From BFFs to frenemies, the teen social scene is a whirlwind. But with a little support, they can turn those challenges into a foundation for healthy relationships in the future.
Remember those days of meticulously planned playdates and knowing every single one of your child's friends? Yeah, those days are long gone once they hit their teens. Suddenly, their social life is a bit of a mystery, so when friendship drama hits, it can be difficult to know how to help, especially if your teen’s not talking to you.
But here's the thing: they're not the only ones going through this. Friendship struggles are practically a teenage rite of passage. And while it's tough to see your teen stressed, navigating these tricky social waters is actually a huge part of growing up and finding their own way in the world.
Feeling a bit lost yourself? Here child psychologist Dr. Martha Deiros Collado offers her top tips on how parents can help…
4 most common friendship anxieties
- They fear judgement and embarrassment when meeting new people.
- They rely on friends to suggest meet-ups for fear that any plans they suggest might get no response.
- They seek reassurance from friends such as, “Do you hate me?” or “Are you mad at me?” when they have taken longer than expected to respond to their messages (e.g. after a holiday).
- They experience ‘fear of missing out’ (FOMO). This might be linked to social media and/or messaging apps but it can also be a perception that while they are home or doing a boring task, others are having fun together.
No one can be friends with everyone or liked by all, and this shouldn’t be something we aspire for our children. Building healthy friendships is a messy path that requires the complex skills of communication, listening, vulnerability, perspective-taking, empathy, confidence, boundaries, intuition and self-regulation. Anxiety can make it harder for your teenager to connect with others and lead them to worry about the quality of their friendships.
In reality, some degree of friendship anxiety is normal for teenagers and adults alike. I vividly remember my book launch party fearing none of my friends would show up. I knew at the time that this was anxiety speaking but it didn’t make the experience any easier.
What helped was getting vulnerable about my feelings and talking to my friends about it. This didn’t change that some were unavailable, some had to cancel last minute, and others were there on the day.
What changed was my perception of my friendships and reframing my thinking from “no one will care” to “my true friends care about me and want to celebrate me, even if they cannot attend”.
In reality, some degree of friendship anxiety is normal for teenagers and adults alike.
Having occasional worries around friendships is normal and it’s a sign of how much friendships matter. Research shows that good friendships are a protective balm when faced with life’s challenges, and you can help your teen move through friendships while taking steps to overcome the anxiety this might bring.
1. Start with yourself.
The way you respond to your child’s friendship anxiety and struggles will be in part shaped by the experiences you have in friendships. Try to journal these questions or talk about them with a good friend or partner if you feel safe enough to:
- What skills do you use to make friendships?
- What do you wish adults had taught you about friendships?
- How would this have changed your relationships in adulthood?
- What do you find hard about friendships?
- What words, images or stories does ‘losing a friend’ bring up for you?
2. Teach your teen to challenge negative thoughts
Feelings are not facts. Help your child swap anxiety’s voice into an objective viewpoint when thinking about friendships.
Get them to draw two columns on a piece of paper with their fears on one side and factual answers on the other. You may need to gently guide them through this process, ensuring the answers remain honest and grounded in reality.
For instance, if they write “Nobody likes me,” a more helpful response would be, “I invited five friends to my birthday, and they all came,” rather than, “Of course people like me, I’m a nice person.”
Similarly, if they write, “I never get invited out,” a constructive response might be, “I usually wait to be invited. Maybe others think I’m not interested in going out?” instead of, “Those friends are unkind, and I need to find new ones.”
3. Teach your teen its ok to be vulnerable
Friendship anxiety shrinks when we face the fear head on. Help your child have honest conversations about what upsets and worries them with a friend who they feel close to most of the time.
When teenagers share their anxieties about feeling left out, they often learn they’re not alone in their friendship anxiety. Being able to speak about feelings and get vulnerable with others is also a way to build skills in relational trust building with others.
4. Help your teenager define friendship values
What kind of friend does your teenager want to be? What do they bring to a friendship? What do they hope a friend would do for them? Answering these 3 questions can give your teenager clues about what a ‘good friendship’ means to them and help them take responsibility for their part in this too.
Not everyone will want to be friends with your teenager and the same is true for them. Realising this can free up space to shrink anxiety.
5. Talk about how friend make your teenager feel
You may want to give your child advice (e.g. “They’re a good friend, you should forgive them”) or tell them your truth (“You shouldn’t be friends with them”), but learning by experience and making mistakes is part of the process towards developing good friendships.
This doesn’t mean you passively watch as your child gets hurt in friendships, it means using curiosity to listen to your child and allow them to make sense of their experience. This might sound like:
- How did you feel when that happened?
- Is that what another friend would have done/said?
- What could they have said/done differently that would have been kinder/more helpful/less upsetting?
- Who makes you feel differently when you are with them?
- What do you want to do about what has happened?
- Is there anything I can do?
Friendships need big life skills that take time to learn and sometimes anxiety is part of the process. Try to offer a safe sounding board for the messy feelings, mistakes and wobbles your teenager might go through.
With your guidance and safe space, they will develop the skills they need to make and maintain friendships, if not for a lifetime, for a season at a time. And that, is enough.
Friendships are one thing, but what happens when your teen starts dating? We’ve got the tips to help you through that one, including what to do when they suffer from their first heartbreak. Or maybe your big issue is that your teen just won’t socialise and never seems to leave their room – don’t worry, it’s all perfectly normal!
