quarterback hell to haunt the teams ranked above it? No.
We’re talking about Connor Stalions maybe doing some weird stuff on the sidelines and/or all across human history. If you had asked me three weeks ago who this man is, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. Now he’s as well-known to fans as any Heisman Trophy contender. Which puts Stalions in some very rare company when it comes to this bizarre sport. He’s a main character every day of the week except game day. He’s the type of person who, if you only paid attention to college football on Saturdays during the season, you might still not know existed at all. But if you follow along each and every day, you could probably recite his horoscope by now.
Which is also to say I’ve learned far too much about this man. More than I ever cared to learn, really. And that puts him on probably the weirdest (most incomplete) list in this sport. I’m sure I’m forgetting many others, but these people have lived rent free in my head for far too long.
Connor Stalions
Former United States Marine, current Mystery Man Du Jour, the low-level Michigan staffer is accused of orchestrating a brazen-but-not-totally-illegal scheme to steal the signs and hand signals of Michigan opponents.
Pole Assassin
If you don’t know who this is — or don’t know why you should know — there’s probably no possible way to prepare for what you’re about to read. So let’s just cut right to the tweet that from two years ago that made the college football world do a collective double-take:
I'm hearing a repot from a credible source that Texas Longhorns Special Teams Coach Jeff Banks' monkey allegedly attacked and seriously hurt a young Trick-or-Treater last night on Halloween.
The monkey's jaws apparently had to be pried off the small child.
— Tom Campbell (@thomasgcampbell) November 1, 2021
The monkey, named Gia, belonged to Banks’ girlfriend, Danielle Thomas, an exotic dancer who has used the stage name Pole Assassin. Gia not only provides emotional support to Thomas, but participates in her act.
I’m sorry you know all of this now, but just imagine how I’ve felt having this information in my brain for the last two years with absolutely no use for it.
Harvey Updyke
“Let me tell you what I did. The weekend after the Iron Bowl, I went to Auburn because I lived 30 miles away, and I poisoned the two Toomer’s trees. I put Spike 80DF in ‘em. They’re not dead yet, but they definitely will die.”
With that evil and eerie call into the Paul Finebaum Show in 2011, Updyke’s voice burned into the minds of college fans everywhere and took Alabama’s interstate rivalry with Auburn into dark territory.
Harvey Updyke served more than 70 days in prison and was sentenced to pay $800,000 in restitution. He died in 2020 at age 71 and still owing $791,857.
I wish I’d never heard of him.
Nevin Shapiro and John Ruiz
The amazing 30 For 30 films covering Miami Hurricanes football aside, the boosters of this program have done more to damage the team than any coach since Larry Coker.
Shapiro was handed a 20-year prison sentence for running a nearly $1 billion Ponzi scheme while providing a laundry list of impermissible benefits to numerous Canes players across the early 2000s.
Ruiz took over Shapiro’s mantle as the bankroller of Miami stars using his company, LifeWallet, to fund NIL deals. All good and well, except Ruiz and the company are now the target of federal civil and criminal investigations, per the Miami Herald.
The U: Part 3, anyone?
Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy
The Tuohys did not adopt Michael Oher. They entered into a conservatorship with the future NFL star, which he says kept millions of dollars from the film’s success out of his pockets. A judge terminated the conservatorship in late September 2023.
Oher claims he never received a payment from a film ostensibly sharing his life story, but which took numerous liberties including the portrayal of the lineman as unintelligent. The Tuohys, meanwhile, continue to “vehemently deny” enriching themselves at Oher’s expense.
The truth behind the feel-good Hollywood success story is really rather bleak.
Logan Young
An Alabama booster is found guilty in federal court of trying to bribe high school players to join the Crimson Tide. He’s found dead at his Memphis home during his appeal in 2006. After initially suspecting foul play, authorities determined Young tripped going up the stairs and hit his head on a railing.
Fortunately, no one in college football is prone to conspiracy theories.
Jimmy Sexton
Make way for Memphis attorney Jimmy Sexton, the man who was fortunate enough to share a dorm room at Tennessee with Reggie White and parlay it into one of the most successful sports agencies in the world.
The CAA executive now gets to represent players and coaches across the sport, making him the most visible “unseen” hand in football who wields darn-near close to unlimited power.
It turns out Memphis is actually the center of the college football universe, but that’s a topic for another day.
T. Boone Pickens
The year is 3125. The charred remains of Earth float across whatever’s left of the Milky Way galaxy. Oxygen hasn’t been detected in centuries, T. Boone Pickens, dead since 2019, donates another $50 million to Oklahoma State football.
Papa John
Speaking of the charred remains of an empire…
Anyone seen Papa John at any Louisville games lately? No? Cool. Let’s keep it that way.
Tom Mars
Is your favorite coach or player in trouble with the NCAA or law enforcement? Odds are they’re reaching out to Tom Mars.
Once a high-powered executive at Walmart, the Arkansas lawyer now spends his time taking NCAA bylaws to task. He first burst into the college football landscape through a lawsuit he filed on behalf of Houston Nutt against Ole Miss. That led to the release of compromising phone records of then-Rebels head coach Hugh Freeze, which ultimately cost him his job
Mars has repped Jim Harbaugh and helped blow up the NCAA transfer system.
If this is your first time hearing his name, rest assured it won’t be the last.
Tommy Tuberville
A United States Senator who understands how college football works? Yeah, that’ll be the day.
