The calendar has flipped from September to October, which means it’s officially spooky season. Unless you’re the New England Patriots, in which case the entire season thus far has been a Saw movie. So grab your candy corn and pumpkin spice frappu-cappu-latte-chino or whatever it is you folks drink, and enjoy this week’s power rankings.
32. Chicago Bears
Justin Fields should dress like Antonio Brown for Halloween and run out of Soldier Field to get away from this God-forsaken franchise.
31. Denver Broncos
Congratulations on beating a bad Bears team and having to overcome a three-score deficit to do it. Russell Wilson looks more than salvageable, though, which is a huge plus.
30. New York Giants
Daniel Jones is just Jeff Driskel with a better agent. The Giants have a trip to Miami next- may God have mercy on their poor, unfortunate souls.
29. Carolina Panthers
The defense had a 99 yard pick-six and had an additional interception off Kirk Cousins and it still wasn’t enough. This offense is bad.
28. Atlanta Falcons
I appreciate that in honor of playing in the Toy Story simulcast, the Falcons pretended Andy was coming and played dead for 60 minutes against the Jaguars. Desmond Ridder is as reliable as Mr. Potato Head at quarterback, and Arthur Smith seems to be making it a point to not use his best players- not exactly a gameplan that’ll take you to infinity and beyond.
27. Las Vegas Raiders
Aidan O’Connell somehow looks both too young and too old to be an NFL quarterback. Props to the rookie, though, for keeping the Raiders from completely self-destructing. Unfortunately for him, though, they are still bad.
26. Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals are like Spike Dudley (wrestling fans will appreciate that comp). You know they probably won’t win, but they’ll fight like hell from beginning to end and make you earn your W.
25. Tennessee Titans
The Titans are that box of chocolates you get on Valentine’s Day- you never know what flavor you’ll get with each piece. “What’s this one? Oh wow, this one has caramel inside, that’s delightful. Let’s see what this one is… yup, that was the deodorant filled one, alright I’m done eating these chocolates.”
24. New Orleans Saints
Well, well, well- look who was right about the Saints. They tried tricking themselves into believing they were a quarterback away from being contenders, and their offense has been putrid with Derek Carr.
23. New York Jets
I’ll be the writer who says something nice about Zach Wilson. That guy has had every excuse and opportunity to pack it in and call it quits- he hasn’t. We can talk about him not living up to expectations after being drafted No. 2 overall, and those are fair criticisms. Calling him garbage on national TV? That’s ignorant.
22. New England Patriots
It truly is saying something when Bill Belichick gets dealt the most lopsided loss of his career. The Patriots are just the Jets with a legendary coach.
21. Cleveland Browns
DTR hive, let’s pour one out for our fearless prince. The lack of offense does raise a serious question, though- how much different would that game really have been if Deshaun Watson had started.
20. Pittsburgh Steelers
It’s about that time where we ask if a coaching change is needed in Pittsburgh, and I don’t just mean the offensive coordinator. This is starting to give off vibes of Andy Reid’s final year in Philadelphia. At least Steelers fans found what is likely Matt Canada’s burner account and had something to laugh at on Monday.
19. Minnesota Vikings
They tried their hardest to start 0-4, but the Panthers wouldn’t let them. Now we see if the Vikings can claw their way back into playoff contention.
18. Indianapolis Colts
If I had to pick the perfect comp for the Colts, I’d say they are the Teen Titans. They’ll eventually grow into being respected members of the extended Justice League. Right now, though, they are learning, and looking competitive while doing it.
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Baker Mayfield could shake his junk and yell expletives at me and I’d deserve it. I gave the Bucs no chance at being competent and look at them- 3-1 and sitting atop the Big East, I mean the NFC South.
16. Los Angeles Rams
If you watched The Penguins of Madagascar, you’ll know the lead penguin, Skipper’s catch phrase is “Just smile and wave, boys.” Now take that, but make it “Just keep throwing to Puka Nacua, boys.”
15. Washington Commanders
The Commanders fell short of completing an amazing comeback against the Eagles, but the fact that Sam Howell continues to show that he can lead them from behind when need be, as well as shake off dreadful performances- those are both great things to have in a quarterback. He rolls like a desperado and balls like no tomorrow until it’s over and it’s all she wrote (S-tier T.I. song, by the way).
14. Houston Texans
The Texans have opened up consecutive cans of whoop-ass over the last two weeks, winning their last two games by a combined score of 67-23. They have the right head coach and the right quarterback to lead them for the next decade.
13. Cincinnati Bengals
I mean, what the hell, man? This is the second time in four weeks the Bengals were held out of the end zone. If Joe Burrow is this bad while hurt, take him out of the lineup.
12. Green Bay Packers
The Packers are currently what the Bears were with Jay Cutler. Competitive, but they’ll have games like Thursday where they are just outclassed. Jordan Love will be fine, and he’s played well this season. However, he’ll have moments where he looks like a first-year starter.
11. Los Angeles Chargers
The Chargers were leading 24-7 against a bad team with a rookie quarterback under center, and I never felt confident they would win. And would you look at that, they let the Raiders back in it and the game came down to the waning minutes the way it always does with the Chargers.
10. Seattle Seahawks
What the Seahawks did to Daniel Jones is as close as an NFL battle will get to being cruel and unusual punishment. 11 sacks for the Seahawks defense, as well as a pick-six from rookie Devon Witherspoon. Seattle is a dangerous squad.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jaguars were light-years ahead of the Falcons in London. I’m finally out of Toy Story puns.
8. Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore put up more points than any team has against the Browns thus far in the young season. At 3-1, they sit alone atop the AFC North with a trip to Pittsburgh looming.
7. Philadelphia Eagles
Will the real Philadelphia Eagles please stand up? They put up points against the Commanders, but again, they haven’t dominated anyone yet the way they did in 2022 (that’s also two Eminem references this week).
6. Detroit Lions
The Lions are a lovely convergence of throwback and modern football. Ben Johnson is one of the best offensive minds in the game, but this team’s identity comes back to blue-collar toughness.
5. Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys quickly got their mojo back after being shocked by the Cardinals by handing Bill Belichick the largest loss of his career. I’d say that’s not too shabby for a get-right game.
4. Miami Dolphins
Perhaps this was a needed slap in the face for the Dolphins’ defense. Vic Fangio was supposed to be a Godsend for Miami’s defense, and the Bills casually dropped 48 points. This is still a very good Dolphins team, but this is as human as they’ve looked so far.
3. Kansas City Chiefs
I’m not talking about the pop star, you can’t make me. The Jets’ defense had Patrick Mahomes making Zach Wilson-type throws. They sneak away with a win, but not the best showing from the reigning Super Bowl champions.
2. San Francisco 49ers
Christian McCaffrey scored as many touchdowns against the Cardinals as the Steelers’ offense has scored all season. A dominant performance from the best running back in football, but the 49ers slide down to No. 2 this week after an even more dominating performance from the new No. 1 team in football.
1. Buffalo Bills
That little lady Week 1 is a liar. How about three touchdowns for Stefon Diggs? How about four touchdown passes and a perfect passer rating for Josh Allen? These Buffalo Bills went out to make a statement against their division-rival Dolphins, and the message was heard around the league. Get the tables, Bills mafia.
