Happily-ever-afters are rarer than you might think. According to research, 85% of people will experience a breakup in their lifetime, while two-thirds of couples end up breaking up within half a year of becoming parents for the first time. The reality is that not everyone is compatible, nor is everyone willing to work hard on their flaws. And sometimes, the signs are clear for everyone to see.
Internet user u/peachsnatch sparked a vulnerable online discussion on r/AskReddit after asking everyone to share what their exes have done that should’ve made them leave right then and there. Scroll down for their stories and what major relationship red flags look like.
#1
Told me “he’s just a cat, you’ll be okay.” When my best friend died.
Image credits: inkydinky23
#2
Making me feel bad for bringing up something that made me uncomfortable, insecure, sad, angry, or any other emotion.
Image credits: EstimateJealous1388
#3
Cheated on me at the start. She said she was sorry and I thought we could move from it. We didn't.
Image credits: CmBucket_3000
No relationship is perfect, sure, but they’re not all made equal. Happy and healthy relationships require a ton of consistent effort to maintain, as well as a lot of compatibility between the partners. Good communication, transparency, trust, honesty, mutual respect, a willingness to compromise—without these things, the relationship might not last very long.
There’s a difference between yellow flags (which tell you to slow down in the relationship) and red flags (which tell you to get out of the relationship ASAP). Clinical psychologist Wendy Walsh, PhD, told Verywell Mind that some examples of red flags include a history of violence, chronic cheating, or substance abuse. Meanwhile, a yellow flag “might include difficulty with emotional communication that the person is aware of and working on.”
#4
Disrespected me only "joking".
Image credits: Maria_Navalha666
#5
She hit me. A lot. She was also verbally abusive and made fun of my PTSD from military service. I finally worked up the courage to leave a few months ago.
Image credits: potmakesmefeelnormal
#6
She spat in my face during an argument. I should have ended it there, but I was dumb enough to stick around a couple of weeks more, when she did it again.
Image credits: Banff_Beer
Some other major signs that your relationship probably won’t work out is if you and your partner have extremely mismatched life goals. For example, if you want to get married and have kids while they don’t, there’s not much of a future there. Similarly, if you dream about living in the suburbs or on a ranch in the countryside while your partner wants to stay in the city, you might have a hard time moving forward. (Unless you sacrifice all of your hopes, dreams, and goals for them, but that’d only lead to resentment and frustration from your side.)
Other red flags include excessive jealousy and distrust, which indicate that your partner is very insecure and has issues with control. A good rule of thumb is to rethink your relationship if your partner is excessively controlling. If your partner tries to control who you meet, where you go, what you wear, how you spend your hard-earned money, and what you do online, it’s definitely not healthy.
#7
She was at my place, said she had to go home. I said something along the lines of "okay, have a safe trip back." She got mad at me for not fighting for her to stay longer. It felt so immature. I have no interest in games, only clear and open communication. I dumped her the next day.
#8
When he broke my ribs and my hand. But instead I forgave him... that time.
Image credits: OneOldBear
#9
Consistent disrespect, belittling or talking down, especially in front of others.
Image credits: TemptingHeartBabe
At what point did you realize that you had to leave your exes, dear Pandas? What were the biggest red flags that you saw in their behavior?
What advice would you give someone who is in a toxic relationship but is scared of breaking things off? Share your thoughts in the comments.
#10
When I got the call that my grandmother had unexpectedly passed, I was understandably distraught. The usual meltdown with tears and wailing from the utter shock of the whole thing.
He apparently “couldn’t handle” the state I was in and was very upset at my reaction. So I ended up comforting him the whole night/day after instead of properly grieving the loss of someone who was essentially my second mother.
Image credits: Classic_Screen_825
#11
Manipulating me into not going out, seeing friends, meeting new people, having hobbies on my own. Basically anything that caused us to not be together 24/7.
Image credits: ZwaanAanDeMaas
#12
Would lie about the smallest things that didn't matter if she thought I wouldn't like the truth. Surprise surprise she lied about bigger things...
Image credits: Alternative_Simple_3
#13
Chasing me down the highway after a fight, passing and braking in front of me until I pulled over. The knots you can tie yourself into at 20 to convince yourself that reckless and abusive behaviour is somehow romantic is absolutely insane.
Image credits: strangelittlething
#14
Threw my phone off a 7th story balcony while raging drunk, convinced that I was cheating on her....yeah kept dating her for another two years RIP me.
Image credits: Severe-Chemistry9922
#15
Ultimatums. I gave in to the first one not really recognizing the ultimatum. For years after that it was one thing after another until it was one bridge too far.
#16
She took the keys out of my car while I was driving on the highway.
Image credits: BestShivvyNA
#17
Didn't tell other men who hit on her that we were engaged.
