I helped a friend move house 18 months ago. We’ve known each other for more than a decade and helped each other out on numerous occasions, and this was no different. I was probably helping for 10 hours. She had a lot of pictures and art to move. She’d already hired removalists but these things hadn’t gone with them. So I loaded a lot of them into my station wagon laid flat.
Unfortunately, one of the canvases was damaged in transit. I’d actually forgotten about this until I was visiting her recently, when she told me that she got a quote to repair the canvas and that we could split it, paying $1,200 each. I asked her what the canvas was worth and she told me it was beside the point – this canvas belongs to her son, who lives in Germany, and it’s very special to him.
It has never hung in her house and has been in storage. I had a look at it and it honestly looks like it was picked up off hard rubbish, and it isn’t signed. She told me that when it happened I promised to help fix it. I don’t remember such a conversation. I said I’d be happy to help her repair it herself but not pay. I didn’t have the money 18 months ago, so it’s unlikely I would have committed to paying then.
To me, it seems that if you get free amateur help, then there’s no insurance. I think it’s on her if damages occurred. I feel quite shocked, and feel it is cause to end the friendship. What do you think?
Eleanor says: Friendships are not like business relationships. One is ruled by what you can do for someone else, the other by what you have to do. That’s why bringing financial restitution into friendships can make things really weird, as you and this unfortunate canvas have seen.
You think this is no way to treat a friend who did a favour. She shouldn’t treat you like a contractor now, by asking you to compensate her losses, when she didn’t treat you like one before, by paying for your labour or having contracted expectations. Indeed, she’s arguably holding you to a higher standard than a professional mover, since it sounds as though she wants reimbursement that is higher than the market value of the object.
On her side, though, she might think friendship plays the other way. Maybe a removalist wouldn’t morally have to pay for an expensive repair to a sentimental object, but you’re friends. “If I’d broken something important to you I’d feel awful! I’d want to help.”
Friendship, finance, responsibility. No wonder people struggle when we try to mix these worlds!
At very least, she should acknowledge that this isn’t obvious. This should be a negotiation, not a fist-thumping. There are important points on your side: how were you to know it was sentimental? Why didn’t she say so, or carefully transport it herself?
You could make a counter-offer: “I’m happy to help repair it, or pay a lesser amount. But I don’t think I took on that degree of financial responsibility when I agreed to help.” How she reacts will be the measure of the friendship. It might start to feel as though you’re enemies, all recrimination and assuming the worst. In that case, this may be a natural ending point. But if you can say you want to disagree in a candid and friendly way, you might be able to move through this tense moment.
If you do want to save the friendship, it might be worth asking what else this is about (cliche, I know). Did she feel you were careless with her things? Did she wish you’d seemed more upset that this happened, never mind whose fault it was? Does she just really miss her son? There might be all kinds of things here you could help her feel “compensated for” without having to fork over the cash. Mind you, that’s only if you think this friendship is worth that much humble pie. You might not. Or, at least, you might not be happy to eat it alone.
Whatever you decide, here are two little things. It’s probably not worth disagreeing about the past conversation. It sounds to me like you said “I’ll help repair it”, meaning it literally, and she thought you meant financially. Perhaps nobody’s in bad faith. Second, it’s probably not worth pointing out that the painting is unsigned, in storage and so on. People let things they care about gather dust. You don’t want to risk communicating “it shouldn’t matter” when she’s insisting it does. If you’re sentimental about an object, losing it really can feel like losing whatever it represents.
Like you, I wouldn’t have thought you had to pay for this. Clearly she doesn’t agree. The question is whether she can see enough of your side to still be a friend. If she can only see this as a quasi-business transaction, she’s telling you what you need to know.
This letter has been edited for clarity and length
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