Talking about money can be uncomfortable and awkward. But if you want to be considerate of others while staying within your budget, you should establish guidelines on matters such as dining out with friends, attending a wedding or deciding how much to tip. A lot of people think money is not polite conversation, but contemporary etiquette guidelines indicate the opposite. “We really want money to be an approachable topic,” says Lizzie Post, great-great-granddaughter of famed etiquette expert Emily Post and coauthor of Emily Post’s Etiquette.
Etiquette norms are cultural, and expectations are often driven by common behaviors that vary depending on where you are and who you’re with. Although there is no one-size-fits-all approach to many money matters, consider these common-sense strategies when navigating social and service settings.
Dining out with friends
When dining with a group, Post says, it’s important to identify the difference between organizing and inviting. If you’re hosting the meal, you should be prepared to pay the bill, she says. If you and your friends are organizing a meal out together, it’s okay to split the bill, but talk in advance about how you’ll share the costs. Especially for groups in which individuals expect to order different amounts — one person may join just for a drink, for example, while others get full meals and desserts — ask your server whether you can get separate checks so that diners can pay their own way.
Bring at least enough cash to pay your portion of the bill, Post says. This may seem old-fashioned in the age of payment apps such as Venmo and Zelle, which many people use to split a restaurant bill. But it’s a good idea to have cash on hand, especially if you’re dining out with new friends who may not use those payment methods.
Birthday dinners can create their own money dilemmas, making advance planning even more important. For example, some people assume that everyone should split the check and pay for the honoree’s meal, even if the honoree issued the invites. But if you’re planning to host your own birthday event, you should plan to pick up the tab for your friends. Similarly, if you’re hosting a dinner party, don’t ask friends to help with the costs after the fact; no one wants to receive a surprise $20 Venmo request after a simple pasta night at your house. If you want to split the costs of a dinner party, then organize a potluck dinner and ask everyone to bring a dish to share.
Celebratory gifting
Gifting is a practice steeped in tradition, especially at weddings. You’re not required to use the gift registry, Post says, but it can help you avoid purchasing redundant gifts, because you can usually see whether something has already been purchased for the couple.
A common myth is that the wedding gift should be equal to or greater in value than the cost of your dinner plate at the reception. But hosts typically don’t share information on dinner costs with their guests, and it’s difficult to estimate the expense yourself. Give what you can afford to give, even if the reception features surf and turf.
If you can’t afford to attend a wedding or other celebration, offer your regrets using the reply card or RSVP link provided. You don’t need to provide the reason that you’re not attending, Post says, but consider sending a gift or small acknowledgement to thank the hosts for including you in their celebration. “An old-school tradition is that if you decline a wedding invitation, you should still send a gift,” Post says. “I would say fewer and fewer people know about that tradition these days, but we haven’t changed our advice yet.”
Cash is acceptable as a graduation or wedding gift, and some people — particularly older couples who have all the appliances they need — welcome it. But in other situations, such as birthdays and anniversaries, try to come up with something meaningful and reflective of your relationship with the recipient, Post says. Avoid regifting something simply because you’d rather not keep it. And if you’re planning to give a gag gift as a joke, run it by at least a few other people before you do. Sometimes even the most well-intended jokes can land poorly. The type of birthday matters, too: Gifts aren’t usually expected for adult birthdays, but you probably shouldn’t show up empty-handed at a child’s birthday party (unless you’re asked not to bring a gift).
Paying for group vacations
Whether it’s a weekend with friends or an extended stay for a family get-together, shared expenses should be discussed in detail well in advance of a group trip. Otherwise, you run the risk that someone else in the group will feel obligated to cover expenses they can’t afford.
Consider discussing your travel style with your friends or family members. For instance, do members of the group like to shop at local markets and prepare shared meals at the vacation rental, or do they prefer to eat out and take a break from food prep and dish duty? When it comes to lodging, do they care more about location or amenities? Do they want to split a rental car or rely on public transportation? And if you’re splitting a vacation rental rather than booking rooms at a hotel, be sure to discuss whether you’ll divide up the rent on a per-person or per-room basis, because the distribution of costs on a per-room basis may fall disproportionately on single people compared with couples sharing a bed.