Image credits: RoutineComplaint4711
#18
She wasn’t happy when I was around.
Image credits: Chrissyjustshowus
#19
Man. Where to start. No didn't mean no. She cheated on me. Threw knives at me. Held a knife to my throat in a argument. Tried to run me over a couple times. Lied. A lot. Spilled personal secrets like they meant nothing.
#20
Ex number 1 (wife) - Banging other dudes
Ex number 2 - Ambushing me in my sleep and beating the s**t out of me
Ex number 3 - The third or fourth time I had to make sure she stayed dressed while carrying her out of a formal work event
I got myself into counselling after seeing a pattern.
#21
We lived together. Well, she lived in my house. Didn't contribute financially to anything. Groceries, mortgage, cable/internet/house phone, all me. She got offended when I sent out invitations to a fourth of July party and listed the location as "my house" instead of "our house." We did eventually break up, but it took a long time.
#22
In June of last year I spent nearly a month in hospital. After I finally got discharged I get home and she tells me that she got the guest room set up for me. Her excuse for making me sleep in the guest room was "you're on penicillin and I'm allergic to it". It didn't make sense to me at all and stung so much after almost a month of having very little human interaction.
About six months later I found out that she was cheating on me while I was sick.
#23
One night my cat was dying and I had organised to go and take him to be euthanised. He said why spend money when he could just hit him over the head?
In the same night I came back from the vets to bury my beloved kit cat, he thought I was being unfaithful (I now know projecting) and went through my phone as I sat and cried.
He didn’t find anything except contacts he didn’t know- he created a group what’s app thread on my phone, with all male contacts (my bosses, colleagues, my brothers, cousins, etc) and sent nude photos he’d taken of me and posted in that chat.
I feel one of my brothers has never been the same with me & the horror of having to go to work the next day is something I’ll always carry.
#24
She wouldn’t get divorced… Her and her husband were separated and living separate lives but she was still legally married. I asked and pleaded for to get divorced for years. By year 5 along with other problems we had i bailed. I should have never of stayed as long as i did. Lesson learned.
Image credits: CountBreichen
#25
When I saw he cared so much about his ex wife and the son they had together, at first I believed he was just a good man who wanted to be a good father and a good ex… and then he started treating me and our daughter as if we were dissposable, but never stopped spoiling his ex. It took me a while to accept it, but I finally left and I’m very happy I did.
#26
In my first serious relationship, there was a lot of s**t he did that I turned a blind eye to because I was desperate to be loved. I think a major one was that he would grab and jerk my steering wheel around at high speeds and laugh that I was scared. People who do that do not care about you. I should've left before it even started, but when you grow up with abuse, it looks like love. It takes a lot to realize it's not normal and that you deserve better.
#27
He said that he will hurt me from the beginning, instead of thinking that it won’t be like that or that I am smarter, I simply should have left. They know themselves, sometimes got to listen and hear it and I would have spared a lot of my mental health. Now whenever someone says that they are not a good person, can’t commit or say that it never ends well - it’s more than enough for me to say thanks for the heads up and bye.
#28
He beat my dogs. That should've been the end of it, but the real end of it was when he threatened to beat my kid. I still feel ashamed that I didn't leave long before that.
#29
Watched a movie that made me cry because I was abused by a family member as a child.
Cried to her. Inconsolable at points. She tried to make a move on me whilst crying and when I rejected she cried and slept in the spare room. Why didn't I leave.
#30
Cheated. Repeatedly. I lacked the finances, resources and self respect/esteem to leave for a long time.
#31
Spent more time speaking to people on her phone rather than me.
Image credits: Big-Combination5015
#32
When I was told men "aren't allowed to be progressive" from my ex. Put up with a lot more s**t than I should have in that relationship.
Image credits: Project_Jormagandr
#33
He was a very possessive guy but at this point we already had a child together. I was in medical school at the time and he was a clerk at a government institution. He was so insecure of all my male friends in medical school. One time he accused me of cheating with one of them and he got so aggressive he started choking me with two hands and put his weight on my neck. I could see his eyes filled with anger and got so scared that he would really k*ll me. I clutched at his arms until he calmed down and he said sorry and that it won’t happen again. I forgave him (IDK why I did, maybe because of our son) but it has never happened again since. There were no further instances of violence but we broke up years later because of his insecurity especially after I became licensed as a doctor.
#34
Made other plans on my birthday.
Image credits: UhohSantahasdiarrhea
#35
Made me work out a lot and told me I was perfectly healthy when I developed an ED. Now he's married and they can share their ED. And I love to cook and eat and work out a normal amount with my partner. Happy end I guess.
