The 33rd Team prides itself as the NFL’s “think tank.” It’s always thinking outside the box. Or, more accurately, inside a very defined box that demands clickworthy content in familiar formats.
This is how we get a 2023 NFL Draft re-draft roughly four months after the original one happened.
Hey, I get it. The offseason is a long, lonely road. The preseason provides a month to overreact to exhibition games and plays made by and against backups and practice squaders. Content is king, and I’m certainly in no position to lob stones after taking on great offseason undertakings like ranking home uniforms and determining each franchise’s best ever tight ends.
Still, something stuck in my craw about The 33rd Team’s re-draft. Not the concept — which wasn’t super well received, admittedly — but the execution. You see, these guys got it all wrong. If you’re going to react to the preseason, the only true way to do so is to fully and truly overreact.
As such, allow me to present the one true 2023 NFL re-Draft.
1. Carolina Panthers (from Chicago Bears): QB Tyson Bagent, Shepherd University
Yeah, Bryce Young is OK, but he didn’t carve up the Bills’ defense (fine *a* Bills defense) and pave his way to a roster spot alongside the immortal Nathan Peterman this preseason.
Tyson Bagent making a name for himself in Chicago
📱: Stream #BUFvsCHI on #NFLPlus https://t.co/624TrfDUF6 pic.twitter.com/Q77PcdcawM
— NFL (@NFL) August 26, 2023
2. Houston Texans: QB Dorian Thompson-Robinson, UCLA
3. Houston Texans (from Arizona Cardinals): EDGE Nick Herbig, Wisconsin
The Texans double-dip with a QB-EDGE combo again, but this time they get it right.
4. Indianapolis Colts: RB Elijah Dotson, Sacramento State
Knowing what we know now about the Jonathan Taylor situation, Jim Irsay picks up his next RB1. Bijan Robinson is pretty good, but he didn’t average 8.1 yards per carry in the preseason.
ANOTHER TD for Elijah Dotson! This one goes 40 yards.
6 carries
92 yards
2 TDs📺: #LACvsLAR on @NFLNetwork
📱: Stream on NFL+ https://t.co/bBFpXewtKp pic.twitter.com/qB3XR1BcKz— NFL (@NFL) August 13, 2023
5. Seattle Seahawks: CB Eli Ricks, Alabama
Devon Witherspoon has hardly seen the field due to injury. Ricks, on the other hand, was one of Pro Football Focus’s top performers at corner AND was a five-star recruit a mere four years ago.
6. Arizona Cardinals (from Detroit Lions): QB Clayton Tune, Houston
Look, he might be the Cardinals’ Week 1 starter. You think Jonathan Gannon really wants to risk letting someone else pick him?
7. Las Vegas Raiders: WR Rashee Rice, SMU
Jimmy Garoppolo needs yards-after-catch machines to thrive. That’s all Rice did this preseason.
8. Atlanta Falcons: RB Bijan Robinson, Texas
OK, they got this one right.
NFL, welcome to Bijan Robinson. pic.twitter.com/fwrfoaDe5u
— Nash (@NashTalksTexas) August 18, 2023
9. Philadelphia Eagles: S Ronnie Hickman, Ohio State
Jalen Carter is still available, but he didn’t have three interceptions this preseason. Three! Move over Reed Blankenship, there’s a new safety stud in Philly.
10. Chicago Bears: OT Darnell Wright, Tennessee (but they give him the right conditioning plan)
Wright lost a bunch of weight because he “accidentally” prepped for the Bears’ wide receivers conditioning test. Weird. Who wants a faster, more nimble right tackle in a Justin Fields offense? In this re-draft, Wright actually gets bigger, tipping the scales at an impenetrable 450 pounds. Good luck, NFC North pass rushers (and Wright’s primary care physician).
11. Tennessee Titans: RB Emanuel Wilson, Fort Valley State
Derrick Henry is getting tired. You know who’s got fresh legs? The kid who led the NFL in rushing yards (this preseason).
