How do you address the topic of toxic masculinity with a teenage boy? It's an issue that's left parenting writer Debra Waters feeling anxious. She shares her own experiences, talks to two experts and asks three other mums for their thoughts...
When I gave birth to a boy, I worried about how to raise him to respect and love women and see them as equals, without belittling his ‘maleness’. I wanted my son to feel like he could cry when he needed to, that he didn’t have to hide his sensitive side, and that he could always ask for support. But even I, to my shame, occasionally told him to get it together – not because I think that men crying is bad (quite the opposite), but because I didn’t want him to be judged by his peers.
For decades, terms like ‘macho’, ‘red-blooded’ or ‘cocky’ were used to describe the masculinity expected from boys and men. But these days, the expression ‘toxic masculinity’, which has been around forever, suddenly seems like it's everywhere.
And, as my 13-year-old son has grown, Andrew Tate’s popularity has surged. Here’s a man who’s the epitome of so-called ‘toxic masculinity’: he’s extreme in his view of what men, and women, should be; he’s compared women to animals and property and condoned violence against women; and he favours brute strength over communication. But these opinions aren’t just harmful towards women, it’s damaging to men (and boys) who will ultimately suffer from this disconnect from women and their own emotions.
When I first watched Tate's videos I laughed – surely, no one thought this was reasonable or progressive. I wasn’t laughing when I found out that, by the time Tate was banned from TikTok in 2022, his videos (on that platform alone) had been viewed 11.6 billion times.
This made me realise that many boys – including my own – feel disenfranchised or unsure about their role in society. In an attempt to counteract this, I’ve told my son how loved and valuable he is, and I explain to him that women have been marginalised for thousands of years and that’s why they’re fighting back, but I have less and less control over what he hears and sees as he gets older. In truth, it’s a minefield and not just for mums, but for dads and carers, too. Mostly, it’s a minefield for our boys.
How I approached it with my son
It’s not always easy having a conversation with teenage boys, but persevering pays dividends.
- 1. I reviewed his relationship with women - I’ve found that, while my son feels shy talking to girls at school, he’s more relaxed with females he’s grown up with (e.g. relatives and family friends), so I gently encourage these relationships. I remind him that the girls at school will be feeling just as insecure as he is. It’s worth being aware that ‘boys with low self-esteem and poor social skills, who don’t have healthy friendships and relationships with girls, may be vulnerable to indoctrination by toxic influencers,’ says Alicia Drummond, the founder of Teen Tips and The Wellbeing Hub. 'So, if your child lacks confidence keep an extra eye out'.
- 2. I don’t allow (or use) disrespectful language - Last month, my son asked me if it was ok to call a woman a bitch, even if it wasn’t to their face. No stars for guessing what my response was. However, the fact he asked suggests he knew it was wrong (he was probably testing boundaries, too), so I calmly explained why it was a degrading term, even as a joke. I’ve also become aware of the language I use about men and myself. A casual ‘dickhead’ remark if a driver cuts me up could be perceived as negative by my son, as can calling myself a ‘stupid cow’ if I’ve dropped the milk. If I’m saying these thing about others and myself, what’s that telling him?
- 3. I pay attention to who he's following online - When my son shows me a funny meme on TikTok or Instagram, I’ll have a quick scroll through his phone to see who he’s following, then I try to enquire casually and without judgement. ‘Ask: Who are you following? What ideas do they have? What do you think about those ideas? What would you do if you saw something that you found upsetting?’ says Alicia. If you see or hear anything alarming don’t panic or get angry or they might retreat.
- 4. I compliment him (and others) - My mum used to say, ‘If you don’t have anything good to say about someone, don’t say anything at all’. While that’s easier said than done at times, I’ve found that since I’ve starting talking more positively at home, my son’s responded to this. So, my partner and I big each other up in front of our son; I tell him his dad’s a great cook/supportive boss; and we tell our son regularly that it’s ok to be fed up/angry/sad/upset and that we love it when he's kind/funny/caring. The more your child hears positive, enthusiastic words, the more they’ll (hopefully) adhere to them.
- 5. I ask questions - If my son says something 'bad' and I respond with, 'You can't say that!' he gets very embarrassed that he 'got it wrong'. Now I say, 'Why do you think that?' By posing it as a question, he has time to think and consider why what he said may have been demeaning. Phil Mitchell, a senior accredited therapist specialising in working with male victims of abuse, advises, ‘If any child – boy or girl – expresses derogatory views about the opposite sex, this should be explored and discussed along with how young people see themselves.'
- 6. I avoid lectures - I'm conscious this could cause my son to become defensive and less likely to open up in the future (this has certainly been experience). Alicia suggests, ‘Rather than criticising, try to get them thinking. You might says things like: "Do you think your views about women are ok?" or "How do you think you’d feel if someone treated your little sister/cousin/mother like that?"' I've found this to be one of the most effective ways of getting my son to question his relationships, rather than sounding like an attack.
