A GOALLESS DRAW WITH A LOT OF FIZZ
Disallowed goals. Saves and double-saves. Questionable refereeing decisions. Goal-line clearances. The thud of thermoplastic polyurethane out-surface on goalpost. A 22-man penalty shoot-out with 21 successful spot-kicks and a 12-yard Kepa field goal. An appeal for a very public show of support from a crowd half-comprised of Chelsea fans for a European nation under brutal and illegal invasion from a one-time close pal of [Snip! – Fiver lawyer].
In decades to come, when the nuclear winter ends and the handful of survivors who survive whatever horrors are about to be visited upon us by Mad Vlad emerge blinking into the apocalyptic landscape, the dusty, radioactive old record books may show that Sunday’s Sickly Sweet Energy Drink Cup finished scoreless after 120 minutes, but they will offer few clues as to just how thrilling an encounter it was. Having scored three disallowed goals to Liverpool’s one, it could be argued the best team lost and Tommy T could scarcely have sounded more pleased with his beaten Chelsea team.
Having spoken so eloquently before the game about the difficult position in which he and his players find themselves at a club that has acknowledged but not condemned what they described as “the situation” in Ukraine, Tuchel was surprisingly upbeat considering how spectacularly the old goalkeeper-switcheroo tactical masterstroke with which he hoped to win a nerve-shredding penalty shoot-out blew up in his face. “I’m proud of the team,” he said. “It was an excellent performance. We could have won it, they could have won it. It was such a tight game. Even the penalties were full of quality.” Well, most of the penalties.
Prior to joining his players for some post-match dressing-room dad-dancing to the mellifluous tones of Gala’s Freed From Desire, Jürgen Klopp spoke about his own goalkeeper, a young Irishman who doesn’t often feature for Liverpool, but has made enough of an impression on the rare occasions he does to have British broadcasters finally pronouncing his name properly. “Even in professional football, I think there should be some space for sentiment,” he said of his decision to start Caoimhín Kelleher in the final. “I am two things, a professional football manager and a human being. And the human being won this time. That is why it was so nice.”
And who could argue? After a weekend in which Leeds shot Bambi’s mum and the world inched ever closer to Armageddon, who among us couldn’t do with a little bit more “nice” in our lives.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I am so sorry for him. His legacy is there in Leeds’ city and the club and I am pretty sure with the players … in the four seasons, he was spectacular to watch” – like The Fiver, Pep Guardiola was sad to see Marcelo Bielsa bundled through the Leeds door marked Do One. For another fine tribute, read this piece by James Riach.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around Football Weekly NOW!
FIVER LETTERS
“I am sure I am at least the 1,057th pedant to suggest ‘Waiting for the Kopek to drop” as a more accurate equivalent analogy (Friday’s Fiver). We wouldn’t say ‘Waiting for the pound to drop’ would we?” – Hamish Brown (and no others).
“I take it The Fiver is into this football business for the money, so I was wondering if you could give me the name of your bookie. Fulham appear to be going up, so I want to place a bet on how many goals Aleksandar Mitrovic will score in the 2023-24 season upon his return to the Championship following Fulham’s relegation after their inevitable one season stand in the Premier League” – Hanford Woods.
“I find Gerry Rickard’s claim that people from USA! USA!! USA!!! don’t have a sense of humour to be highly offensive. Some of us (myself included) are Arsenal supporters, so clearly we appreciate a (good?) joke” – Edward Dean.
“I’m not a believer in karma or fate but it was utterly cathartic to watch Kepa blaze the crucial kick of a penalty shootout over the bar three years after he had disrespected his then manager, Maurizio Sarri, by refusing to be substituted before a penalty shootout in the final of the Milk Cup. I hope somewhere in Italy there is a slightly dishevelled coach with a fag in hand and a wry smile on his face” – Colin Reed.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Edward Dean.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Big breaking Human Rights World Cup news: Fifa are set to expel Russia from the qualifying play-offs, according to reports by the BBC and PA. More to come on Big Website …
Gianluigi Buffon has signed a new deal at Parma keeping him at the club until 2024 when the goalkeeper will be 46. “My return to Parma was linked to the relationships and the deep bond I have always had with this city!” he cheered, as his various joints and ligaments stared around in horror and dismay.
RB Leipzig suit Oliver Mintzlaff says the German club are assuming their last-16 Big Vase tie against Spartak Moscow will be cancelled. And elsewhere in Germany, having dropped their logo from shirts last week, Schalke have now ended their partnership with Gazprom.
The Sheriff Tiraspol manager, Yuriy Vernydub, has resigned in order to join the army in his native Ukraine. Vernydub led the Moldovan side to memorable Champions League wins over Real Madrid and Shakhtar Donetsk earlier this season.
Emotional fruit machine Antonio Conte opted for his pessimistic hat ahead of Tottenham’s FA Cup tie against Middlesbrough on Tuesday. “To win trophies in England is very difficult,” he wept. “At the moment it’s easier to win in Europe than England.”
Perhaps Boro’s Chris Wilder is up for the Cup. “Personally, it really doesn’t mean anything to me,” shrugged Wilder. Ah. “What does it mean for the football club? I think that is a better question. To get into the quarter-final … I think it would be an incredible achievement.” That’s better!
And Jamie Vardy is set to return from nearly two months out with hamstring-twang in Leicester’s goalless Premier League draw at Burnley on Tuesday.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten talking points from the weekend’s top flight action, from Frank Lampard’s tactical tussle with Pep Guardiola to Brentford’s slide down the table.
Caoimhín Kelleher kept his cool and channelled his free-scoring youth football days to seal Milk Cup glory for Liverpool, writes Andy Hunter.
Chelsea’s thoughts were turning to an uncertain future with or without Roman Abramovich before Kepa’s wayward penalty had even landed, according to Barney Ronay.
Marcelo Bielsa didn’t just get Leeds back in the big time – he transformed the club and what it meant to the city, writes James Riach.
Nicky Bandini on Napoli’s Rome redemption.
Hereford FC manager Josh Gowling on how Mazhiar Kouhyar, the first Afghanistan-born EFL player, has rebuilt his career with the club.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