#36
For context, the first girl I was ever in love with, and in a relationship with had passed away in a housefire at a young age. My ex after showing her a picture of the two of us when we were together when we were young said to me, "damn I thought she would be prettier like me, at least now you got someone who’s pretty though." never have I told someone get the f**k out of my house so fast. When she got out to my front porch she said, "wait can we talk about this." and I slammed the damn door and told her to leave. I spent the rest of the night crying my eyes out because I couldn’t believe that someone was so heartless. I opened up to her something that truly meant the world to me and I was beyond nervous to share with her and she showed me exactly why I should’ve never told her in the first place. It absolutely broke me.
#37
When I found out she was cheating. She got a text from a guy (who she said was just a friend) saying "Send me another sexy pic". She swore he was just joking, but I knew the truth. I already had my suspicions. But she and I just had a baby, and I felt like I couldn't break up with her. She cheated on me multiple times afterwards. We ended up breaking up around two years later, and I got full custody of our kid. All's well that ends well.
#38
We were dating and I found out she was cheating on her husband. I called her husband and we set it up that when she went home I’d call and confront her. So he told me when she was home and I called their house and he answered the phone and immediately handed it to her. Everything was out and on the table. She showed up on my doorstep about an hour later and I let her in. One of my greatest regrets….ugh.
#39
When she told me she couldn't afford to pay me 250 for rent that month, then the next day she bought tickets to go see Wicked for her and her friend for 250.
#40
Gave up our new puppy because “it was hard”.
#41
When he said he talks to mixed/lightskin girls because “white girls are weird/crazy” and “black women are dirty”…then when he doubled back when I asked him what his dream life would be and he said a house in a the mountains or country married to a white woman (he’s a darkskin black man)…I was the biggest pick me.
#42
Freak out and start fights over nothing, put herself in danger or act like she might hurt herself if I left or disengaged, chase me when I tried to leave, block doors with her body to trap me so I couldn't get away, talk in circles for hours over what I did or should have done or could do differently to contribute to a better outcome, bait me into situations that would trigger her, made me feel like everything was always my fault and that we were always one degree away from everything making sense and working perfectly. I was at a low point and in a vulnerable place already. Never again.
#43
My 4ft 11 ex gf broke my nose in my sleep because at a work function she was invited to I talked to the boss's niece. Cool thing about it is when I showed up to work with 2 black eyes everyone laughed at me. Imagine if I a 6ft ex British army boxer broke my 4ft 11 gfs nose in her sleep sure it would be just as hilarious.
#44
He told me i should just k*ll myself when i was having bad thoughts and asking him for help… and then he said if i seriously died he would get over it after 2 weeks..
I stayed with him for 6 more months after that.. those were horrible, he spoke bad of my family, made fun of me, mentally abused me and tried to manipulate me. He even openly admitted to it. I wasn’t myself while i was together with him at all and it seriously f****d me up.
Luckily he broke up with me because apparently he's into men now.
#45
Got really upset when I refused to go into the bathroom and fetch a towel for her that was literally within arm's reach of the shower, where she was.
This was long before the "orange peel test" and looking back I realize that's what it was. At the time I had no idea, it just seemed like she was spinning a b******t conflict out of thin air, which ofc was also a correct assessment.
It shook me up and I seriously considered ending it then. This was before we moved in together, so I really should have tbh.
#46
Signed me up for a slow pitch team with her and her friends without telling me....just a couple weeks after I asked her to play with my work team and she gave a litany of excuses as to why she couldn't.
great insight to the causes of a lot of unnecessary future arguments.
#47
She broke up with me because she said we are not compatible and I take long( 2 hours was thr maximumi stayed before texting back) sometimes to respond to her texts and that causes her extreme anxiety and that she won't be able to come live in my city anymore because her mother told her to focus on her studies. I said okay and wished her the best then ghosted her. She called and texted me non stop for 5 days so we can get back together and said she was sorry it was a mistake. I was stupid enough to accept.
#48
Punched me in the eye with a fist full of keys all sticking out from between her knuckles.
#49
She went through my laptop to check for messages from other women to see if I was cheating - I wasn’t.
#50
She’d go out drinking at college parties every. single. night. for a whole week. Each night had to physically carry her to bed. Where she’d proceed to p**s on everything, all for me to clean up the next day.
Like a chump I hung around for all nearly 7 days before I was like “I think I’m done with dating”.
#51
Put us on break then got a hookup… should’ve never talked to her again but she told me after our break was over, if I found out before wanting her back the whole time I wouldn’t of even responded to her. She didn’t think she cheated, but in my opinion she did.
#52
Did not prioritize me or our relationship. Looking back, I carried the relationship for way too long.
#53
Told me he dreamt of asserting his dominance by f*****g someone else’s wife someday and that I should be happy to be with an alpha male. Dunno how I stayed with that one for several more years and a ton of b******t later.