- 7. I ask how he feels about himself - Each time my son puts himself down, I correct him and tell him he's funny/bright/kind/helpful – and give examples, so it sounds believable. Phil says, if your son has become worried about how he looks or how much he weighs, or he’s putting himself down in terms of "traditional masculinity", this could also be a red flag. Now, I keep an eye on my son's diet, exercise levels and any requests for protein powders or energy drinks.
- 8. I avoid the term ‘toxic masculinity’ - I found that when I used the term 'toxic masculinity', my son became defensive and rightly so, I referenced it at first, so my son knew what I was talking about, and then moved away from it. Phil agrees, 'Parents need to focus less on masculinity being a problem and more on masculinity being a healthy and natural expression in many boys and young men.'
- 9. I speak openly and honestly - I know the most important thing is to talk about the messages my son may be seeing - even if he seemingly doesn't want to. ‘If we don’t, we won’t give children an alternative perspective or narrative for what they’re seeing, and without an alternative narrative, why wouldn’t they believe that what they’re watching is what they should be doing?,’ says Alicia.
What does 'toxic masculinity' look like?
This is how toxic masculinity can manifest – not only towards women, but towards how boys/men feel about themselves.
Against women: believing men at the dominant sex, and that women have their place; ‘benevolent sexism’ (a patronising attitude towards females); resorting to violence, emotional abuse or derogatory language against women.
Against themselves: not talking about feelings; needing to be ‘tough’, physically strong, assertive or good at everything; hiding tears or their feelings of vulnerability; homophobia; being afraid to admit they’re gay or bisexual.
Why we've seen a rise in 'toxic masculinity'`
- Social media - We all know, these days it's hard to keep kids safe on social media - and it plays a a huge part in influencing impressionable teens, and that this is spilled over into our children’s lives outside the home.
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Online pornography - ‘Reports show sexual harassment (both on and offline) is a serious problem in our schools', says Alicia. 'Social media and online influencers who seek to indoctrinate boys into anti-feminist ideology - along with the availability of online pornography - lie at the root of the issue.’
She added, ‘Pornography has led to the normalisation of violence in sexual relationships.' The good news is that talking to your children about pornographycan correct this, and schools are also working on the issue. ‘Messaging around consent and behaviour within relationships has become more helpful in promoting discussion.' adds Alicia. -
'Men shaming' - In less than a decade, there's been a powerful backlash against men, which – while fair from a female perspective – can feel very personal to young boys who are trying to find their way in the world, and who may feel like they're being tarred with the same brush as abusive males. 'While the Me Too movement and the Everyone’s Invited website highlighted the inappropriate behaviour of some boys and young men, it resulted in education that shamed them,' explains Alicia.
I've had numerous conversations with my son about this, as has my partner. Explaining thousands of years of female oppression to a child is tricky, and I've found that the best way to do this is to counteract it with the good men do, too. I also make sure to say that I don't think this of my son; rather, I'm explaining how things were or are, so he can understand.
Hard facts and statistics can be useful here, so it's worth checking Women's Aid for info you can share. - Home environments - Environment plays a part, too – if boys are exposed to violence or misogyny at home this will colour their world view. It's thought that, in England and Wales alone, 1 in 4 women will be subjected to domestic abuse and 1 in 5 kids will live with an abusive adult. That's not to say that a child who is exposed to this will become abusive, but it can play a huge part in their emotional development.
Is the phrase 'toxic masculinity' unhelpful?
Youth charity Young Minds defines toxic masculinity as ‘a term used to describe the negative aspects of exaggerated masculine traits, which boys and men may feel a pressure to conform to because of cultural or societal expectations.’
Some experts argue, that while this term is a convenient description, we shouldn’t be using it. 'It’s deeply important not to refer to masculinity as “toxic”, which shames and blames boys. This will shut down important conversations that explore masculinity in helpful ways,’ says Alicia. ‘Furthermore, it drives boys to seek places where it’s OK to be male, which can land them in the problematic world of online hate and make them vulnerable to the influencers who promote the objectification, dehumanisation, control, and violation of women.’ Instead, we should talk about positive masculinity.
One pilot study from 2020 highlights how most participants thought the term “toxic masculinity” insulting, probably harmful to boys, and unlikely to help men’s behaviour.
What other parents say
Here, three mums talk about their experiences and what helped.
