It wouldn’t be Christmas without a few truly groan-worthy jokes. From classic knock-knock gags and festive puns to Santa jokes, cheeky elves and Christmas-cracker one-liners, this collection has something for every sense of humour.
Whether you’re trying to break the ice, entertain the family, or start a friendly who-can-tell-the-best-joke competition, these Christmas jokes are guaranteed to raise a smile. Consider them as essential to the season as tinsel, trees, and baubles.
Santa Claus jokes
- Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ‘hohoho’.
- Why doesn’t Santa drink reindeer milk? Because he’s on a deery-free diet.
- How did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker.
- What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
- What do you call a Santa living at the South Pole? A lost Claus.
- What's St. Nick's favourite measurement in the metric system? The Santametre
- What is Santa’s drag name? Sleigh Queen.
- What does Santa spend his money on? Jingle bills.
- What goes ‘Oh, oh, oh’? Santa walking backwards.
- Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee? Because they're Santa's star bucks!
Christmas tree jokes
- What do Christmas trees get when they go numb? Pines and needles.
- What do Christmas trees wear at the pool? Trunks.
- What do you call a Christmas tree that only appears in action movies? Spruce Willis.
- What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple.
- Why did the Christmas tree go to the Dr? It was feeling green.
- What’s another name for an artificial Christmas tree? Faux Fir.
- What looks like half a Christmas tree? The other half.
- What’s a Christmas tree's favourite sweet? Orna-mints.
- Who is a Christmas tree’s favourite singer? Spruce Springsteen.
- What did the Christmas tree do after its bank closed? It started its own branch.
Christmas Cracker jokes
- What do angry mice send each other at Christmas? Cross mouse cards.
- What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days.
- Why did Santa’s helper see a therapist? He had low elf esteem.
- How did Scrooge win the football game? The Ghost of Christmas passed.
- Did Rudolph go to school? No, he was elf-taught.
- Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
- How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet? 25 - because there’s no L.
- What do you call a deer who can’t see? No eye deer.
- What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsellitis.
- What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerky.
Christmas knock-knock jokes
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly.
- Knock, knock! Who's there? Holly. Holly who? Holly-days are coming holly-days are coming.
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ho Ho. Ho Ho who? Your Santa impression needs a little work!
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good Christmas joke?
- Knock, knock Who’s there? Honda. Honda who? Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me…
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snow time to waste. It’s almost Christmas!
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Alaska. Alaska who? Alaska Santa for a new bike.
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Hannah. Hannah who? Hannah partridge in a pear tree.
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Rabbit. Rabbit who? Rabbit up carefully, it’s a present.
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Mary and Abbey. Mary and Abbey who? Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!
Christmas elf jokes
- What make of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
- What's the first thing elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
- Why did the elf sleep in the fireplace? Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
- What do you call an elf who learns independently? Elf-taught.
- What's the best way to gain confidence? To believe in your elf.
- What is elves' favourite sport? Miniature golf.
- What do you do if you can't hire a professional? Do it your elf.
- What goes inside elves' pointy shoes? Their mistletoes.
- What do you get when an elf passes wind? Jingle smells.
- What do you call an elf who wins the lottery? Welfy.