Second worst dude I’ve ever been with pulled the ol’ “I live with my girlfriend but we’re not together anymore” after lying to me about the situation for several weeks ? should’ve bounced then but I was in a bad place after a breakup and clung on. That ended well, of course.
I’m dumb with men.
#54
In 5 years I went from being a person that I knew and honestly loved. Fast forward to now, I hate I exist. I don’t know myself anymore, I’m so unkind to myself, and I don’t trust myself. Im 33 and I don’t hope for anything spectacular to happen in my life, I just hope for peace one day.
#55
Didn’t challenge me intellectually and avoided conflict at all costs, sharing no emotions or being vulnerable ever so I never knew when anything was wrong.
#56
I was younger and dumber. She was hearting guys pics and I walked out the door to leave and she found a glass shard and sliced up her arm, she also in another instance drank bleach and threw up all over our bathroom. I could go on for days the crazy stuff she did but I made the dumbest decision of all time having a baby with her. The first time we tried she had a miscarriage at work because of an Iron deficiency in which the miscarriage was probably a warning from God saying doing it was a bad idea but I didn’t listen. Now ever since I left her and kicked her out of my house she tells people and posts all over social media about how I constantly got drunk, beat and r*ped her she tells people I punched her and caused the miscarriage and makes visiting with my son very hard every time I go to pick him up to this day. I’ve never vented about this before so it feels good to get this out.
#57
Made me feel like I was just an option. When we broke up she had a baby with someone else so yeah, maybe I was. Should have left earlier.
#58
Told me everything she felt i did wrong in the relationship, would not give me the space to say things i didn’t like that she did in the relationship. would literally walk out of the house when i started talking and say she needs space from me.
I had no voice. As soon as i noticed that, i should’ve left.
#59
There was an art exhibit that brought Van Gogh's art to life, I knew she was a big fan of his art. So I bought tickets, along with some like vip goodies for her. She convinced me to give her the tickets for her and her best friend to go. We had just started to date, so I was trying to just be as agreeable as I could...
The worst was seeing her post pics of her and her friend up and said something like "best date ever" with her (the best friend). Because it WOULD have been the best date. It was one of my more romantic ideas, and I should have known better...
#60
The patterns of casual emotional abuse disguised as attempts to "better myself" (i.e. do what she wanted and thought was right) that kept on repeating, and repeating, and repeating...
#61
Refused to clean. At best did a subpar job. Got to the pont where i expected her to just clean 1 room each day. Low expectations. But half the time not even that would happen. Couldn't (or at this point I'm thinking wouldn't) hold down a job for more than about a month.
#62
Told me not to worry about her new coworker and that he's "just a friend". She dumped me for him a week shy of our 2 year anniversary.
#63
I've had my fair share of bad relationships. Cheaters, manipulators, substance abusers. But the one thing I would say is the biggest red flag these days, because it always came up in those other relationships, is saying "I don't deserve someone like you" without a prompt. If you've done something grandiose and lovely, it can be a natural reaction. But when somebody says it when you're just treating them like a normal person? They believe it and will act like it.
#64
"I'm on tinder, *just* looking for friends. They have a friends setting now.".
#65
It's what he didn't do, actually. The neglect was off the chain, like I wasn't even there... but it didn't bother me after 10 years; I became numb to it, and didn't care anymore. I formed a social life, hobbies, etc., had fun without him. I stuck it out for 20 years. I had my reasons. I'm extremely happy now.
#66
Straight up told me in so many words he wanted to groom high school girls (we’d gotten together while I was still in high school and he was…. Not in high school - I was still in the stupid “we’re different” mentality but now know that no matter the specifics it’s all a different shade of the same f****d up painting.) I told him it was a f****d up thing to want let alone tell me but for some reason I didn’t leave on the spot. I think this along with a handful of other occasions is what chipped me away. They say women don’t leave all at once. I can attest to that.
#67
Picked a fight with me when I was sick. I got sick after carring for him while he was ill few days before.
#68
That she cheated on her ex fiance. Red flag right at the get go, but I thought i was at 6 flags so f**k it we ball.
#69
When he picked me up and threw me on the ground in front of his friends. 13 years later it ended.
#70
We had a plan to sign up for a student dorm apartment together. It was us and 2 other good friends. She changed her mind and signed up with other friends instead when the application opened. I found out a week after the application started because I asked her so when should we apply....
#71
We have NEVER been on a date. Ever. We have been together for two and a half years. I got flowers ONCE for my name day, when we were together for only just 2 weeks. Never again. He never met my friends, always excused himself or just came up with some pathetic excuse. He did not get me anything for our first anniversary -> fight-> solution: “I will do wonders for the second I promise!” Yeah he bought me a wind jacket… gah.