'The aggression was troubling - my son had an arsenal of ideas to belittle his sister and mock females'
Nicole, London:
‘The toxicity began about two-and-a-half years ago – it reared up and bit us hard during the rise of Andrew Tate. My son is very dyslexic and was really struggling to adapt to year 7 – truly a jungle for a lot of youngsters, a lot of vying for power and trying to adapt trying to win respect. So when Andrew Tate began to give vulnerable (and not so vulnerable) boys a way of 'winning' they were ready and listening.
‘I noticed a noticable change in my son’s language and attitude. This became arguments and fighting with his sister. She's a determined young person who was used to being able to direct the relationship with her little brother. This changed – not entirely a bad or unnatural thing – but I think it was accelerated by Andrew Tate and his ilk. The language used between the two of them and the levels of aggression were troubling. My son had at his disposal an arsenal of language and ideas to belittle his sister and mock females. Refereeing between my son and daughter was extremely difficult. I think it was damaging in the short-term but has perhaps built a new level of understanding between them.
‘I think many young men are quite confused by the gender conversations
there are today – it's hard to negotiate successfully and can easily polarise. Masculinity has also undergone many attacks from a widening base, and I think that young men want to reclaim a sense of pride in being male. Negotiating these shifting sands is difficult for anyone, let alone when you’re young and have little context and life experience.
‘My advice? Don’t accept disrespectful language or behaviour at any time. Push back and clamp down immediately. Get involved – watch Andrew Tate to understand. This was really important, to be able to hold an informed and balanced discussion with my son, to not be ignorant when I ask him not to be! Know your subject, be open minded, don't panic, and believe in your son.’
'He saw us an old and the internet as representative of his generation'
Hannah, London:
‘Smartphones have given younger teens access to the internet and ways of finding out things without their parents knowing. Lockdown cemented this. I noticed when my son was 14, he began to talk about the ideal male face and body. He then started to show me pictures of impossibly muscular individuals with huge jawlines that he’d found online. I contradicted it, telling him that women don’t like that type of man, but he told me that I was old and didn’t know. His self-esteem plummeted and he started to dislike himself. We found that he had tried to buy growth hormone online. With him, it was all about how he saw himself as lacking.
‘I would look out for negative self-talk beyond the usual - and very specific stuff about different body parts not being up to the perceived ideal. Luckily. we had open lines of communication, but he wasn’t open to critiquing these ideas.
Because he saw us as old and the internet as representative of his generation, it was very difficult to break through. But we kept saying what we thought, calmly suggesting he think about what the motivation is for people to put these things out there.
‘It’s a long game that parents have to play, and I think a lot is about brain development and how they need to think differently to you. When they’re ready, they’ll begin to see other perspectives.
BEAT, an eating disorder charity (as he began to restrict food) were helpful. I spoke to his uncle and his cousin in his 20s who’d also experienced this sort of online material and he was able to give us some context.’
'Homophobia is rife in teenage boys and my son doesn’t want to become a target'
Lisa, Yorkshire:
‘I think there’s been a rise in toxic masculinity because of shifting gender roles, a backlash to the Me Too Movement which has given the likes of Andrew Tate a platform, and accessibility of online porn and the dominance and violence towards women a lot of that content contains. Signs can hard to pinpoint as everyone experiences things differently, but from what I’ve seen, higher levels of anger and frustration and/or a change in mood such as depression or anxiety could be signs of toxic masculinity, as well as an inability to express emotions and a suppression of who they are. My son is gay and while his family and female friends know, he’s not shared this with his school friends, because, I believe, homophobia is rife in teenage boys and he doesn’t want to become a target.
‘I’ve talked to my son about the importance of consent since he was little – whether that’s asking another child if they can play with their toy to, more crucially, sexual consent. Ask, don’t take, and NEVER assume. I frequently talk to my son about the fear all women feel walking through a dimly-lit park, so he understands that the threat of physical and sexual assault is something we’re forced to live with. And when he was old enough to understand, I talked to him about porn to mitigate his perception of what he is watching. I warned him that it’s not representative of real sex. I also make him help around the house and do chores to counteract expectations that I should do it because I’m a woman. Fortunately, he sees my partner do (almost!) as much cooking and cleaning as me, which rejects the notion that it’s “women’s work”.
If parents are concerned, don’t ignore it but don’t try to force an answer. Let your kid feel like they can trust you, let them feel safe. There’ll always be things they won’t want to talk about, but a safe environment will help. I always encourage him to speak to me about how he is feeling. which he often does, and he sees a counsellor at school now, who helps him find ways to express his emotions in a healthy way.’
Further advice
Young people’s charity, Young Minds, has a helpful article on toxic masculinity written by a 17-year-old boy, which you could show your child.
For parents, Phil suggests Martin Seager’s work around male archetypes and creating male-friendly services, while Alicia recommends Laura Bates. ‘She’s written two brilliantly researched books on the subject: Everyday Sexism and Men Who Hate Women.’
