I’m overwhelmed by time. Time blindness, time paralysis, time management, always panicking about time. I’ve got ADHD, so I have an explanation, but no excuse.
The worst mispronunciation of my name I’ve heard is “Siobhan”. That’s true! But I’ve learned to be more chill about Irish names. I’d feel angrier if Irish people en masse understood the etymology of different names from Africa and east Asia.
I learned to be funny for money and chocolate. It was like the Hunger Games of cousins in our family. I’d elbow my way to the front and be all jazzy for Granny, so I’d get some Dairy Milk. I remember learning a comedy song off the telly, performing it for all my mother’s friends after my holy communion and everyone rummaging in their purse for fivers. I realised early on that funny was my currency.
“You could be dead tomorrow” was a saying in my family. Given someone had actually died, the phrase wasn’t totally positive. My sister and I rushed to leave our mark, but once we became older than our father ever was, we were like: “Oh, looks like we might be doing this for another 40 years. Better slow down and look after ourselves.”
I rebuilt my bathroom around my Bafta. I used to keep it where people could see it. Apparently, that’s not cool. You have it in your toilet to show you don’t care about awards. So I got a complete bathroom renovation, including an illuminated shelf for the Bafta. It cost me quite a lot of money to look like I don’t care.
I went to Bill Murray’s Christmas party. It’s a big old name drop, but I was in New York and my friend invited me. It was a normal party except he had all these robot vacuum cleaners with cut-outs of ice skaters attached to them, so it looked like tiny skaters were zooming around the floor.
I drop a tear easily. Hollywood sports movies make me cry. People who are lonely in some way, go on a journey and start to believe in themselves again. That’s me gone.
Many female standups have absent or dead fathers. Mine died when I was three. Being raised by women, without a classic patriarchal structure, you see no conversational limits. You can be direct without softening how you speak.
The colour green heals me. I wear lots of it. In 2021, my brain went a bit bad and I started getting terrible migraines. The eye finds green easier to process. It’s used a lot in hospitals. So I painted almost everything in my flat green or turquoise. I emerged from the pandemic thinking at least I came out normal. My friends were like, “Er, your clothes are all green.”
I’m terrified of mice. My mother dug up the back field when we were kids and all the mice that had been hibernating stampeded into our house and lived rent-free for about three years. They crawled across our heads. They died in the walls. I’d know the smell of a dead mouse 50 miles away.
People assume me and Sharon Horgan really are sisters. Even my own mother got us confused once. It’s like how you might mix up two of The Corrs. Well, two of the sisters. Probably not Jim.
Being an elf put me off Christmas. My worst ever job was at an industrial-sized Santa’s Grotto. Twelve-hour days with fake snow everywhere. You’ve never seen a sadder bunch of people covered in glitter. It was like an unsuccessful hen night.
My happy place is in my garden with friends. I’ve spent ages doing it up and host a Pride party every year. A boozy Saturday brunch with beloved people. People never leave my house going, “Wow, what a great cook,” but they always leave full and slightly drunk.
Greatest Days is in cinemas now across the UK and Ireland
