The news at the end of the year is always a melange of optimism about the new year, wraps of the previous year and best-of or most-awaited lists. At the end of 2023, I noticed a new phenomenon: advice. Lots of it and about many issues, especially mental health and relationships.
Christmas and the holiday season seemed a significant focus, with numerous articles about how to have conversations with family members about difficult topics, managing interactions with problematic family members, navigating loneliness, and how to make small talk at social events.
There have been many other similar articles since then, though the bent in the new year is less about socialising and more about health goals, fitness and making good habits stick.
I’ve been fascinated by the rise of advice articles. They occupy an odd space, somewhere between journalism, agony aunt columns and personal development literature. They allow access to the expert mind on dilemmas that plague many of us. Unlike earlier iterations of the agony aunt columns, these articles focus on daily conundrums we all face – such as navigating social situations without putting our foot in our mouth, a dilemma that all but the most socially skilled of us will be familiar with – rather than the salacious or personal.
While this form of advice has always been around in some measure, there has been a distinct proliferation over the last few years, perhaps dating back to the Covid era, when we were all locked down, unable to access many of the usual supports we had and struggling to cope. Much of the advice at that time was focused on coping with lockdowns and loneliness and was very beneficial as we were collectively taken by surprise by this global challenge, and maybe for the first time ever started to contemplate that perhaps our world was not quite in our control as we thought.
Perhaps we can understand the rise of the advice article when we look at the world around us, its complexities and the harshness we experience when we get things wrong. The challenges facing us are huge and the sense of anxiety most people carry is palpable. This is anxiety not just about our individual future (will I be able to afford a house?) but anxiety about future generations and humanity itself (what kind of world will my children have when the climate is cycling between floods and fires?).
When the world feels out of control, allowing some small measure of control and feeling equipped with the skills we need to manage smaller situations can bring us calm. It also wouldn’t be remiss to notice that many of the structures which acted as trusted anchor points have either dissolved, become less salient (like the church) or are simply not trusted in the manner they used to be (like the government).
There’s a gulf in public life – and in the absence of trusting relationships with people/institutions (heck, I can’t even get in to see my GP for three weeks!), online and other forms of generic advice have taken on new importance. We no longer have shamans or medicine men, and most of us don’t trust priests any more, but we do have and trust psychologists, or other such experts.
Neoliberal capitalism has also shown us that our time is precious and that we must optimise and become more efficient in all we do. There seems to be a right and wrong way to do anything, even socialise, and many of us live in fear that we are getting it wrong. Perhaps this is why we feel discomfort before a party, or are anxious about seeing a friend. Maybe we just need to learn how to socialise more effectively so we don’t feel so uncomfortable.
There’s nothing wrong with good advice and, indeed, most human endeavours should be accompanied first by learning from others and then testing the waters in a scaffolded and supported manner. However, seeking advice about every little aspect of life can remove spontaneity or genuine human connection, especially if we spend our time worried about whether we are following the rules.
As we seek advice, it may be helpful to ask ourselves: what we are really looking for? Is it advice about socialising, or is it acceptance and permission to know that, despite our best efforts, we will never get everything exactly right?
Dr Ahona Guha is a clinical and forensic psychologist and author. Her latest book, Life Skills for a Broken World, was released by Scribe in January 2024
