Thinking of heading out to the Carolina Panthers and Atlanta Falcons’ matchup this Sunday? You picked a great time because some seats are apparently going for no more than $13 in sections of the resale market.
Now, that said, this is my warning to you. Do NOT spend money on watching the 2023 Panthers — who are in the running to finish as one of the worst teams in NFL history — if you can help it. A one-win team is not worth the trouble of travel and sitting in a likely more-than-half-empty stadium in the middle of December. If you can do literally anything else, if you can spend your money on whatever else comes to mind, then do it. Don’t hesitate!
With that in mind, I’ve pieced together a perfect guide for you sad Panthers fans seriously considering heading to Carolina to watch “football” this Sunday. Trust me: all of the below purchases will give you A LOT more satisfaction.
I swear, Panthers fans. I’m trying to help your sanity.
1
Listerine Cool Mint Pocketpacks, so your breath doesn't stink ($5.34)
Look, a fresh mouth with good breath is key for any social interaction. And for a little over $5! Unless you still want to go to the Panthers game, in which I won’t necessarily discourage having bad breath for opposing Falcons fans (who will probably outnumber you).
2
A switch-blade folding pocket comb ($5.05) because you've gotta look cool in a tough situation
With apologies to our resident Rhode Island native Christian D’Andrea, I’m not sure anyone needs a switch-blade pocket comb (?). But I know this bad boy will be much more than useful than holding onto any “memories” from the 2023 Panthers’ season.
3
A Krazy Straw ($9.99), because they're so much fun! (Unlike the Panthers)
Oh my god. Are you telling me I can get an awesome bendy straw that folds INTO my name? Sorry, Bryce Young. Some things in life just bring more joy.
4
A brightening Vitamin C facemask ($15), because the Panthers have worn you out
Taking care of your skin is important. You only get one long blanket of cells over your vital organs, folks! And if, for some reason, you have followed all the Panthers’ exploits this year, I’m willing to bet you’ve developed another huge wrinkle or two on your face. Isn’t being an NFL fan so much fun?
Have no fear, robust skin care is here!
5
A "deep sleep" bath bomb ($10), because the Panthers are a mess of stress
I don’t know about you, but I love a good relaxing soak every now and then. And if I were a Panthers fan (thankfully, I am not. I root for the slightly less miserable Bears), I’d probably be taking a bath every night. Food for thought.
6
A 12-ounce carton of Dubble Bubble gumballs ($3.49), because who doesn't love munching on unholy amounts of gum
I’m onto you, Big Gumball! It’s totally not just inflation price-gouging ruining the gumball spirit! Back in my day (the early 2000s), you could get a single gumball for 25 cents. Wait … there are 154 here? Scratch that. What a steal! That’s 154 times the fun the Panthers will actually give you if you attend their games in person.
7
Playing cards ($10) with some of your favorite musicians (???)
(David Bowie voice): Instead of going to a Panthers game, we could steal time for just one day. We can be heroes forever and ever, what do ya say?
8
A fancy drinking glass ($6), because the Panthers ... oh, you get it
I’m not condoning washing away the pain of another inevitable Panthers loss with alcohol, but I’m also not not doing it?
Anyway, I’m really sorry, Panthers fans. I wish I could say it gets better, but hoo boy, this is the NFL. You know better than that. It can always get sadder and more depressing, and it probably will!