12. Detroit Lions (from Arizona Cardinals): WR Puka Nacua, BYU
Sure, Jahmyr Gibbs is a playmaker. But so is Nacua — the missing piece in Jared Goff’s MVP campaign.
13. Green Bay Packers: QB Anthony Richardson, Florida
Continuing a longstanding tradition of the Packers not-so-subtly telling their legendary quarterbacks it’s time to go. Clock’s ticking, Jordan Love.
14. Pittsburgh Steelers (from New England Patriots): EDGE Will Anderson Jr., Alabama
Ah dammit, we just made the Steelers defense unstoppable. My bad, guys, that’s on me.
15. New York Jets: QB Bryce Young, Alabama
Oh my god, Aaron Rodgers would be so mad, could you even imagine?
16. Washington Commanders: pass
Commanders fans aren’t conditioned to good things happening to them. You stack a premium draft pick on top of the news Dan Snyder is no longer publicly and loudly grinding their franchise into dust and their hearts might explode.
17. New England Patriots: WR Andrei Iosivas, Princeton
Bill Belichick hasn’t broken a highly drafted wideout prospect from the Ivy League yet.
18. Detroit Lions: LB Ivan Pace Jr., Cincinnati
Look, Jack Campbell was a great pick. But Pace plays every down like he can create a rift in space and time by smashing into other people. You tell me which one Dan Campbell, noted football lunatic, would like more.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: QB Spencer Petras, Iowa
Their quarterbacks are Baker Mayfield and Kyle Trask. If they’re gonna blatantly tank, they should at least blatantly tank right.
20. Seattle Seahawks: WR Tank Dell, Houston
Jaxon Smith-Njigba is hurt. Quentin Johnston dropped a pass in practice. Jordan Addison got a speeding ticket. Zay Flowers played for Boston College. But Tank? Oh, Tank’s perfect, baby.
Just a reminder all Tank Dell does is ball.
-90-1,329-12 as a junior
-109-1398-17 as a senior
-5-65-1 in his first NFL gamepic.twitter.com/rxBj47bD1t— Ben Cummins (@BenCumminsFF) August 23, 2023
21. Los Angeles Chargers: Doesn’t matter, he’s just gonna get injured
You know the Chargers can’t have nice things.
22. Baltimore Ravens: LB Jack Campbell, Iowa
“What if Ray Lewis were polite?”
23. Minnesota Vikings: QB Aidan O’Connell, Purdue
The Kirk Cousins era is ending. Please welcome his replacement, Also Kirk Cousins.
24. New York Giants: WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba, Ohio State
Finally, someone who can run all three routes Daniel Jones can throw.
25. Buffalo Bills: WR Jordan Addison, USC
Stefon Diggs weeps tears of joy to finally have a proper running mate and makes a long, eloquent Twitter/Insta post praising his franchise, pumping up Josh Allen and expressing his love for western New York. The media reports he’s forcing a trade anyway.
26. Dallas Cowboys: DL Jalen Carter, Georgia
This happened once in a fever dream Jerry Jones had.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars: OT Dawand Jones, Ohio State
Sure, Anton Harrison is good now. But Jones might be even better in a few years, and it’s not like the rest of the AFC South is gonna be competing by then.
28. Cincinnati Bengals: RB Tank Bigsby, Auburn
You’ll be missed, Joe Mixon. Not by me, mind you, but by someone.
29. New Orleans Saints: DT Bryan Bresee, Clemson
Nah this guy is inspirational, he stays where he is.
Bryan Bresee my goodness pic.twitter.com/vT42f0ftHX
— Marc Whiteman (@MarcWYFFNews4) August 28, 2023
30. Philadelphia Eagles: CB Devon Witherspoon, Illinois
Sure.
31. Kansas City Chiefs: QB CJ Stroud, Ohio State
Oh my god you made it this far? Why? Is it because you’re completely starved for actual football content, too?
Don’t worry, the season starts in six days.