Research your destination ahead of time so you can estimate costs, such as drinks, meals, entertainment, recreation and any other activities. That way, members of the group who can’t afford the trip can bow out before they sink any money into it. Likewise, if you’ve been invited to a group trip that’s shaping up to be too costly for you, don’t be afraid to speak up. It’s normal for people to approach travel spending differently, and voicing your preference for a lower-cost excursion will probably resonate with more people than you think. Someone might offer to find a way to make the trip more affordable for you and other members of the group.
Realistically, you’re probably not going to anticipate every expense, particularly if it’s an extended stay, but consider keeping a tally of who pays for what during the trip. TravelSpend is a free app that allows you to invite travel companions to enter their expenses by category. The app automatically calculates how much each person has spent, which makes it easier to share costs. Or you can simply bring a pen and notebook that everyone can use to write down expenses they cover so you can sort it out at the end of the trip. They key is to have a system of accountability in place.
Tipping in service settings
There are several major motivations behind tipping, says Michael Lynn, a social scientist at Cornell University. One is to reward good service. A second is to ensure good service in the future if you continue to visit the establishment. In addition, many customers are aware that service workers, especially in restaurants, receive low wages and want to help them out. But regardless of why we tip, whether when dining out, riding in a taxi, staying at a hotel or getting a haircut, tipping is expected in our culture. It’s even baked into our laws: The minimum-wage requirements for tipped servers are lower than for those who don’t work for tips.
The appropriate amount for a tip varies depending on the service provided. You can always tip more than what is standard, but you should never forgo tipping when you get table service at a restaurant, Post says. If the service was inadequate, you should communicate that with a manager or other supervisor, not with your dollars, she says.
At restaurants, the standard tip is still 15% to 20% on top of your pretax bill. However, it’s becoming increasingly common for restaurants to add a 15%-to-20% service charge to your bill. When you make a reservation at a restaurant, consider asking whether you’ll see a service charge on the bill and, if so, who receives it. If you’d like to reward good service, you should leave a tip even if there is a service charge, although it’s okay to tip just 10% to 15%.
A standard tip for a taxi ride is typically around 10% to 20% of the total fare. However, if a taxi driver helps load and unload your luggage or other items, an additional tip of $2 to $10 is appropriate.
For salon or spa services, such as haircuts, massages, facials or other forms of pampering, the standard tip is usually between 15% and 20% of the total bill. It’s customary not to tip the salon owner. If you’re not sure whether your service provider accepts tips, ask them, Post says.
When it comes to counter service, you do not always have to tip, even though it may feel expected when the cashier flips a touch-screen card reader around with a prompt to add a gratuity. Whether you’re presented with an electronic device or a tip jar, tipping is optional, Post says. (For more on how to handle proliferating tip prompts at service counters, go to kiplinger.com/kpf/tipping-guide.)
Holiday tipping
Tipping around the holidays is a traditional way to say thank you to the service providers in your life. The quality of the service you’ve received and your personal budget will dictate the amount you give. The amount that you pay for one appointment or session is a typical holiday tip for a dog groomer, hair stylist, regular cleaning person, personal trainer or massage therapist. A week’s pay is a suitable holiday tip for a caregiver such as a senior care aid or a regular babysitter, nanny or au pair. If you’d like to give a tip to your child’s daycare provider or teacher, check the daycare or school’s policies first; cash gifts may be prohibited. You might also consider donating to help fund a classroom project as a way to support your child’s teacher (to learn more about DonorsChoose, an organization that crowdfunds school projects, see “Helping Teachers Supply Their Classrooms,” Sept.).
If you use grocery-delivery or curbside-pickup services, consider tipping the attendant or driver in recognition of the provider’s hard work during the holiday season. For people who work as a team, such as gardeners, landscapers, or trash and recycling collectors, tip anywhere from $10 to $30 each.
Not all professionals can accept tips. For example, postal workers may not accept cash gifts or checks but are allowed to accept small gifts that are worth no more than $20, such as travel mugs, hand warmers or gift cards (as long as the gift cards aren’t exchangeable for cash). FedEx drivers are prohibited by work rules from accepting payments from customers; UPS drivers are not barred from taking tips but are encouraged to decline them. For these workers, consider leaving a basket of prepackaged snacks and drinks at your door as a form of gratuity.
Note: This item first appeared in Kiplinger Personal Finance Magazine, a monthly, trustworthy source of advice and guidance. Subscribe to help you make more money and keep more of the money you make here.
